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OMG! SONIC THE HEDGEHOG MOVIE TRAILER OPNIONS: HERE!

1/5/2019

38 Comments

 
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Something being a journalist teaches you is how to engineer an opinion.

On Digitiser, back in the day, we were pumping out words day in day out, and learned to be affronted about anything at the drop of a hat in order to fill the pages. I admit, I always felt a bit self-conscious being outraged about things that literally made no difference to my life.

It's part of the reason Fat Sow was conceived; as a way of signalling that the furious opinions were made up.  

I'm not defending them - god forbid - but do you really think the likes of Katie Hopkins and Piers Morgan really care about half the things they bang on about in their newspaper columns or on Twitter? No - they simply know what their audience wants to hear.

To a certain degree, a journalist plays to the crowd, because that elicits the biggest roar. 

"Are you not entertained!?"

The furore which greets every Hopkins rant is precisely what she wants. If you react, then you're complicit in being her accomplice.
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OPINIONS EXPRESSED
I do the "Here's my outrrrrraaageous opinion!!!" thing less and less nowadays. Since bringing Digi back, I've mostly always tried to be congruent if I've expressed an opinion. I've mostly tried to write from a place of honesty and sincerity. 

I, like most journalists (believe it or not), have other stuff going on in my life which is significantly more important than the things I'm writing about. I've got a family. I've got bills to pay. I've got deadlines to hit in my day job. Those are things which are truly important. 

But, y'know, there are still those days when you just feel obliged to go for that reaction. 

In the case of that Sonic the Hedgehog movie trailer.... I watched it, in the knowledge that my audience would probably love it if I slagged it off in some hilarious, cynical, surreal fashion... and I tried. I really tried to find something funny and negative to say, but I just couldn't muster sufficient enthusiasm. I watched it, and I just felt... nothing. I had the emotional equivalent of a shrug.

It's a thing that exists. That's about all I can say. 

Having no real emotional connection to Sonic, and thus no real stake in wanting to see his well-established, cast-iron, continuity brought to the big screen, to me it's just more stuff destined to be consigned to the landfill of pop cultural content. 


Sure, it's got a weirdly sexualised blue furry creature in it, and, well, little kids might enjoy it, and his toned buttocks will bring in the furries hoping for some vore, I guess.... 

Sonic The Hedgehog? More like Sexxus The Erectoid!!!

See? That's all I've got. I just don't care enough to come up with something better. 

SODSEY
Speaking as the writer of one of the most poorly-received movies of all time, this is why I found it very hard to take the reviews of Pudsey The Dog The Movie personally; I've been on the other side of it. I've been where those journalists are, dumping on stuff that doesn't matter. 

Kermode and that embryo-looking bloke from The Guardian reviewing a cheap-and-cheerful Sunday afternoon-style movie aimed at six year-olds is ridiculous however you look at it. Subjecting it to the same reviewing criteria as they would, I dunno, The Piano, makes no sense.

It's like comparing the aesthetic and cultural qualities of a Furby to The Persistence of Memory.  

But they had a job to do, and they did that job. They raised their swords aloft, and soaked up the cheers from a crowd that had bayed for blood from the second that Pudsey film was announced. 

What's more, all the grief that Pudsey was subjected to on social media was, I knew, going to go away, and the world would move on. It meant nothing. It was just the cycle of outrage that - for all the vitriol expressed - didn't really bother anyone, because why should it? 

And if its existence genuinely did bother anyone - oooh! It's the death of the British film industry! - then I fear for their emotional wellbeing. 

I get that Sonic is a bit different. He's not a flash-in-the-pan TV talent show dog, but a cultural icon, who's been around for 30 years. He has a huge following - mostly among perverts, admittedly - but some people are invested in him. I understand slightly more if they're annoyed or repulsed by that version in the trailer, because its eyes are wrong; they want everything to be perfect. 

But everyone else chipping in with an opinion? Do they really care? Really though? Really really? Do they? About some kids film starring a 90s-style Jim Carrey?
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SLAP IN THE FACE
So today all the outrage has landed, because - if you write about games - the Sonic movie is something you're expected to have an opinion on.

"A 200mph slap in the face!" crows The Guardian. "This first look at the forthcoming film points to it being the worst video game tie-in of all time!" 

"Worse than being punched by Knuckles the Echidna," bellows Techradar. "Avoid anything even remotely resembling a movie theater when the film releases on November 8, 2019."

"Nintendo would never let their prime character be turned into such a lackluster-looking movie," opines Forbes.

"The Sonic The Hedgehog movie is a blight upon this weary earth," suggests Kotaku.

I mean... it's a bit much isn't it? It hasn't even come out yet, and already it's being damned as the latest Worst Thing Of All Time. 

Ever since that first Sonic teaser poster was revealed, the established narrative for this movie is that it's terrible and it's going to be an epic failure. I feel for the creators of it, because it's going to be an almost impossible task to reverse that. Take it from one who knows. 

I just tire of all the negativity, and I know I'm guilty of it; even my review of Days Gone the other day focused entirely on its lack of originality, rather than the fact that it does what it does rather well, and I've been playing it a lot. It's just cheap and easy to be funny when you're shitting on something from an ivory commode. Not least when you know that your audience will lap it up.

I mean, look what happened when I expressed enthusiasm for Google's Stadia. I got a ton of shit for that, because I didn't hate on it. People wanted me to say how much I despised the idea, rather than be all excited and that. 

So, I'm sorry I don't have anything to say about the Sonic The Hedgehog movie for you, like everyone else has done.

But hey... it's all good, right? I squeezed this article out of it. 
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38 Comments
furry bastard
1/5/2019 09:35:39 am

The most I can say about it is that they did a bad job with his face and they don't seem to care at all. Maybe they're going for "so bad it's good".

Mostly I'm wondering if the corpse of UK:R will release one last spasm now. It seems like the sort of thing that'd do that

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Wapojif
1/5/2019 09:37:43 am

I've revelled in the mass overreaction, it's entertaining. But, yeah, I'm not sure what people were expecting from a Sonic movie. I've never particularly liked the character as it was so clearly Sega's attempt to be cooler than Nintendo, so the character is a marketing gimmick in mine eyes. Although Sonic 2 was pretty neat.

But this from Forbes: "Nintendo would never let their prime character be turned into such a lackluster-looking movie." Yeah, they need to do some historical research.

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Glorbes
1/5/2019 10:02:43 am

I think they were kidding?

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Wapojif
1/5/2019 12:12:12 pm

Dunno, I've not read the Forbes article. Journalists do get it wrong sometimes, but it's Forbes so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt here. Innit.

Dan Whitehead
1/5/2019 01:26:08 pm

The bit right before that quote says "at least in today’s landscape" and it follows up with a paragraph about how, for all its faults, the Mario Bros movie is at least "going for it".

Whatever "it" is.

Mrtankthreat
1/5/2019 09:41:15 am

My favourite take on it so far was some guy on twitter who said hey, Sonic fans like shit video games, maybe they'll like shit films too.

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Algonkwin
1/5/2019 10:03:04 am

Scintillating stuff

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Mr.S
1/5/2019 09:49:24 am

It does look awful 😂 but who knows it might make me laugh which is what’s important right? I wouldn’t pay money to see it tho, I’ll just wait til it’s on some service I pay to watch other things on, so no box office £ from me, which is what they really want tho isn’t it?
But wow the knives are out quick, I recall a similar thing happened when they made Lady Ghostbusters - although that seemed to be more the ‘fans’ than the papers, and I saw it for free when it showed up on Sky and didn’t mind it at all, made me laugh a bit, but I probably wouldn’t bother to watch it against

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Grembot
1/5/2019 09:51:14 am

I’m fine with exactly how bad this film looks because as Biffo said, who cares?

I do think it’s strange that they thought a Sonic movie was worth making but only if they changed what Sonic looks like. There’s no escaping the fact he looks hideous which will surely put off more people than they’ll gain from all the “bad” publicity.

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James Sutherland
1/5/2019 10:03:07 am

I mean, I think the look of the main character is a pretty odd choice at best, and none of the jokes in the trailer were particularly funny, but it's clearly not going to be even close to as bad as something like Alone In The Dark or Bloodrayne.

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Brothel creeper
1/5/2019 10:11:18 am

Agreed, this will still be better than every painfully painfully dull Resi Evil movie

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
2/5/2019 11:53:17 am

Dull? The first one had Jovonipples, the second one upped its game by showing her minge, too.

Mark
1/5/2019 10:10:48 am

Sonic does look ridiculous but I don’t blame the movie producers or whatever I blame Sega why would they let this happen to one of their most popular ips. I read an article this morning saying Sega has seen a 70% drop in profits which is ridiculous but all they were saying is we are concentrating on existing ips and making games for all formats isn’t that what they were supposed to be doing anyway since the demise of the Dreamcast. Sega has some of the greatest ips in gaming such a rich history of arcade greatness and they don’t know what to do with it and to top it off they let shit like this come out and wonder why people see them as a bit of a joke

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Geebs
1/5/2019 10:12:39 am

Eh, looks better than The Force Awakens.

Are we still supposed to care what Mark Kermode thinks? I once had the extreme displeasure of going to a screening of The Exorcist which involved him coming on stage and laboriously fellating William Friedkin for about ten minutes, which was rendered completely redundant when Billy himself strode on immediately after and proceeded to suck himself off with such energy, panache, and stamina that Kermode's bootlicking was completely forgotten.

The symmetry here is that The Exorcist, like Sonic, was never good.

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Scary frank
1/5/2019 10:14:24 am

A better author would have omitted forgetting the previous bootlicking directly after describing the previous bootlicking

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Geebs
1/5/2019 10:26:56 am

A better copy editor would have spotted that I used the word "completely" twice in the same sentence. You're fired.

Guru Larry link
1/5/2019 10:15:13 am

Mark Kermode is a massive bellend of the highest order anyway, he's hates video games as he doesn't understand them and refuses to play them. But anyone who dresses like a fat Mark Lamarr should never been taken seriously.

But it is all context, it's like reviewing something made 40 years ago and judging it by today's standards "ooh look how racist/sexist this is"

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Johnc
1/5/2019 10:52:53 am

If a movie gets a drubbing by reviewers then I'll probably avoid and it won't affect my life at all - it's a big soooo what??
What I hate are movies that get heaped with praise (often for some political reason) but which I end up disliking when I watch them. That's a waste of my time and that fecks me off.
So, Sonic... Meh.

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Eggyroo
1/5/2019 11:01:14 am

Slumdog millionaire was that film.

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RG
1/5/2019 12:37:42 pm

Valhalla Rising was praised by the critics. It starts with a cool guy who fights good. Then it's 2 hours of existential sulking.

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Craig
1/5/2019 11:43:25 am

Well, I'll buck the trend here, because I thought it was quite fun. I don't really give a shit about Sonic, mind (never cared for the games much). I was amused enough to watch the whole trailer. If it showed up on Netflix, I might give it a spin. OHO.

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RichardM
1/5/2019 01:16:57 pm

No one has once mentioned Jim Carey’s casting... I dunno. Would there be a better Dr Robotnik? Bernard Manning’s rotting corpse, perhaps?

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Mr Bass
2/5/2019 10:15:54 am

If the plot were about Dr Robotnik trying to destroy the world's stockpile of childhood vaccinations then they cast the right actor.

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Brewster Williams
1/5/2019 02:02:32 pm

I assume its for kids who watch the cartoon and bought a lunchbox, not for tubby 40-year-olds who played the original games like me.

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Deexan
1/5/2019 02:13:33 pm

Are Forbes taking the piss with that Nintendo comment? They must be.

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RichardM
1/5/2019 02:39:28 pm

When I saw it I thought Biffo was taking the piss, but no. I think in this post-irony world they probably just got it wrong.

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Sedric-and-Charlie
1/5/2019 04:08:28 pm

I think, and I know everyone else has said this too, that Sonic's face looks weirdly unpleasant, like they still haven't worked out how to render him despite two decades' worth of progressive CGI Sonics. But honestly the film'll likely be fine, unremarkable at worst. I've every intention of seeing it and I'm sure I'll be at least reasonably entertained by it. It can't be worse than the series where he's an exiled triplet prince and he and his brother and sister are in a synthpop band

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SynthpopSonique
1/5/2019 04:23:17 pm

HOW DARE YOU

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Spiney O’Sullivan
1/5/2019 10:44:10 pm

Say what you like about Sonic Underground, but that theme tune is pretty catchy.

THEY MADE A VOW, THEIR MOTHER WOULD BE FOUND! SONIC UNDERGROUND!

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Robobob
1/5/2019 04:26:57 pm

If they tied the film up with some of that erotic fan fiction from the Digi article the other week, we'd have something worth talking about.

I mean everyone who watched it would need therapy and/or mind bleach, but at least it'd be FUNNY.

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
1/5/2019 10:59:51 pm

So this, with higher production values?

https://youtu.be/M4wUPCRLdlg

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Voiced By Guides
1/5/2019 06:15:51 pm

Couldn't care less about the film, but the dvd scene select had better only be accessible by pressing up down left right a start on the intro menu. Or else...

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
1/5/2019 10:52:41 pm

What I don’t understand is why this is taking a lazy “fish out of water, thrown into our kooky modern world” angle. It’s set today in AMERICA! and there’s cops and stuffy people in suits and social awkwardness and the big bad government is going to point guns at it, and only an awkward, unlikely hero can save it.

It’s basically the exact same story as Bumblebee, another character who didn’t need their own movie, and who was seriously mangled by said movie.

Sonic has tons of lore, but I get the feeling they think the existing Sonic Boom proves it wouldn’t translate into an animated movie made by Westerners. I will admit, I felt it was weird that Sonic Adventure had Sonic in the “real world” but at least it was a Japanesey real world. Watery-eyed anime girls and salarymen in a UK:R-pleasing bright futuristic city at least seems to fit more around Sonic than whatever they’re trying to do here.

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Random non-chalant
2/5/2019 09:15:32 am

I did a search and no one seems to have mentioned Detective Pikachu.

It's weird, but that had an excellent trailer and seemed damn excellent.

And both films feature an anthropomorphic rodent which talks.

I don't care about either franchise, but it's funny to see how very right they got the one, and how very wrong they got the other.

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King of Sass
2/5/2019 05:10:25 pm

Many, many people have moaned about the hairy Pikachu.

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Klone
2/5/2019 12:21:38 pm

It wasn't as bad as I expected, raised a titter or two. I suspect I'd have liked it a lot more if not for the inexplicable choice of song. More importantly, the kids think it looks fun.

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David Heslop
2/5/2019 01:52:09 pm

I think the film looks fine. Or, rather, it doesn't really look very good, but it looks like it's hewing closely to an established formula. I have a feeling most of the vicious criticism is coming from people who don't have kids and therefore haven't had to compile a mental ranking of "CG characters interacting with live-action humans" kids' films. This looks broadly similar to the likes of Alvin and the Chipmunks or The Smurfs; I imagine it'll be filled with lots of rapidly-dating pop culture references and songs that were big six months ago.

Where it does differ, however, is Sonic himself, who is quite unappealing aesthetically. I appreciate it's probably a hard job to make a "realistic" Sonic, and the poor animators were no doubt pulled in all directions from the various execs who'll have all had a say, but he is a very odd-looking design. The Chipmunks in the Chipmunk movies strike a decent balance between realism and anthropomorphism (a lot better, in fact, than they manage in the most recent animated series); the Smurfs look like Smurfs. Going way back, I'd say it's the rather odd-looking Garfield who he most reminds me of, although there the disparity was more because they'd tried to make Garfield look more like the comic strip but populated the rest of the film with actual animals, resulting in this one weird deformed-looking cat.

So yeah: Sonic looks weird, I can almost see how they came to that design, but the film itself will, I'm sure, be inoffensively mediocre.

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BodOps
19/5/2019 11:59:41 pm

Trailer oponions? Sounds delicious!

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