Please, Colonel – can you tell me about almost 5 obscure pig-themed games?

GUEST ARTICLE by SUPER BAD ADVICE

I dunno about you, but when I think of retrogames I always think of pigs. Not because I particularly relate pigs with the distant origins of gaming, but because I have a terrible cognitive association disorder! I’m really quite ill!
 
Now that feeble setup is out of the way, let’s get on to the meat (specifically: pork) of this thinly-disguised listicle. That’s right: pointing and laughing at a load of rubbish old things, like a thoughtless maniac let loose in a geriatric care home.

PSYCHO PIGS UXB

A port of the arcade game Butasan, which was also known as Mr. Pig and Pig and Bombers (the latter of which could easily be the name of a trendy pub that would sell you artisan pork scratchings at £10 a bag, probably served in a trilby), this swinefest saw you mainly plodding about a single, largely featureless screen throwing bombs with timers at other pigs. Most likely until you died of boredom.
 
I mean, I’m not saying even the programmers thought it was dull, but they managed to get the name wrong and put “Psycho Pig” rather than the plural on the title screen. So clearly, they weren’t exactly enthused during development.

​The only other thing stopping this game falling out of the hole in history’s trouser pocket and into the puddle of utter obscurity for many people is the questionable advertising campaign US Gold used for the home version, which featured a ‘page 3 stunna’ in just some pants holding a copy of the game.
 
It’s often said no publicity is bad publicity, but all this did is make people aware of “that terrible game with the advert where the lady has her bangers out”, whereas otherwise kids might have bought it on the basis of their own ignorance of its rubbishness. Major backfire in your face, sexist 1980s marketing types!
 
(Also: while researching this article I found out Butasan is the name of a type of butter substitute you can get in the Czech Republic. It doesn’t seem to be made of actual pig, though I assume might be palatable if smeared on some sausages.)

PIG NEWTON

​A pun on ‘fig newton’, which is a biscuit filled with fruit pulp that tastes of despair, Pig Newton was an early arcade effort by Sega based on a cartoon strip that’s somehow even more lost to the mists of time than this game.
 
You played a pig, presumably called Newton, who is of course up a tree hunting for a pig’s natural diet – bright blue freshly laid bird’s eggs that look disturbingly like buttocks. He can also drop apples on passing wolves who are trying to chop the tree down, and has to avoid squirrels.

​Based on this mess, I can only assume the programmers of this game are entirely unaware of what a food chain is, or how they work. I’ve also got no idea why Newton appears to be cuddling a massive pile of mash with French fries embedded in it on the title screen either, but while doing this he gives you an unexpected flirty wink.
 
Somewhat fittingly given that coquettishness, it turns out disgraced comedian Louis C.K.’s production company was also called ‘Pig Newton’ – though of course he did considerably more than wink flirtatiously, the awful pervert. 

PIG OUT

​Subtitled ‘Dine like a swine’, this 3-player arcade effort sees your pig eating their way through various levels, consuming eggs (again with the eggs?), corn on the cobs, tacos and (bizarrely) Superman logos.
 
Once more, wolves are your main protagonists despite the fact they’d probably find it a lot easier to go for a sheep. Or, I dunno, just shove you aside and eat the tacos themselves. I thought wolves were supposed to be quite smart, but on the basis of their video game appearances and fictional attempts at breath-based demolition you’d have to seriously question this.

​The only other thing of note here is that the butcher who appears on the game’s character select screen appears to be Heihachi from the Tekken series of brawlers. He seems very happy with himself anyway, which I suspect would be at odds with most people who had to work in a shop selling ‘pickled pig’s feet’. Maybe being repeatedly punched in the face has removed his sense of smell?

PIGS IN SPACE
​Based on the well-known Star Trek spoof from The Muppet Show, this title demonstrates the surprising power and flexibility of the Atari 2600, and showcases why the new version of that console is such an exciting prospect.
 
Ha! Only kidding. Pigs in Space is an utter tragedy, and all copies of it should be kicked into an acrid swamp.
 

​Comprising three shonky rip-offs of other games bolted together like a rancid Frankenstein, the first level sees you slogging through a dreadful Space Invaders clone playing a character who looks like a deformed Homer Simpson rather than a pig. 

​Then, it’s on to a Frogger clone seemingly featuring a nude Ms. Piggy avoiding meatballs and…tapeworms? It’s anyone’s guess, given the 2600s putrid graphical prowess – though the nudity is surprising for what you’d assume would be a game aimed at a family audience. Then again, maybe this was a ploy to get 1980s dads to buy the game? I bet a few had a secret thing for Ms Piggy.

​Finally, you get to pilot your ship, which for all the world looks like a vase possessed by a demon, through a jagged brown pipe. While doing this, Gonzo clones throw sticks at you.
 
As if traversing an apparent giant lower intestine in a haunted pot wasn’t harrowing enough, your craft’s weapon only travels a tiny distance in front of it before falling off to the side like a wet hacky sack. This makes actually clearing the stage an excruciating chore, as you line up a succession of wobbly chip shots.
 
The most exciting thing about this game is that according to the title screen the developer was called HA! – although having played it, it might just be a Atari executive’s sarcastic expression of disbelief that you have paid for this shambling pile of badness. Still, pigs!