You can't contain your excitement! This coming Friday is Black Friday - the Blackest Friday of all the Fridays.
It's the one day of the year when people around the world temporarily forget about all the bombs and slaughter and stuff that's happening, and head out to the shops to pick up some of those sweet bargains.
You don't want to miss out on your chance of fighting the crowds to grab a mildly discounted item, but if you want to stand a chance of picking up the sweetest bargains you'd better get down to your favourite shop fast. Hurry now!
It's the one day of the year when people around the world temporarily forget about all the bombs and slaughter and stuff that's happening, and head out to the shops to pick up some of those sweet bargains.
You don't want to miss out on your chance of fighting the crowds to grab a mildly discounted item, but if you want to stand a chance of picking up the sweetest bargains you'd better get down to your favourite shop fast. Hurry now!
You arrive at the shop to find that there are hundreds of other bargain-hunters who had the same idea to get here early. This is a living nightmare! They're all standing in line, swaying back and forth while murmuring and humming the wordless Black Friday anthem, "Nmm-uu/Nmmm-uuu/Tmmm-uuu/Trrrrm".
Dejected, you start trudging slowly towards the back of the queue, and just hope there'll be some bargains left when you make it to the front.
Dejected, you start trudging slowly towards the back of the queue, and just hope there'll be some bargains left when you make it to the front.
Unfortunately, the queue is even longer than you feared. It seems to stretch on for miles upon miles...
And miles...
And miles...
And miles...
In fact, the queue is so long, that you witness first-hand Einstein's Law of Relativity: the front of the queue might be in 2015, but the back of it is stuck decades in the past, and in black and white.
Yet still the bargain hunters sway and murmur.
Yet still the bargain hunters sway and murmur.
Frustrated, you return to the front of the queue, and see if there's any way you can push in.
You pace back and forth looking for a gap, but nothing is forthcoming. And then you get a break: one man leans out of the queue and beckons you with a sibilant hiss.
"Are you hissing at me sibilantly?" you ask.
"Well, who else would I be hissing at, dummy?" he replies. "I got an offer for you. How would you like to nab a sweet bargain before everyone else?"
"Do I ever!" you trill.
"Are you hissing at me sibilantly?" you ask.
"Well, who else would I be hissing at, dummy?" he replies. "I got an offer for you. How would you like to nab a sweet bargain before everyone else?"
"Do I ever!" you trill.
"We don't have long," chuffs the man.
"Pretty soon that shop is going to be full of customers, punching, kicking and lashing out. Fortunately, I know a secret way into the shop. But I need you to do something for me."
Misinterpreting what the man might mean, you approach him with your tongue waggling. However, he bats it away, disgusted.
"Not that," he gasps. "I'm asexual."
"A sexual what?" you joke.
"Pretty soon that shop is going to be full of customers, punching, kicking and lashing out. Fortunately, I know a secret way into the shop. But I need you to do something for me."
Misinterpreting what the man might mean, you approach him with your tongue waggling. However, he bats it away, disgusted.
"Not that," he gasps. "I'm asexual."
"A sexual what?" you joke.
The man shows you an ancient parchment, upon which he has scrawled an image of the item he wants you to find.
"This is the most precious item in the shop," he whispers.
"This is the most precious item in the shop," he whispers.
"I need you to grab it for me while I wait in line and distract everyone by showing them some tortoise poo. Do you think you can do that?"
"Probably," you reply. "But how am I gonna get inside?"
"Take this key. It opens the door to the stockroom round the back. Now hurry! We don't have long before opening time!"
"Probably," you reply. "But how am I gonna get inside?"
"Take this key. It opens the door to the stockroom round the back. Now hurry! We don't have long before opening time!"
You head into the dirty alley around the back of the shop, shielding your nose and eyes from the real bad smells.
And then you see the door. Almost unable to contain your excitement at being given such an important mission, you force the key into the lock.
Before you know it, you've made it: you're inside the shop's stock room! Shelves spread off every which way, creaking beneath the weight of the sweet, sweet bargains.
You look around for the item the man wanted you to find. But before you can start your rummage, you hear a noise over your left shoulder.
You look around for the item the man wanted you to find. But before you can start your rummage, you hear a noise over your left shoulder.
A face peers out from behind the shelves.
"You can't be here," says the face. "The shop isn't open yet. Don't you know it isn't safe?"
"What do you mean it isn't safe?" you ask nervously, as heavy footsteps approach.
"Too late! He's coming!"
"You can't be here," says the face. "The shop isn't open yet. Don't you know it isn't safe?"
"What do you mean it isn't safe?" you ask nervously, as heavy footsteps approach.
"Too late! He's coming!"
"I'm sorry, my friend." hisses the shelfman. "I hope he makes it quick and painless."
"Makes what quick and painless?" you enquire. "Are you referring to a sex thing?"
"No!" says the shelfman. "He's asexual."
"A sexual what?" you ask, again, laughing.
"Makes what quick and painless?" you enquire. "Are you referring to a sex thing?"
"No!" says the shelfman. "He's asexual."
"A sexual what?" you ask, again, laughing.
But it is too late - the shelfman ducks down, as an imposing figure steps into the aisle, and locks his fearsome gaze upon you.
"What are you doing in my shop before it has opened?!" booms the imposing figure. "I am Brodgard, the king of Black Friday (in this shop), and you are transgressing on my turf."
"I... I... I... work here," you stutter, feebly.
"Lies!" bellows the king. "I know all my employees by sight, and you are not one of them. Tell me the truth, or I shall stab you right in the bum."
"What are you doing in my shop before it has opened?!" booms the imposing figure. "I am Brodgard, the king of Black Friday (in this shop), and you are transgressing on my turf."
"I... I... I... work here," you stutter, feebly.
"Lies!" bellows the king. "I know all my employees by sight, and you are not one of them. Tell me the truth, or I shall stab you right in the bum."
"Ok, ok," you stammer, handing over the parchment. "I'm here to find this."
"Who gave you this?!" rages the king. "Was it an older gentleman in a sharp suit?!"
"That's him," you reply.
"Curse him! You would've thought he'd learned his lesson last year when he tried to steal all my bargain biltong."
"Who gave you this?!" rages the king. "Was it an older gentleman in a sharp suit?!"
"That's him," you reply.
"Curse him! You would've thought he'd learned his lesson last year when he tried to steal all my bargain biltong."
"Hmmm," muses King Brodgar. "I see that you are nothing but a simple patsy. You have been led astray by my greatest enemy, Rod Portrait."
"That's a funny name," you chuckle.
"Silence!" shrieks the King. "This is no laughing matter. Rod Portrait is always trying to get the sweet bargains before everyone else, ignoring the proper way of things. I cannot allow this to continue. Tell me, will you help me in bringing an end to Rod Portrait once and for all?"
"Alright," you say.
"I haven't finished!" counters the king. "In return I will give you an additional three percent off any item in my store."
"I said alright," you reply, impatiently.
"That's a funny name," you chuckle.
"Silence!" shrieks the King. "This is no laughing matter. Rod Portrait is always trying to get the sweet bargains before everyone else, ignoring the proper way of things. I cannot allow this to continue. Tell me, will you help me in bringing an end to Rod Portrait once and for all?"
"Alright," you say.
"I haven't finished!" counters the king. "In return I will give you an additional three percent off any item in my store."
"I said alright," you reply, impatiently.
Brodgard hands you a mighty sword, and tells you to trust it with your life.
"Take this sword," he growls. "And use it to stab Rod Portrait in the heart. I would do it myself, but I've never killed anyone before - just stabbed people right in the bum. It hurts, but it isn't lethal."
"Ok," you say, picturing a bum in your mind. "I understand."
"Take this sword," he growls. "And use it to stab Rod Portrait in the heart. I would do it myself, but I've never killed anyone before - just stabbed people right in the bum. It hurts, but it isn't lethal."
"Ok," you say, picturing a bum in your mind. "I understand."
You return to the front of the shop, gripping the sword tightly.
"Well?" asks Rod Portrait. "Did you get it?"
"No!" you cackle. "You're going to get it, Rod Portrait! And by that I mean you're going to get this sword in your heart! Ha ha!"
"Who's Rod Portrait?" asks the man, confused, but before another word can spill forth from his lips, you thrust the sword through his heart. Rod Portrait, or whoever he is, drops to the floor, massively dead.
"Well?" asks Rod Portrait. "Did you get it?"
"No!" you cackle. "You're going to get it, Rod Portrait! And by that I mean you're going to get this sword in your heart! Ha ha!"
"Who's Rod Portrait?" asks the man, confused, but before another word can spill forth from his lips, you thrust the sword through his heart. Rod Portrait, or whoever he is, drops to the floor, massively dead.
"Wow!" you say to yourself, as the other people in the queue run for their lives. "I feel really terrible about doing that. I should've thought it through more before just doing what that king told me to do."
However, you realise with a smile that due to your bloodthirsty actions you are now the only person left in the queue.
However, you realise with a smile that due to your bloodthirsty actions you are now the only person left in the queue.
You check your watch: it's 9am! The shop is open - and you have it entirely to yourself! Sweet bargains, here you come!
Best Black Friday ever! Nmm-uu/Nmmm-uuu/Tmmm-uuu/Trrrrm indeed!
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