Word up, homeboyssss. I’m Sssir Philip Green, chairman of the Arcadia Group, a retail conglomerate that includes such high street favouritessss as Topshop, Topman, BHSss-ssss, Burtonsss and Dorothy Perkinssss-sss-sss-s. When we’re not busy defending ourselves against accusationsss of tax avoidance or insulting the Irish, my wife Tina and I love nothing more than to help ssssave the planet. You see, we’re green by name AND by nature.
In fact, we’re so green that we love everything that happens to be green. Among the green things we love are The Incredible Hulk, Kermit the Frog, Kermit the Frond (a frond is a type of large, divided leaf – green in colour), creepy green massssks, Professor Green, money, and algae. The only green thing we don’t like is St. Patrick’s Day, because that’s sssomething to do with the stupid Irish.
Not only that, but we love the concept of “going green”. Ie; recycling an shit. In these frugal times, when obscenely wealthy people like me make life tougher for the rest of you, money needs to sssstretch further than ever. And with a new generation of games consoles tempting everyone to step up and splasssh out, you’re faced with a decision of what to do with your old machinessss-sss-ss. Ssssss!
Well, ponder no longer – for I, Ssssir Philip Green, have just the ssss-sssolution: recycle! Beholden yeself to thisss-ss: here are ten (five) rockin’ ideassss for what to do with your old conssssolessss-ssssssssss!! Ss.
CORACLE
If you really go at your old Xbox 360 with a hammer and ssscrewdriver, it’s pretty easy to break it in two. Why not use the two halvesss as a couple of ssmall coracles? You might have to plug holes in it with bits of Blu-Tack, or whatever, but it’ll probably be alright. And let’s just assume it is, pretty soon you and a friend will be paddling your unstable little boat like you’re some ancient Welsh fishing feller (ssso long as you’re not pretending to Irish – we’re still good).
BIRD HOME
A PlayStation 3 with a hole ssssmashed in it makes the ideal living conditionsss for a family of birds, or sssmall sweatshop workerssss. Just stuff some straw or sssshreded newssspaper in the hole, and they won’t even be that uncomfortable, I’d expect. Who knows, really?
JOKER'S CUSHION
Take your old Xbox 360 or PlayStation 4 and cover it in some old fabric, ssso that it looksss like a cusshion. Then asssk your nan or granddad to sit on it on All Fool’s Day. Due to their atrophied jointssss they’ll probably go down at quite sssome speed, meaning they’ll be in for a real shock when they bark their coccyx! Who knows? Maybe they'll even emit an involuntary "Bronx cheer"? This is bound to raise at least one or two tittersss at your family’s All Fool’s Day brunch. Do they have those...?
HANDBAG
I don't pretend to understand fashion - I just sssell the sssstuff! But if my wife is anything to go by, girlsss absolute love bagssss-sss. Why not turn one of your old consoles into a handbag or something? I dunno how you'd do that - fit a ssstrap to it, and... well... I dunno. Something like that. You work it out. I've not given it a lot of thought.
PET COFFIN
Have you inadvertently killed one of your sssmaller petssss-sssssss-ss? Flatten itsss body with a mallet and ssss-ss-slide it into your PS3 or 360 disc tray. Then have an awesome funeral for it! Just don't forget who gave you the idea - that would be me, Sssss-ssssir Philip Green!
Was that alright? I confess-ss that I didn't do a lot of preparation. Oh well.
Sssssss!
If you really go at your old Xbox 360 with a hammer and ssscrewdriver, it’s pretty easy to break it in two. Why not use the two halvesss as a couple of ssmall coracles? You might have to plug holes in it with bits of Blu-Tack, or whatever, but it’ll probably be alright. And let’s just assume it is, pretty soon you and a friend will be paddling your unstable little boat like you’re some ancient Welsh fishing feller (ssso long as you’re not pretending to Irish – we’re still good).
BIRD HOME
A PlayStation 3 with a hole ssssmashed in it makes the ideal living conditionsss for a family of birds, or sssmall sweatshop workerssss. Just stuff some straw or sssshreded newssspaper in the hole, and they won’t even be that uncomfortable, I’d expect. Who knows, really?
JOKER'S CUSHION
Take your old Xbox 360 or PlayStation 4 and cover it in some old fabric, ssso that it looksss like a cusshion. Then asssk your nan or granddad to sit on it on All Fool’s Day. Due to their atrophied jointssss they’ll probably go down at quite sssome speed, meaning they’ll be in for a real shock when they bark their coccyx! Who knows? Maybe they'll even emit an involuntary "Bronx cheer"? This is bound to raise at least one or two tittersss at your family’s All Fool’s Day brunch. Do they have those...?
HANDBAG
I don't pretend to understand fashion - I just sssell the sssstuff! But if my wife is anything to go by, girlsss absolute love bagssss-sss. Why not turn one of your old consoles into a handbag or something? I dunno how you'd do that - fit a ssstrap to it, and... well... I dunno. Something like that. You work it out. I've not given it a lot of thought.
PET COFFIN
Have you inadvertently killed one of your sssmaller petssss-sssssss-ss? Flatten itsss body with a mallet and ssss-ss-slide it into your PS3 or 360 disc tray. Then have an awesome funeral for it! Just don't forget who gave you the idea - that would be me, Sssss-ssssir Philip Green!
Was that alright? I confess-ss that I didn't do a lot of preparation. Oh well.
Sssssss!
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