DIGITISER
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ

OMG! LET'S SELL SOME SECOND-HAND GAMES!

17/11/2015

11 Comments

 
Today's the day you've been waiting for all year - the day that Star Wars Battlefront is released! Too bad you're facing a mountain of unpaid hen maintenance bills, and can't afford to buy it.

​It looks like you're going to have to do the thing you've been putting off for ages... you're going to have to sell your collection of video games... OMG!

​Come on - let's head down to the second-hand games exchange and make this selling happen...!
Picture
You bundle your games into a couple of carrier bags, and catch the bus into town. As expected, your former step-father is there on the bus as he always is, still smarting from the divorce, and just riding around the city-centre gyratory route on an open-ended ticket.

Typically, he never looks at you, never speaks to you, despite your mumbled greeting. He just glares out from his softly rustling bag.

​It would make you weep if you hadn't witnessed this over a dozen times. It has been six years. You'd think he'd be over your mother leaving him for Rameses III by now.
Picture
You reach the games exchange, and steel yourself for what is ahead: handing over your precious games is never easy.

​How many Christmases, birthdays and paydays are you about to part with? It's like selling a piece of your soul to some noxious old tinker.
Picture
You enter the shop, and you are approached by a friendly-looking man wearing a lanyard.

​"Hello," says the friendly-'un. "I am Lanyard Wozniak, the manager of this ruddy shop for Christ's sake. How can I help you?"
Picture
"I've come to sell some games, Lanyard" you reply, holding aloft your carrier bags. "How much will you give me for this lot?"

"F*ckshit! You can get fifty eight pounds exchange," says the sensually-twitching Wozniak. "Or three pounds sale."
Picture
"Three pounds!??" you sputter. "Th... three pounds!? Do you realise how many games there are in these bags?"

"Yes I realise," barks the still-smiling Lanyard. "Do you know how I realise?"

​"How do you realise?" you ask.

"I DON'T REALISE - WHOOP WHOOP!! PSYCHE!" yells Lanyard at the top of his voice, drawing the attention of other staff and customers.
Picture
Lanyard suddenly thrusts his fist into your throat - Punch! Pench! - and you black out, already.
Picture
When you eventually come to, you are no longer in the games exchange, but a cornfield.

Paths lead off in every direction, and you can hear the distant whoop of howler monkeys. Your neck still hurts from Lanyard Wozniak's unprompted assault, and your trousers have been replaced.

Realising that something real bad has probably happened, you head off in one of the possible directions in order to find help.
Picture
"Psst!" comes a voice from within the corn, as you stroll along the barley boulevard. You turn to find an impish figure peering out at you from within the husks.

"Answer me this riddle-me-ree and I'll let you pass for free," chirrups the whimsical husk imp.

"Do I have to?" you reply wearily. "I just want to sell some old games, but the manager of the shop punched me in the neck, and I blacked out, and woke up here. My trousers have been replaced."

"Answer my riddle or you'll never get to sell your games," counters the imp.


"Fine," you sigh. "Ask your stupid riddle."
Picture
"What is my name?" asks the husk imp, stroking his/her chin and frenulum.

"That's not a riddle," you insist. "That's just you asking me to guess your name!".

"Answer me this riddle-me-ree or ye shall never sell your geemees!" belches the cheeky imp, firmly, rustling some corn husks for emphasis.

"I dunno..." you bleat. "James...?"

The imp looks offended, and spits at you.

"I mean... Jane! Steve! Shelly? Nathan Saunders! Selldrac?! Sportzz-z!"

"You are wrong on all counts. Now I shall confront you with a second riddle - how old do you think I am?"


Irritated by his non-riddles, you head off deeper into the corn maze. You can hear the husk imp wheezing as you walk away, almost as if he's trying to wheeze as loudly as he can in a bid to impress you.

​Shamefully, the combination of corn husks, imp wheezing, and replaced trousers serves to really turn you on.
Picture
You walk for what feels like hours, as the blazing sun sucks the moisture out of your skin and lips. Being turned on becomes a distant memory, as exhaustion and isolation takes hold.

The only sound is the rustling of the husks, and the dying bleeps of the distant howler monkeys, and a moderate bee.
Picture
"Hello again." 

You've walked around in circles. You quickly sprint back the way you came, so as to avoid the husk imp's pointless riddles, and unintended effect.
Picture
Gradually, night begins to happen, which is bare scary jokes when you're in a corn maze, brah.
Picture
You turn a corner and come face-to-face with a terrifying apparition called Charlie Woods.

"Help!" states Woods, flatly. "I've been lost in this maze for years, ever since I tried to sell some second-hand games. I woke up here with a knocked throat, and my trousers replaced."

"That's what happened to me!" you screech, glad to meet finally someone with whom you share similar life experiences. "The difference between you and me is I'm gonna get out of here!"

"Good luck with that sort of thing," croaks the white-faced Charlie, sarcastically, before continuing in a similar manner: "Nice shoes by the way."

And with that, he disappears into the corn, emitting a long and unnecessary fart as he does so.
Picture
Desperate to escape the maze, you decide to lay down and have a nap, hoping that some ants will carry your sleeping form back home. However... when you awaken it is morning, and you're right where you drifted off.

Fortunately, in the harsh light of dawn you spot a nice white sign: you fell asleep right next to the maze exit! Hurrah! This nightmare is almost over.
Picture
You exit the maze, and notice a bright red door up ahead. You gingerly reach out to twist the handle, but as you open the door you feel your legs giving way, and the whole world turns a familiar shade of unconscious...
Picture
"Hey, are you ok?" asks Laynard Wo​zniak, as he helps you up from the floor of the games exchange. "You went really pale, and seemed to pass out right after I punched you in the throat, and stamped repeatedly on your thorax."

"Wait," you say.
"So all that stuff with the maze, and the husk imp, never actually happened? It was all in my mind?"


"I couldn't possibly comment," chuckles Lanyard, with a wink.

He opens his mouth as if to say more - potentially some sort of profound statement, which wraps up your mysterious adventure in some sort of neat bow - but he just lets out a heavy breath, and stares at you for several minutes without saying another word.

You wait for him to continue talking, but eventually it becomes so awkward that you decide to leave and find another second-hand games shop.

You look back through the shopfront window, and see the manager still staring at you, his lips slightly parted, his chest rising and falling with every breath...
Picture
By the time you reach the other games exchange, the shops are closed. You've no choice but to catch the bus back home.

​You clamber aboard the number 11, and once again sit opposite your former step-father. However, unlike every other time you've seen him since your mother ran off with Rameses III, he turns to look at you, and smiles.

You can't help but smile back. You've not spoken to him in years, and in many respects he was as much a father to you as Father Christmas, your real father. 

"What brings you into town?" asks your former step-father.

"I came to sell some games. It's the only way I can afford Star Wars Battlefront."
Picture
He laughs, heartily. "Still playing the old video games, eh? Well, it just so happens that I knew it was the day that Star Wars Battlefront was released, and I knew you'd be coming into town to raise the funds to buy it. Why don't you put your hand up inside my bin-liner?"

"What?" you ask, taken aback by his peculiar suggestion.

"Well... if you don't want Star Wars Battlefront..."

"No, no! I do!" you protest, as you reach for the hem of his old bin liner, and slide your trembling hand up inside, realising almost immediately that he isn't wearing so much as a vest. 

You rummage around, your fingers playing across his clammy skin, the grey whips of chest hair, his tumescent nips... but there's nothing else in there. No copy of Star Wars Battlefront, no £50 note... nothing that's going to help you get a copy of the game you want so desperately.

All you find is the answer to the question you never knew you wanted answered, the one you've been subconsciously asking yourself these past six years: why your mother left him for an Egyptian pharaoh who died in 1155BC.

Your step-father half-closes his eyes, and smirks.

"The End," he hisses through his yellow teeth, as he starts arching his back, so that his stomach presses against your hand... "The end..."
Picture
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
LET'S GO TO SIR CLIFF'S HOUSE!
A DAY WITH DONALD TRUMP
A DAY IN THE LIFE: SUPER MARIO
11 Comments
lilock3
17/11/2015 07:43:37 pm

This is why I never sell games. This, and the fact that they're like children to me. Hard, flat, shiny, round children, with a hole punched through their middle - just like children should be.

I do enjoy a good maize maze however, and have been fortunate enough to never encounter an imp within. There was once an unfortunate incident when I came across a Pogus in a brittled harness though...

Reply
Cale link
17/11/2015 08:24:16 pm

That's the Games Exchange in Taunton, don't worry it's a shithole!

Reply
Chris
18/11/2015 02:13:22 pm

Looks like the one in Elephant and Castle. Oh I don't know what to think!!!

Reply
Kelvin Green link
17/11/2015 08:29:40 pm

WOZNIAK!

This is brilliant.

Reply
Hamptonoid
17/11/2015 10:46:34 pm

Totally brilliant. Worth the subscription for this alone!

Reply
Pastebutty
17/11/2015 11:16:46 pm

That was just plain marvellous!

Reply
Hoboerotica
18/11/2015 01:53:36 am

This would make a great basis for Lifeline 3

Reply
FEoD link
18/11/2015 06:49:42 am

The combination of corn husks, imp wheezing, and replaced trousers in this second hand games trade expose really turned me on.
I'm off to buy some new games just to have some to sell second hand on the off-chance something equally erotic happens to me...

Reply
Toaster
18/11/2015 10:02:33 am

Damn, I didn't realise I was so out of shape before I got penched.

Reply
Paulvw
18/11/2015 06:21:32 pm

Sorry, thought I was having an acid flashback.

Reply
ChorltonWheelie
19/11/2015 09:45:01 pm

How else to leak the plot of HL3? Genius.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    This section will not be visible in live published website. Below are your current settings:


    Current Number Of Columns are = 2

    Expand Posts Area =

    Gap/Space Between Posts = 12px

    Blog Post Style = card

    Use of custom card colors instead of default colors = 1

    Blog Post Card Background Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Shadow Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Border Color = current color

    Publish the website and visit your blog page to see the results

    Picture
    Support Me on Ko-fi
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    RSS Feed Widget
    Picture

    Picture
    Tweets by @mrbiffo
    Picture
    Follow us on The Facebook

    Picture

    Archives

    December 2022
    May 2022
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    July 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014


    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ