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OLD-ISH GAME: HERE REVIEW - DRAGON AGE INQUISITION (Xbox One/PS4)

9/3/2015

9 Comments

 
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And lo, in The Fourth Age of Belmbarg did Flentoid The Heretic come forth from The Woods of Delmoc, and fall prostate at the scaly feet of Glamwroc The Wise. 

And did Glamwroc decree upon Belmbarg the title of The Chosen One, and bestow upon him the Three Powers of Hartigan: Grannis, Hemmington and Jonty.

And t'was upon that day did Belmbarg pick up The Sword of Krramp-lips and mount his loyal steed Steve, and set out into the Plomptylands for the misty shores of Yardle-Prance-Flenn-Faff. 

For Glamwroc, son of Yopple, had cast the Hafflespell 'pon The Prophecy of Tinc, and decreed that hope had not yet left his lands.

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THE AGE OF CLIMPRILLOSILLO
And so it was that Belmbarg did meet with the three fallen heroes in the City of Drabble, whom would become, in time, his most trusted companions: Nimmo the Elf - Mage-tickler of The Elder Gelb; Prancy McSloon - a cunning vorp-smith, betrothed to Dannic The Lisp-y; and Ropey Weaselshat - tinker, tailor, soldier, flasher.

Together, the four warriors did swear a brown allegiance to The Order of Footarse, and spread The Honks of Nanak 'cross the Realm of The Seven So-Called Realms - from the Nippled Mountains of Bazzo, to the Isles of Heavy Petting, to the dankest reaches of the Dwarven Sphincter Caverns of Mini-Me-Do.

But before victory could be claimed, and peace could descend upon the land like the whispered fall of a hair-faced kakklesprondlepoot, there would be a great many confrontations, and a great many casualties. At The Battle of Rumpleforeskin the Seven Wirbs of Heddle did umbletrant before the quanging rarfs of Drap-Rarf-Ro, and sample the bilious snarl of the Pergrembled Trutch, on the Third Day of Klag-Nub, in the month of Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeper-heep-heeeep..

THE BALLAD OF PLOBBINNG-NANNU
And as the Shadow of Vroom did settle over the land like an ashen lupin, Grandol begat Hrandal, who begat Wort, who begat Nibbis. And The Marching Egills of Piltron did klart their hamblehorns, grunning The Tardy Bwang of Wang Wang Do.

But t'was on the ninth morn that a hollow silence dragged peace in its wake, as the Drells and the Prells did wussle the Honks of Peace. And so, Belmbarg at last did pranty-J his helm - but not before his trusty spickle was milbied into the stuttering, vellied noosh of The Grand Flunt of Jasheroonie, returning once more to the belly of Sulby-Scalb, from whence it first was norbed.

And thus, did Krancy shamble down the tumbles of Droopy Canyon, where the Saspartingtons of Carb did fart themselves raw with brazen shrieks and whoops, in a spoony celebration of Moobis.

SUMMARY: Verily doth tittin skittle its gladis, as Proggus must rise from his pod.
SCORE: 8 Realms out of 10


FROM THE ARCHIVE:
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  • REVIEW: Middle Earth - Shadow of Mordor (Various)
  • FEATURE: How Big is Too Big?

9 Comments
Michael Taylor
9/3/2015 01:27:42 am

Eeerrrg, that was like having The Silmarillion transmitted into my brain via a Blipvert

Reply
Michael Taylor
9/3/2015 07:33:42 am

Actually, I think this needs reading to me whilst I'm strapped into a Vogon Poetry Appreciation Chair.

Reply
Chris link
9/3/2015 05:14:53 am

This is the best review I've ever read, even though I don't know what most of the words mean.

Reply
FEoD link
9/3/2015 05:31:59 am

Are you reading this Jackson? There's at least 2.5 films worth of material in this review...

Reply
Old Red
9/3/2015 09:41:58 am

I'm not 100% positive but I'm pretty sure that someone has been... QUESTING!

Reply
Andy
10/3/2015 05:57:58 am

Is this the time to admit that the last two games I have played were DA:O and DA:2 and I'm now halfway through DA:I? So it's probably fair to say I don't hate them. But I think I agree with the gist of your review, so far as I understand it! There really is a simply unnecessary amount of made up history lying around this world, and I say that as someone who rather likes a bit of world-building.

However? However, I have to say I'm rather enjoying the sheer scale of the world and the freedom to wander round in it. And really, that means that I'm enjoying the excessive outpourings of Bioware's level designers, but castigating the excessive outpourings of their writers. So in conclusion... I'm an illiterate fool who likes pictures more than words?

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Mr Biffo
10/3/2015 11:20:13 am

Well... I admit - not that you'd know it from the "review" - that DA: I finally clicked with me. I hated it with a passion initially, and then I went back to it recently, just... because. I didn't think I'd given it a proper chance. And then it got under my skin. I still struggle with the sheer volume of fantasy guff that they shove down your codpiece... but it's still an absurd achievement.

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Omniresonant link
10/3/2015 09:04:00 am

These were my almost exact thoughts whilst playing DA:I recently. Verily, the lord of the Fnarl himself, "Morlax The Wood", could not have put it more succinctly.

Reply
Deexan
14/3/2015 01:46:45 am

Mage-tickler of The Elder Gelb is my new PSN handle.

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