Something being a journalist teaches you is how to engineer an opinion.
On Digitiser, back in the day, we were pumping out words day in day out, and learned to be affronted about anything at the drop of a hat in order to fill the pages. I admit, I always felt a bit self-conscious being outraged about things that literally made no difference to my life.
It's part of the reason Fat Sow was conceived; as a way of signalling that the furious opinions were made up.
I'm not defending them - god forbid - but do you really think the likes of Katie Hopkins and Piers Morgan really care about half the things they bang on about in their newspaper columns or on Twitter? No - they simply know what their audience wants to hear.
To a certain degree, a journalist plays to the crowd, because that elicits the biggest roar.
"Are you not entertained!?"
The furore which greets every Hopkins rant is precisely what she wants. If you react, then you're complicit in being her accomplice.
On Digitiser, back in the day, we were pumping out words day in day out, and learned to be affronted about anything at the drop of a hat in order to fill the pages. I admit, I always felt a bit self-conscious being outraged about things that literally made no difference to my life.
It's part of the reason Fat Sow was conceived; as a way of signalling that the furious opinions were made up.
I'm not defending them - god forbid - but do you really think the likes of Katie Hopkins and Piers Morgan really care about half the things they bang on about in their newspaper columns or on Twitter? No - they simply know what their audience wants to hear.
To a certain degree, a journalist plays to the crowd, because that elicits the biggest roar.
"Are you not entertained!?"
The furore which greets every Hopkins rant is precisely what she wants. If you react, then you're complicit in being her accomplice.
OPINIONS EXPRESSED
I do the "Here's my outrrrrraaageous opinion!!!" thing less and less nowadays. Since bringing Digi back, I've mostly always tried to be congruent if I've expressed an opinion. I've mostly tried to write from a place of honesty and sincerity.
I, like most journalists (believe it or not), have other stuff going on in my life which is significantly more important than the things I'm writing about. I've got a family. I've got bills to pay. I've got deadlines to hit in my day job. Those are things which are truly important.
But, y'know, there are still those days when you just feel obliged to go for that reaction.
In the case of that Sonic the Hedgehog movie trailer.... I watched it, in the knowledge that my audience would probably love it if I slagged it off in some hilarious, cynical, surreal fashion... and I tried. I really tried to find something funny and negative to say, but I just couldn't muster sufficient enthusiasm. I watched it, and I just felt... nothing. I had the emotional equivalent of a shrug.
It's a thing that exists. That's about all I can say.
Having no real emotional connection to Sonic, and thus no real stake in wanting to see his well-established, cast-iron, continuity brought to the big screen, to me it's just more stuff destined to be consigned to the landfill of pop cultural content.
Sure, it's got a weirdly sexualised blue furry creature in it, and, well, little kids might enjoy it, and his toned buttocks will bring in the furries hoping for some vore, I guess....
Sonic The Hedgehog? More like Sexxus The Erectoid!!!
See? That's all I've got. I just don't care enough to come up with something better.
SODSEY
Speaking as the writer of one of the most poorly-received movies of all time, this is why I found it very hard to take the reviews of Pudsey The Dog The Movie personally; I've been on the other side of it. I've been where those journalists are, dumping on stuff that doesn't matter.
Kermode and that embryo-looking bloke from The Guardian reviewing a cheap-and-cheerful Sunday afternoon-style movie aimed at six year-olds is ridiculous however you look at it. Subjecting it to the same reviewing criteria as they would, I dunno, The Piano, makes no sense.
It's like comparing the aesthetic and cultural qualities of a Furby to The Persistence of Memory.
But they had a job to do, and they did that job. They raised their swords aloft, and soaked up the cheers from a crowd that had bayed for blood from the second that Pudsey film was announced.
What's more, all the grief that Pudsey was subjected to on social media was, I knew, going to go away, and the world would move on. It meant nothing. It was just the cycle of outrage that - for all the vitriol expressed - didn't really bother anyone, because why should it?
And if its existence genuinely did bother anyone - oooh! It's the death of the British film industry! - then I fear for their emotional wellbeing.
I get that Sonic is a bit different. He's not a flash-in-the-pan TV talent show dog, but a cultural icon, who's been around for 30 years. He has a huge following - mostly among perverts, admittedly - but some people are invested in him. I understand slightly more if they're annoyed or repulsed by that version in the trailer, because its eyes are wrong; they want everything to be perfect.
But everyone else chipping in with an opinion? Do they really care? Really though? Really really? Do they? About some kids film starring a 90s-style Jim Carrey?
I do the "Here's my outrrrrraaageous opinion!!!" thing less and less nowadays. Since bringing Digi back, I've mostly always tried to be congruent if I've expressed an opinion. I've mostly tried to write from a place of honesty and sincerity.
I, like most journalists (believe it or not), have other stuff going on in my life which is significantly more important than the things I'm writing about. I've got a family. I've got bills to pay. I've got deadlines to hit in my day job. Those are things which are truly important.
But, y'know, there are still those days when you just feel obliged to go for that reaction.
In the case of that Sonic the Hedgehog movie trailer.... I watched it, in the knowledge that my audience would probably love it if I slagged it off in some hilarious, cynical, surreal fashion... and I tried. I really tried to find something funny and negative to say, but I just couldn't muster sufficient enthusiasm. I watched it, and I just felt... nothing. I had the emotional equivalent of a shrug.
It's a thing that exists. That's about all I can say.
Having no real emotional connection to Sonic, and thus no real stake in wanting to see his well-established, cast-iron, continuity brought to the big screen, to me it's just more stuff destined to be consigned to the landfill of pop cultural content.
Sure, it's got a weirdly sexualised blue furry creature in it, and, well, little kids might enjoy it, and his toned buttocks will bring in the furries hoping for some vore, I guess....
Sonic The Hedgehog? More like Sexxus The Erectoid!!!
See? That's all I've got. I just don't care enough to come up with something better.
SODSEY
Speaking as the writer of one of the most poorly-received movies of all time, this is why I found it very hard to take the reviews of Pudsey The Dog The Movie personally; I've been on the other side of it. I've been where those journalists are, dumping on stuff that doesn't matter.
Kermode and that embryo-looking bloke from The Guardian reviewing a cheap-and-cheerful Sunday afternoon-style movie aimed at six year-olds is ridiculous however you look at it. Subjecting it to the same reviewing criteria as they would, I dunno, The Piano, makes no sense.
It's like comparing the aesthetic and cultural qualities of a Furby to The Persistence of Memory.
But they had a job to do, and they did that job. They raised their swords aloft, and soaked up the cheers from a crowd that had bayed for blood from the second that Pudsey film was announced.
What's more, all the grief that Pudsey was subjected to on social media was, I knew, going to go away, and the world would move on. It meant nothing. It was just the cycle of outrage that - for all the vitriol expressed - didn't really bother anyone, because why should it?
And if its existence genuinely did bother anyone - oooh! It's the death of the British film industry! - then I fear for their emotional wellbeing.
I get that Sonic is a bit different. He's not a flash-in-the-pan TV talent show dog, but a cultural icon, who's been around for 30 years. He has a huge following - mostly among perverts, admittedly - but some people are invested in him. I understand slightly more if they're annoyed or repulsed by that version in the trailer, because its eyes are wrong; they want everything to be perfect.
But everyone else chipping in with an opinion? Do they really care? Really though? Really really? Do they? About some kids film starring a 90s-style Jim Carrey?
SLAP IN THE FACE
So today all the outrage has landed, because - if you write about games - the Sonic movie is something you're expected to have an opinion on.
"A 200mph slap in the face!" crows The Guardian. "This first look at the forthcoming film points to it being the worst video game tie-in of all time!"
"Worse than being punched by Knuckles the Echidna," bellows Techradar. "Avoid anything even remotely resembling a movie theater when the film releases on November 8, 2019."
"Nintendo would never let their prime character be turned into such a lackluster-looking movie," opines Forbes.
"The Sonic The Hedgehog movie is a blight upon this weary earth," suggests Kotaku.
I mean... it's a bit much isn't it? It hasn't even come out yet, and already it's being damned as the latest Worst Thing Of All Time.
Ever since that first Sonic teaser poster was revealed, the established narrative for this movie is that it's terrible and it's going to be an epic failure. I feel for the creators of it, because it's going to be an almost impossible task to reverse that. Take it from one who knows.
I just tire of all the negativity, and I know I'm guilty of it; even my review of Days Gone the other day focused entirely on its lack of originality, rather than the fact that it does what it does rather well, and I've been playing it a lot. It's just cheap and easy to be funny when you're shitting on something from an ivory commode. Not least when you know that your audience will lap it up.
I mean, look what happened when I expressed enthusiasm for Google's Stadia. I got a ton of shit for that, because I didn't hate on it. People wanted me to say how much I despised the idea, rather than be all excited and that.
So, I'm sorry I don't have anything to say about the Sonic The Hedgehog movie for you, like everyone else has done.
But hey... it's all good, right? I squeezed this article out of it.
So today all the outrage has landed, because - if you write about games - the Sonic movie is something you're expected to have an opinion on.
"A 200mph slap in the face!" crows The Guardian. "This first look at the forthcoming film points to it being the worst video game tie-in of all time!"
"Worse than being punched by Knuckles the Echidna," bellows Techradar. "Avoid anything even remotely resembling a movie theater when the film releases on November 8, 2019."
"Nintendo would never let their prime character be turned into such a lackluster-looking movie," opines Forbes.
"The Sonic The Hedgehog movie is a blight upon this weary earth," suggests Kotaku.
I mean... it's a bit much isn't it? It hasn't even come out yet, and already it's being damned as the latest Worst Thing Of All Time.
Ever since that first Sonic teaser poster was revealed, the established narrative for this movie is that it's terrible and it's going to be an epic failure. I feel for the creators of it, because it's going to be an almost impossible task to reverse that. Take it from one who knows.
I just tire of all the negativity, and I know I'm guilty of it; even my review of Days Gone the other day focused entirely on its lack of originality, rather than the fact that it does what it does rather well, and I've been playing it a lot. It's just cheap and easy to be funny when you're shitting on something from an ivory commode. Not least when you know that your audience will lap it up.
I mean, look what happened when I expressed enthusiasm for Google's Stadia. I got a ton of shit for that, because I didn't hate on it. People wanted me to say how much I despised the idea, rather than be all excited and that.
So, I'm sorry I don't have anything to say about the Sonic The Hedgehog movie for you, like everyone else has done.
But hey... it's all good, right? I squeezed this article out of it.
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