Welcome back to Digitiser's Christmas Pant-Oh. As we previously established, I am K-Max, the Spirit of Christmas, the most festive guy that you, and all other people, ever did see.
If you recall, the first instalment of this exciting adventure ended with David Belt discovering that his mother was in fact an android... AKA: The ultimate twist!!!!!
Incidentally, I have berries for eyes, a bottle of Baileys for a sternum, and a couple of Quality Street for boobs.
BYE NOW!
PART TWO
SCENE 4 - DAVID BELT'S HOUSE
David Belt is having a real good time: he has pulled everything out of the cupboards, and he's laying face down on the floor, giggling to himself.
BELT: Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! Now that my android mother is dead I'm having the ultimate experience for boys.
Suddenly, a giant beanstalk erupts through the floor and up through the ceiling of the house.
BELT: Cool! A mighty frond!
GIANT'S VOICE: Fi-Fo-Fo-Gnnnnnn... I smell blood and gnnnnnnn-gnnnn-gnn!
BELT: That sounded like a giant. I'm gonna go up there and punish him in a big way for shouting and causing a ruckus. I'm feeling so brave now. So brave I could cry.
David Belt grabs a hammer, and starts smashing it against the wall, while singing a jaunty, festive tune.
BELT (sings): Big Dong merrily on high, I'm coming to att-ack you! Big Dong merrily on high, My hammer it will crack you!
David Belt begins ascending the beanstalk.
SCENE 5 - HONEYHUGSLAND: THE GIANT'S KINGDOM
David Belt reaches the top of the beanstalk, emerging from the clouds. He starts swinging the hammer around, lashing out at the misty pother.
BELT: Mmmf! Mmmf! This is no fun. These clouds won't break or bleed. I need to smash my hammer on something big and alive! I've lost my mind!
Belt notices a castle in the distance.
BELT: That castle! I bet there's something alive in there that can satisfy my bloodlust - probably a giant, or something. I'm gonna go find out. This is gonna be well wicked, man!
Belt heads off towards the castle.
SCENE 6 - THE GIANT'S CASTLE
Belt enters the luxurious castle.
BELT: Giant! Come out, Giant! I am David Belt and I'm going to smash my hammer into your face and shoulders! I'm crazed out of my tiny mind!
A door creaks open, and Harry Style out of One Direction emerges, laying on his stomach, and pushing himself along with his feet while stroking his luscious hair.
BELT: Harry Style... but... but... I don't understand... Or do I? No. No I do not.
HARRY STYLE: That's right - I'm Rockin' Harry Style, the "singer". I am indeed a giant!
BELT: But you're so diminutive.
HARRY STYLE: Yes, but you see - I'm another sort of giant. A giant of the entertainment industry. Do you understand me, David Belt? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!
BELT: Not really.
HARRY STYLE: This castle is where we giants of the entertainment industry go when we're not on TV or websites. This is our retreat, where we can look down and vomit on you all. The rumours are true: we hate normal people, David Belt. We hate them so much, because... WE WERE ONCE NORMAL PEOPLE TOO!!!! We are YOU, David Belt. WE ARE YOU!!!
BELT: I don't know what's going on.
HARRY STYLE: Here's what I'm saying: we're all giants here, David Belt - why, just look who else is in residence...
Another door opens, and a mongrel dog emerges, sort of dancing-ish on his hind legs a bit.
BELT: Pudsey the Dog!!!
PUDSEY: That's right - in some respects, this adventure you're on is a sequel to my movie, Pudsey The Dog: The Movie.
Pudsey shivers and dies.
BELT: Ha ha!
Using a broom, Harry Style pushes Pudsey's corpse under a rug, but it gets all bunched up and stuff.
HARRY STYLE: Oh well. Hey, listen - why don't you and me sing a song together, David Belt? We could form our own band - Two Direction.
BELT: With my terrible singing, it'd be more like Turd Direction!
HARRY STYLE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
BELT: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
HARRY STYLE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. "Turd Erection". Let's sing our song.
BELT/HARRY STYLE:
Christmas chickens and Christmas hens,
Christmas pigs in Christmas pens,
Chop them up and cook them well,
If you don't you'll go to Hell.
Eating meat is the Christmas way,
Consuming flesh will make your day,
Eating veg is henceforth banned,
Break the rule and yule be damned.
These are the rules that you must heed,
Eat no things that do not bleed,
Meaty treats and gutty bits,
Slide some liver between your lips.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...!
THE END
If you recall, the first instalment of this exciting adventure ended with David Belt discovering that his mother was in fact an android... AKA: The ultimate twist!!!!!
Incidentally, I have berries for eyes, a bottle of Baileys for a sternum, and a couple of Quality Street for boobs.
BYE NOW!
PART TWO
SCENE 4 - DAVID BELT'S HOUSE
David Belt is having a real good time: he has pulled everything out of the cupboards, and he's laying face down on the floor, giggling to himself.
BELT: Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! Now that my android mother is dead I'm having the ultimate experience for boys.
Suddenly, a giant beanstalk erupts through the floor and up through the ceiling of the house.
BELT: Cool! A mighty frond!
GIANT'S VOICE: Fi-Fo-Fo-Gnnnnnn... I smell blood and gnnnnnnn-gnnnn-gnn!
BELT: That sounded like a giant. I'm gonna go up there and punish him in a big way for shouting and causing a ruckus. I'm feeling so brave now. So brave I could cry.
David Belt grabs a hammer, and starts smashing it against the wall, while singing a jaunty, festive tune.
BELT (sings): Big Dong merrily on high, I'm coming to att-ack you! Big Dong merrily on high, My hammer it will crack you!
David Belt begins ascending the beanstalk.
SCENE 5 - HONEYHUGSLAND: THE GIANT'S KINGDOM
David Belt reaches the top of the beanstalk, emerging from the clouds. He starts swinging the hammer around, lashing out at the misty pother.
BELT: Mmmf! Mmmf! This is no fun. These clouds won't break or bleed. I need to smash my hammer on something big and alive! I've lost my mind!
Belt notices a castle in the distance.
BELT: That castle! I bet there's something alive in there that can satisfy my bloodlust - probably a giant, or something. I'm gonna go find out. This is gonna be well wicked, man!
Belt heads off towards the castle.
SCENE 6 - THE GIANT'S CASTLE
Belt enters the luxurious castle.
BELT: Giant! Come out, Giant! I am David Belt and I'm going to smash my hammer into your face and shoulders! I'm crazed out of my tiny mind!
A door creaks open, and Harry Style out of One Direction emerges, laying on his stomach, and pushing himself along with his feet while stroking his luscious hair.
BELT: Harry Style... but... but... I don't understand... Or do I? No. No I do not.
HARRY STYLE: That's right - I'm Rockin' Harry Style, the "singer". I am indeed a giant!
BELT: But you're so diminutive.
HARRY STYLE: Yes, but you see - I'm another sort of giant. A giant of the entertainment industry. Do you understand me, David Belt? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!
BELT: Not really.
HARRY STYLE: This castle is where we giants of the entertainment industry go when we're not on TV or websites. This is our retreat, where we can look down and vomit on you all. The rumours are true: we hate normal people, David Belt. We hate them so much, because... WE WERE ONCE NORMAL PEOPLE TOO!!!! We are YOU, David Belt. WE ARE YOU!!!
BELT: I don't know what's going on.
HARRY STYLE: Here's what I'm saying: we're all giants here, David Belt - why, just look who else is in residence...
Another door opens, and a mongrel dog emerges, sort of dancing-ish on his hind legs a bit.
BELT: Pudsey the Dog!!!
PUDSEY: That's right - in some respects, this adventure you're on is a sequel to my movie, Pudsey The Dog: The Movie.
Pudsey shivers and dies.
BELT: Ha ha!
Using a broom, Harry Style pushes Pudsey's corpse under a rug, but it gets all bunched up and stuff.
HARRY STYLE: Oh well. Hey, listen - why don't you and me sing a song together, David Belt? We could form our own band - Two Direction.
BELT: With my terrible singing, it'd be more like Turd Direction!
HARRY STYLE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
BELT: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
HARRY STYLE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. "Turd Erection". Let's sing our song.
BELT/HARRY STYLE:
Christmas chickens and Christmas hens,
Christmas pigs in Christmas pens,
Chop them up and cook them well,
If you don't you'll go to Hell.
Eating meat is the Christmas way,
Consuming flesh will make your day,
Eating veg is henceforth banned,
Break the rule and yule be damned.
These are the rules that you must heed,
Eat no things that do not bleed,
Meaty treats and gutty bits,
Slide some liver between your lips.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...!
THE END
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