There’s a weird condition called synaesthesia that makes your brain interpret all the stuff oozing into it in a wronged-up manner – you can see smells, taste colours, hear feelings, and when you drink water it literally turns into gin in your gullet.
“Why I mention this?”, you may grunt.
Because something akin to Bayonetta 2 is probably what someone with synaesthesia would experience if they ate a bin full of rancid habañeros whilst listening to drum & bass in the paint aisle of their local Homebase. It’s so flamboyant it makes Lady Gaga look like a slab of damp tofu.
How preposterous are we talking about? Well, in one bit the protagonist’s dress is slashed off before she fights a load of freakish winged horse/man lumps on top of a jet fighter flying through New York, to the strains of a remix of crooner classic ‘Moon River’. And all that happens in the first 5 minutes.
There’s a story, though good luck following it. It seems to revolve around your sister/fellow witch being dragged off to Hell and you setting out to rescue her. Quite frankly she could have just buggered off to Doncaster and you’d be none the wiser. This isn’t exactly The Last of Us though, so thankfully a cohesive plot doesn’t especially matter.
Remarkably, Nintendo of all people – given the adventures of a foul-mouthed, semi-nude, violent occultist is about as far away from their usual family-friendly fare as it gets – rescued this game from cancellation after repeat-blundering imbeciles (you’ve guessed it) Sega decided they didn’t want it anymore; this, despite the near-universal acclaim the first game scooped up.
And it’s a big filthy smooch on Ninty’s collective, wobbling lips for jumping in and saving it, because it’s bloody brilliant. Absolutely batshit mental, but brilliant nonetheless. It’s a strange sensation literally having no idea what you’re doing or what’s going on, while at the same time feeling in complete control as you shoot/stab ‘thingies’.
As ever, Platinum Games deliver a cracking experience that rewards spot-on timing with your attacks and parries, but this can be (mercifully) dialled down to be less demanding if you don’t happen to have the reflexes of a bluebottle.
You could describe Bayonetta 2 as a linear arcade-action game, but that’s underselling it on par with saying GTA is basically Pac-Man with guns and prostitutes.
Even looking at screenshots will probably make your head hurt because there’s so much going on. In fact, the occasional dodgy texture aside, it’s remarkable the Wii U doesn’t burst into flames given the amount of stuff it’s having to shift about the screen (all looking glorious while doing so) – you’ll usually only go a few minutes at most before another unique, screen-filling boss encounter turns up.
Actually, that more or less sums up the game nicely, so I’ll leave it here – it’s almost all set piece and no filler. It’s the gaming equivalent of fillet steak and chips, where the chips are also made of steak, as is the plate, and the knife and fork, and the waiter, and also your trousers.
Go and gorge yourself until you prolapse, fatty.
OVERALL: 14.7 out of 0.003