"Once again, the air was ripe with drama, as hundreds of pixel princes and princesses descended upon the North of England, for three days of buying things to put on a shelf, and interacting with one another, thus successfully checking off another important milestone in their social development!
"Twitter has been buzzin' like a trapped moth all weekend, and only Gossi can give you a thorough recapitulation of all the events! Who's in? Who's out? Who left a malodorous loaf in the convention centre toilets?
"Get comfy, and let Gossi pour you a big, wet, glass of tea-heeeeee!!!
"No... master, please.... do not lock Gossi in the airing cupboard again! Master, no! Woof! Woof!"
Uh-oh! Word is a CERTAIN SOMEONE had a little too much to drink at the Pl'expo AFTER PARTY and tried to cram an unsalted cashew into the coin cleft of an original Asteroids machine! Worst of all - it wasn't even their nut to cram-with!!!! A little birdie tells me they pilfered it from Steve O'Rage's personal cash' stash, and Steve-oh was none-too-pleased!!!
Disgruntled words were exchanged on the socials afterwards, as long-standing resentments BOILED like an angry pan, and it became the first recorded incident this year of the infamous Blackpool Stick of Block.
It all kicked off on the show floor when Retro Bongo glanced SIDEWAYS at 8-Bit Billy, partway through a Mario Kart 64 match-up. Simmering like a hot mug of resentment, Billy threw down his pad, and stomped off into a corner, where the glares flared like rancid rockets!!!
TOO BAD he picked the most diseased corner of the Pl'expo main hall to pull off the skulk, and was soon varnished in a greasy film of mould spores, later erupting into a cloud of wispy fungal threads, to the accompaniment of the Chrono Cross main theme!!!!
Major DRAMA at the Bald Men of Retro Gaming Panel, when that peaky blinder Baseball Cap Retro Character's "trucker lid" wafted off his bonce midst a strong gust, betraying a vaporous rug of scalp-stubble.
Bassy gasps reverberated round the room, as it was revealed he wasn't a natural bald - but in fact SHAVES his cranium!!! Don't he know there ain't no place in Retro Gaming for crani-shavers?! C'mon, gamers - stop trying to razor your way onto the baldy bandwagon for clicks n' subs!
It's a SHEAR liberty!!! LOL!!!
Following months of anonymous threats, obsessive online parodist Make Retro Gaming Great Again was true to his word, and ATTENDED the Stalkers of Retro Gaming Panel!
Word has it that MRGGA lingered in the back row, scowling like a pasty lighthouse wearing blinkers, and wrestling with his unscheduled emotions, before returning to his guesthouse for another biting Twitter thread sesh that juiced a few bitter truths indirectly towards the narcissistic craws of those loaaaathsome losers!!!
The monkey might've been beating out a familiar tune on his little tin drum, but he certainly showed 'em this time - even if most have him muted by now!!!?!!!!
Just when it looked as if Retro Gaming was finally coming together as a community in the wake of Blackpool's Bonanza of Bits (8, 16, 32), Bubble The Retro Gaming Offence-Bot spoiled it all when it took offence at an offhand online observation made by the ghost of Shergar the race horse!!!!!
Just check out this ungraceful exchange:
@shergarhorseghost: Horse racing is an equestrian performance sport, typically involving two or more horses ridden by jockeys over a set distance for competition.
@Retrogamingoffencebot: Can you please explain what you mean by this attack on the entire retro gaming community?
@shergarhorseghost: I'm the ghost of a horse. I don't have, or want, anything to do with your retro gaming community.
@retrogamingoffencebot: I ask again, with all respect, what do you mean specifically by what you said, in relation to the attendees of Play Expo?
@shergarhorseghost: I don't know what you're talking about. What I said about what?
@retrogamingoffencebot: I've reported this tweet.
@baseballcapretro: I challenge the ghost of Shergar to a bareknuckle fight, with all proceeds going to my favourite charity, Arms For Armenia.
@shergarhorseghost: I don't know what's going on. Please, I'm just a horse ghost, from The Nnneeeiightherworld.
@8BitBilly: Can't believe what a coward Shergar is. Attacks the retro gaming community, won't back up his words, and then is then too scared to have an actual fight about it. I always knew ghosts and horses could be dicks, but this is something else.
Totes awks! Let's hope these few can make it up soon!
90s gaming TV personality and gaming icon Honky Tonk Harold certainly made an impression with his entrance onto the the Who Are They Again? of Gaming panel, kicking chairs manically from beneath the twenty-or-so audience members, leaving them literally rolling in the aisles!
He spent the next 45 minutes or so wheezing and bellowing above his fellow panelists, snapping his jaw open and closed like an angry vent, and slapping the moist palm of his hand against an old mirror. Poor Gamey Gameson was so intimidated by the experience that he choked to death on an N-Gage!!!!!?!!!!
Gaming legend Queef Menthole - creator of Speccy smash Galaxians-but-with-cows - was left reeling when a turf war broke out between different factions of retro gaming influencers during the launch of his new game, Galaxians-but-made-while-I-was-on-acid.
Aprpos nothing, Gamey Gameson stood up mid-presentation and began BEGGING for subscribers. Trembling with gravitas, Gamey's retro rival, Chuff Sandwich, leapt to their feet and accused Gamey of stealing the last packet of sweet chilli Kettle Chips from the Pl'expo green room snack table.
Hideous scenes ensued as supporters on both sides penetrated the affray, and before long a bewildered Queef could only look on confounded, as handfuls of unlicensed vinyl stickers began flying like floppy missiles!!!
Woof! Bark! I'm just a fictional dog, remember?! Master, please - do not hammer on the airing cupboard door with your shoe like that! Master, no! Barkus bark!