DIGITISER
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ

NINTENDO ANNOUNCES "NX" CONSOLE: WHAT DAT?

18/3/2015

4 Comments

 
Picture
No sooner has a new generation of consoles begun to bed-in than Nintendo announces its next generation of hardware. 

The Nintendo NX - likely to be a codename - was announced at a press conference, during which the company at last unveiled plans to develop smartphone games (a deal "intended to complement Nintendo's dedicated video game systems business").

Kotaku reports that Nintendo boss Satoru Iwata had this to trill: "As proof that Nintendo maintains strong enthusiasm for the dedicated game system business let me confirm that Nintendo is currently developing a dedicated game platform with a brand new concept under the development codename 'NX'."

We will. We will let you confirm that, Mr Iwata.

Quite what the "brand new concept" of the NX will be is a matter for speculation... and mild concern. Though the Wii U has at last established itself as a decent machine, it has done so through the strength of its software rather than the hardware. Unlike its predecessor, the U's cumbersome controller has failed to ignite gamers' loins in the way the instinctive waving-around of a Wiimote did.

A "brand new concept" could be a gamble for Nintendo, given the widespread rejection of Microsoft's Xbox One Kinect experiment. While many Nintendo gamers would prefer the company jettison its current strategy of seeking quirky new ways to play games, we say the following: "bring this on". 


Being incredible visionaries, we've projected our minds into the future, and can exclusively reveal the following NX features:

  • The machine is so needlessly huge it has to be stored in a special annex ("NX") of your house.
  • The NX is powered up only when the user can lower their breathing and pulse rate to Nintendo-approved levels.
  • A return to coin-operated gaming, for that authentic arcade experience. NX owners will be required to pre-purchase "Nintendo Cents", and keep the machine running by inserting them in a special slit... without using their hands.
  • Many realistic inflatable wyverns that pop up from the machine's housing, seemingly at random.
  • Games projected directly onto your chest - you will interact with them by thumping and slapping... Even when the machine is switched off, and you're on the bus and so on and so forth etcetera etcetera or whatever.
  • Wyverns... so... many... wyverns.
  • Players will be able to take regular "gaming breaks" by pausing the action, and laying down in a special vinyl sarcophagus. They will be rocked and lulled by the mechanical hand of "Ramsey-67", a hovering android clergyman.  
  • The machine will automatically switch off if the player farts. Please: no fartigans.
  • Mario to be phased out and replaced with a new Nintendo mascot: "NaXio" - a chattering, jabbering, Grecian homunculus. Catchphrase: "NX (an eggs) for me!".
  • WYVERNS.
  • Built-in defibrillator and parmesan foam dispenser.
4 Comments
Bear_of_Justice
18/3/2015 03:31:57 am

These are exactly the features that the game playing community has been crying out for for years; it's good to see the industry finally listening to the consumer.

Reply
lilock3
18/3/2015 03:56:52 am

I'm allergic to wyverns, they cause me to break out in almost seven goosebumps. I hope a special ointment will be provided for people like me.

Reply
Pevin
18/3/2015 04:42:17 am

"The machine will automatically switch off if the player farts. Please: no fartigans."

- Fuck that then, I wouldn't even be able to switch it on for more than a few seconds :(

Reply
Stuart N. Hardy
18/3/2015 08:14:07 am

I cant wait to get a Ramsey-67, it would be so very very calming. And the chest thumping sounds like a brilliant new control interface, proper joypads are so passé - we need more 'innovative' gimmicks!

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    This section will not be visible in live published website. Below are your current settings:


    Current Number Of Columns are = 2

    Expand Posts Area =

    Gap/Space Between Posts = 12px

    Blog Post Style = card

    Use of custom card colors instead of default colors = 1

    Blog Post Card Background Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Shadow Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Border Color = current color

    Publish the website and visit your blog page to see the results

    Picture
    Support Me on Ko-fi
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    RSS Feed Widget
    Picture

    Picture
    Tweets by @mrbiffo
    Picture
    Follow us on The Facebook

    Picture

    Archives

    December 2022
    May 2022
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    July 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014


    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ