"Gottle of beer" is the traditional shout of the ventriloquist dummy. Unfortunately, not all puppets wish merely to furnish you with alcohol.
There are others who appear more likely to want to slice your throat, or stifle you in your sleep with a cloth, or fill your mouth with small stones and poison.
We foolishly compiled a list of 22 such horrors - which we ask you most sincerely not to look at.
There are others who appear more likely to want to slice your throat, or stifle you in your sleep with a cloth, or fill your mouth with small stones and poison.
We foolishly compiled a list of 22 such horrors - which we ask you most sincerely not to look at.
22. WANING GIBBUS
Please. We beg you. Stop looking at this page. If something happened to you as a result of this list we would never forgive ourselves.
21. SIMPLEX
If you won't do it for us, then do it for yourself. We can't say it clearly enough - you should not be looking at this list. It's only going to get worse.
20. THE VINDICI FAMILY
There must be something better you could be doing. You could go for a nice walk, or paint a picture. Looking at this list isn't going to improve your life one iota.
19. LOVELY O'CHATTERING
Oh god. You're still going aren't you? Please. Please just stop.
18. ADMIRAL WHIST
Look at that thing. That's surely not the sort of thing you want to be looking at is it? Just close your browser. Do it now. Please. Let's just go do something else.
17. WAXING GIBBUS
Why are you ignoring us? Everyone ignores us. Everyone has always ignored us - it's the story of our life. And now you're doing it too. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
16. THE DUKE
Yeah, okay. Fine then. You know best. A list of horrible ventriloquist dummies is so obviously the sort of thing you want to look at. What a joke.
15. BANG K. MOON
Whatever. If you're not going to stop looking at the list then we will. Bye then. Enjoy looking at the list of horrible ventriloquist dummies, yeah? Bye.
14. ADENOID
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13. BURLINGTON BORIS
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12. DERYK TAYLOR
...You're still here? Seriously? Yeah, we only came back because... yeah, we forgot something. We left something behind. Look - here it is. We forgot this bit of fluff. So we'll just take this thing we forgot, and go then, shall we? Yeah - we will. Bye then. Bye! Enjoy the dummies. Bye. See ya.
11. THE PAYNES
We're going in a minute. We really are. Look, you can come with us if you want. You don't have to stay here looking at these foul things. We can go hang out. We'll even treat you to a Baskin-Robbins - how does that sound?
10. THROPPLE
No - the deal is we'll buy you a Baskin-Robbins now. We're not waiting around for you to finish polluting yourself with this disgusting list. If you want a Baskin-Robbins you'll have to come with us right away. This is a one time only deal. Okay?
9. RBX
Do they have lactose-free ice cream? Dunno. Probably not, but... since when were you lactose intolerant anyway? Are you just dragging your heels so you can continue looking at the list? For real? What is wrong with you? We mean - what is wrong with you other than your lactose intolerance...?!
8. CARNIVAL STEVE
Look. Okay. You've obviously made your mind up, so we're just going to sit over here and wait for you to finish looking at the list. Unless you want to stop now and - okay. Okay! You don't want to. We get it. No need to bite our head off. God.
7. FORSYTHE
How much longer? We really want to go do stuff. Hurry uuuuuuup. This is boring.
6. GEORGE OSBORNE
So, are you going to get the new iPhone 6s? It's probably not worth it. The 7 will be out this time next year, and all the new one has is that force touch thing, which doesn't seem - did you just tell us to be quiet so you can concentrate on the list? Fine. Fine then. Bye. We're going. BYE. Carry on enjoying your beloved ventriloquist puppets won't you. Hope they don't give you nightmares. Yeah.
5. WHOOPING T-HOLE
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4. RUDE STANLEY
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3. CREAMY EGBERT
Just wanted to say, when we said that we hoped the dummies wouldn't give you nightmares, we actually meant that we hoped the dummies would give you nightmares. We were being well sarcastic and you fell for it. Ha ha. Now who looks stupid?
2. P.F. RRRG Jnr
Why are you ignoring us? We know you can hear us. That's literally so rude.
1. D'ARBIAN
Finally! Now are you going to come to Baskin-Robbins with us or not? Yeah, whatever! We'll go on our own then. Yeah, bye. We'll have more fun on our own anyway. We don't need you there. Why don't you go look at another list or something, seeing as you love them so much?! Bye. Bye then. Enjoy your life. Bye. We really mean it - bye.
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