Kids today, eh? They don't know how good they have it. Things are so good now, that they expect everything to be handed to them on the end of a pizza paddle. Oh, how I hate them...
Look at the Nintendo Switch; a device of almost limitless gaming potential, which works as both an under-the-telly console and a handheld games system. Children of the 70s and 80s could never have conceived of such a thing, and were they capable of doing so their brains would've likely shut down, never to reactivate.
Here's a trawl through some of the electronic garbage my generation had to suffer through.
Look at the Nintendo Switch; a device of almost limitless gaming potential, which works as both an under-the-telly console and a handheld games system. Children of the 70s and 80s could never have conceived of such a thing, and were they capable of doing so their brains would've likely shut down, never to reactivate.
Here's a trawl through some of the electronic garbage my generation had to suffer through.
SIMON
Get this: Simon was co-created by Ralph H. Baer, otherwise known as "The Father of Video Games" for his creation of the Magnavox Odyssey games console.
Though presumably named after the children's game Simon Says - the origins of which date back to the 13th Century, when Simon de Montfort captured King Henry III and his son, the future King Edward I, during the Battle of Lewes - there were no such historical connotations to the electronic version.
Simon featured four coloured panels, which would light up and make a sequence of foul rasps. Players would have to memorise these sequences and lurid honks, then play them back by tapping the panel with their hands or sternum. The sequences of lights and pallid caterwauling would become longer and more complex as the game progressed. It was basically the Cro-Magnon version of that Bop-It thing they have now.
Indeed, following the success of Bop-It, Hasbro - the current owners of Simon - launched two modern versions, Simon Swipe and Simon Air, both of whom sound like people who might work in your office.
Though presumably named after the children's game Simon Says - the origins of which date back to the 13th Century, when Simon de Montfort captured King Henry III and his son, the future King Edward I, during the Battle of Lewes - there were no such historical connotations to the electronic version.
Simon featured four coloured panels, which would light up and make a sequence of foul rasps. Players would have to memorise these sequences and lurid honks, then play them back by tapping the panel with their hands or sternum. The sequences of lights and pallid caterwauling would become longer and more complex as the game progressed. It was basically the Cro-Magnon version of that Bop-It thing they have now.
Indeed, following the success of Bop-It, Hasbro - the current owners of Simon - launched two modern versions, Simon Swipe and Simon Air, both of whom sound like people who might work in your office.
MERLIN
Merlin may look like a phone, but that's only with the benefit of modern hindsight. Were you to try phoning somebody on it, you would've been treated to nothing more than a procession of discordant electronic yelps. In 1978, when Merlin was released, it merely looked like Merlin: the electronic Devil's Novelty.
Featuring six games, which utilised its eleven - count 'em - light-up buttons, these included a Simon-like memory game and Tic-Tac-Toe, as well as a simple music making function. Indeed, Merlin was one of the first affordable electronic synthesizers - pre-dating even the Stylophone, a sort of electronic keyboard thing crossed with a dental probe, that was particularly popular with huffing Antipodean nonces.
Featuring six games, which utilised its eleven - count 'em - light-up buttons, these included a Simon-like memory game and Tic-Tac-Toe, as well as a simple music making function. Indeed, Merlin was one of the first affordable electronic synthesizers - pre-dating even the Stylophone, a sort of electronic keyboard thing crossed with a dental probe, that was particularly popular with huffing Antipodean nonces.
ELECTRONIC BATTLESHIP
Battleship had been knocking around for years - since the First World War in fact, where French officers played it under the name L'Attaque, while eating onions, and saying stuff like "Le-pompt! L'Attaque mon battleship-le-dooo!"
It was Milton Bradley that turned Battle into plastic in 1967, with its popular Electronic Battleship variant arriving a decade later. It was infinitely more desirable and exciting-looking than its predecessor, with jarring electronic squawking, and real buttons to press.
Despite that, Electronic Battleship was never quite as engaging as the adverts implied, though few 1970s schoolchildren would have never uttered its iconic slogan "Battleship is life... Battleship is love" ("You sunk my battleship!").
It was Milton Bradley that turned Battle into plastic in 1967, with its popular Electronic Battleship variant arriving a decade later. It was infinitely more desirable and exciting-looking than its predecessor, with jarring electronic squawking, and real buttons to press.
Despite that, Electronic Battleship was never quite as engaging as the adverts implied, though few 1970s schoolchildren would have never uttered its iconic slogan "Battleship is life... Battleship is love" ("You sunk my battleship!").
BLIP
Tomy's Blip was a handheld - or, rather, tabletop - electronic LED version of Pong. To play it, you had to literally wind it up, and instead of controlling a bat or paddle, players had to press button 1, 2, or 3 to correspond with the button their opponent had pressed. That was it. Yes... yes... it was rubbish, probably.
Once again, there were no sound effects beyond a distressing mechanical drone, as the timer - and the players' patience - wore down.
Once again, there were no sound effects beyond a distressing mechanical drone, as the timer - and the players' patience - wore down.
RACING TURBO DASHBOARD
Any child who owned a Tomy Racing Turbo Dashboard was a lucky child indeed. All I ever had was a cheap steering wheel with a cardboard dashboard, which hung off the back of my dad's car seat. I would sit in the back, and mimic my father's driving. To do this today, I would have to drive as slowly as possible, while occasionally clipping the wing mirrors of other cars, or reversing into a low wall. He's 83.
Where I had to use my imagination, owners of the Racing Turbo Dashboard had an actual screen to do the work of their imagination for them. A lurid, scrolling, 3D roadway would occasionally lob other cars in the path of the player's vehicle - accompanied by the sound of your car's engine, in the form of a rowdy motorised clicking.
Where I had to use my imagination, owners of the Racing Turbo Dashboard had an actual screen to do the work of their imagination for them. A lurid, scrolling, 3D roadway would occasionally lob other cars in the path of the player's vehicle - accompanied by the sound of your car's engine, in the form of a rowdy motorised clicking.
AUTO RACE
Mattel's Auto Race has the distinction of being the first entirely digital handheld game, without any mechanical parts. Like most firsts - first drink, first poo, first marriage - it wasn't very good. A red LED represented the cars (the player's own, and the ones they must avoid), and a chain of shrill voltaic paps standing in for everything from crashes to engine noise.
ELECTRONIC STRIKER
There were numerous ways in the 1970s to play football without actually playing football. Subbuteo was perhaps the most popular. Making a decent grab for its crown was Electronic Striker, developed by Birmingham City and Nottingham forward Trevor Francis, in his garden shed.
Other things Trevor Francis did in his shed: shiver like a baby bird, sniff his wrench, and count to ten.
Other things Trevor Francis did in his shed: shiver like a baby bird, sniff his wrench, and count to ten.
STAR WARS ELECTRONIC BATTLE COMMAND
Ads for the Star Wars Electronic Battle Command game suggested a full-size, Star Wars-style, computer console, so it was rather disappointing to realise that Electronic Battle Command was rather on the wee side. Indeed, the game itself was rather on the wee side, in that it was about as much entertainment value as drinking a bowl of bear urine, through a straw.
Up to four players could engage in this bewildering attempt at recreating the thrill of space combat, by rendering it as profoundly unappealing as possible, and testing their patience with its discrepant synthetic jangle.
Up to four players could engage in this bewildering attempt at recreating the thrill of space combat, by rendering it as profoundly unappealing as possible, and testing their patience with its discrepant synthetic jangle.
MICROVISION
Get this: the Game Boy wasn't the first handheld games console with interchangeable cartridges. That accolade can be smeared across the brow and lips of Milton Bradley's Microvision. Released in 1979, the Microvision remained on sale for a mere two years, having been plagued with technical issues.
Only 12 games were ever made available for the Microvision, including the usual arcade clones, as well as Star Trek: Phaser Strike - released to coincide with the first Star Trek movie. It wasn't as exciting as that sounds; the LCD graphics for most Microvision games were made up of simple blocks, whereas the sound was rarely more than a procession of computerised dissonance.
Only 12 games were ever made available for the Microvision, including the usual arcade clones, as well as Star Trek: Phaser Strike - released to coincide with the first Star Trek movie. It wasn't as exciting as that sounds; the LCD graphics for most Microvision games were made up of simple blocks, whereas the sound was rarely more than a procession of computerised dissonance.
SPACE CHASER
One of countless attempts to drag Space Invaders out of the arcades, before technology was really ready for it, Space Chaser, was another semi-mechanical folly.
Rather than face an entire armada of alien invaders, Space Chaser players were required to punt a slow-moving missile at a solitary flying saucer, which bobbed around at the top of the screen, like a discarded syringe box in a canal.
Rather than face an entire armada of alien invaders, Space Chaser players were required to punt a slow-moving missile at a solitary flying saucer, which bobbed around at the top of the screen, like a discarded syringe box in a canal.
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