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PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT THESE 22 TERRIFYING VENTRILOQUIST DUMMIES

30/9/2015

7 Comments

 
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"Gottle of beer" is the traditional shout of the ventriloquist dummy. Unfortunately, not all puppets wish merely to furnish you with alcohol.

There are others who appear more likely to want to slice your throat, or stifle you in your sleep with a cloth, or fill your mouth with small stones and poison.

We foolishly compiled a list of 22 such horrors - which we ask you most sincerely not to look at.

22. WANING GIBBUS
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Please. We beg you. Stop looking at this page. If something happened to you as a result of this list we would never forgive ourselves.
21. SIMPLEX
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If you won't do it for us, then do it for yourself. We can't say it clearly enough - you should not be looking at this list. It's only going to get worse.
20. THE VINDICI FAMILY
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There must be something better you could be doing. You could go for a nice walk, or paint a picture. Looking at this list isn't going to improve your life one iota.
19. LOVELY O'CHATTERING 
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Oh god. You're still going aren't you? Please. Please just stop.
18. ADMIRAL WHIST
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Look at that thing. That's surely not the sort of thing you want to be looking at is it? Just close your browser. Do it now. Please. Let's just go do something else.
17. WAXING GIBBUS
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Why are you ignoring us? Everyone ignores us. Everyone has always ignored us - it's the story of our life. And now you're doing it too. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
16. THE DUKE
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Yeah, okay. Fine then. You know best. A list of horrible ventriloquist dummies is so obviously the sort of thing you want to look at. What a joke.
15. BANG K. MOON
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Whatever. If you're not going to stop looking at the list then we will. Bye then. Enjoy looking at the list of horrible ventriloquist dummies, yeah? Bye.
14. ADENOID
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...
13. BURLINGTON BORIS
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...
12. DERYK TAYLOR
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...You're still here? Seriously? Yeah, we only came back because... yeah, we forgot something. We left something behind. Look - here it is. We forgot this bit of fluff. So we'll just take this thing we forgot, and go then, shall we? Yeah - we will. Bye then. Bye! Enjoy the dummies. Bye. See ya.
11. THE PAYNES
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We're going in a minute. We really are. Look, you can come with us if you want. You don't have to stay here looking at these foul things. We can go hang out. We'll even treat you to a Baskin-Robbins - how does that sound?
10. THROPPLE
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No - the deal is we'll buy you a Baskin-Robbins now. We're not waiting around for you to finish polluting yourself with this disgusting list. If you want a Baskin-Robbins you'll have to come with us right away. This is a one time only deal. Okay?
9. RBX
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Do they have lactose-free ice cream? Dunno. Probably not, but... since when were you lactose intolerant anyway? Are you just dragging your heels so you can continue looking at the list? For real? What is wrong with you? We mean - what is wrong with you other than your lactose intolerance...?!
8. CARNIVAL STEVE
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Look. Okay. You've obviously made your mind up, so we're just going to sit over here and wait for you to finish looking at the list. Unless you want to stop now and - okay. Okay! You don't want to. We get it. No need to bite our head off. God.
7. FORSYTHE
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How much longer? We really want to go do stuff. Hurry uuuuuuup. This is boring.
6. GEORGE OSBORNE
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So, are you going to get the new iPhone 6s? It's probably not worth it. The 7 will be out this time next year, and all the new one has is that force touch thing, which doesn't seem - did you just tell us to be quiet so you can concentrate on the list? Fine. Fine then. Bye. We're going. BYE. Carry on enjoying your beloved ventriloquist puppets won't you. Hope they don't give you nightmares. Yeah.
5. WHOOPING T-HOLE
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...
4. RUDE STANLEY
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...
3. CREAMY EGBERT
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Just wanted to say, when we said that we hoped the dummies wouldn't give you nightmares, we actually meant that we hoped the dummies would give you nightmares. We were being well sarcastic and you fell for it. Ha ha. Now who looks stupid?
2. P.F. RRRG Jnr
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Why are you ignoring us? We know you can hear us. That's literally so rude.
1. D'ARBIAN
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Finally! Now are you going to come to Baskin-Robbins with us or not? Yeah, whatever! We'll go on our own then. Yeah, bye. We'll have more fun on our own anyway. We don't need you there. Why don't you go look at another list or something, seeing as you love them so much?! Bye. Bye then. Enjoy your life. Bye. We really mean it - bye.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
21 TERRIFYING CLOWNS THAT MUST NEVER BE SEEN
15 STUFFED MONKEYS YOU'LL WISH YOU HADN'T SEEN


7 Comments
Old Red link
30/9/2015 11:37:54 am

Just going to leave this here...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_OFm8AVQi4

Bye x

Reply
Stay
30/9/2015 08:27:18 pm

No 17, WAXING GIBBUS, looks like the dummy all other dummies have nightmares about.

Reply
Spankton Plush
1/10/2015 09:30:11 am

Viewers who liked DUMMIES also liked https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YSKdsT1AQeQ

Reply
Lily Quint
2/10/2015 02:40:56 am

Number 5 isn't a dummy. That's the actor, David Thewlis

Reply
Col. Asdasd
2/10/2015 09:03:40 am

Re: the image header. Not sure what's so scary about that dummy? Except maybe how big it is?

Andy Warhol on the other hand was clearly having a bit of a shocker the day was taken.

Reply
Terrence Oblong
3/10/2015 08:51:19 pm

Society's creepiest 'entertainers':
1. Ventriloquists and their rotten fucking dummies
2. Clowns
3. Magicians
4. Hypnotists

All the products of the worst, fevered night terrors.

Reply
Neil Wilkinson
17/10/2015 08:43:08 am

21: Davina McCall.

Reply



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