NEW BARBIES FOR A NEW GENERATION

29/1/2016

After 50 years of convincing girls that thin is in, Mattel is trying a new approach to Barbie; you'll soon be able to buy the iconic doll in a variety of different body shapes - including 'curvy'. Additionally, Barbie will also be available in a number of new "empowering and imaginative" roles - a spy, president, vice-president, fashionista, and - get this - game developer.

What other Barbies might Mattel be considering in a bid to bring the brand up to date? Digitiser2000 has speculated so that you don't have to.

VLOGGER BARBIE

Now every girl can live out their empowered narcissistic dreams, with Vlogger Barbie. She comes with her own selfie stick, drone, and ghost-written novel. Press the button on her back and she'll complain about all the fans hanging around outside her house, before singing the praises of her sponsors! And don't forget to subscribe, everyone!

INTERNET TROLL BARBIE

Equipped with both laptop and smartphone, Internet Troll Barbie is all set and ready to send abusive messages whenever the urge takes her! Way to feel empowered, girl!

INSTAGRAM BARBIE

Instagram Barbie comes with her own miniature cappuccino - which she'll be able to photograph from almost any angle. And after she's done that - she can call an Uber to take her to the next coffee shop, and check how many likes she got! Empowering!

GENDER NEUTRAL BARBIE

Nobody gets left out with Gender Neutral Barbie - the doll that's for everyone who wants to feel empowered, no matter what they've got going on downstairs!

DEAD BARBIE

All good things must come to an end, and that includes Barbie's life. Dead Barbie comes in her own beautiful presentation coffin, so Ken and her other mostly white friends can pay their respects. Is there anything more empowering than death? NO!

EUROTRAVELLER BARBIE

Planning a trip to Cologne, but worried about asylum seeker sex attacks? Then this is the Barbie for you! Concealed within her body are a number of different blades - suitably for any personal emergency. Plus, pull on her leg and she emits an empowering rape alarm, while pepper spray spurts from her lips. Sponsored by The Daily Mail.

ZERO HOURS CONTRACT BARBIE

Just because you failed your GCSEs doesn't mean you can't get a job - and Zero Hours Contract Barbie proves that! And what's more - she's a working mother; she comes with her 3 year-old daughter, Kelly, who can hide out in the storeroom while Barbie serves customers in an empowered way. Sponsored by The Daily Mail.

RED LIGHT DISTRICT BARBIE

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, and what can be more empowering than selling your body to make ends meet? Red Light District Barbie arrives in her own presentation window so that potential customers can see her.

GENETICALLY MODIFIED BARBIE

The sea levels are rising, and we're all going to have to adapt - even Barbie! This perversion of nature is half thin white girl, half disgusting sea creature. Way empowering!

CHESTBURSTER BARBIE

Swallow the Barbie Eggstm and six hours later a fully-grown Barbie will burst forth from your torso, immediately both killing and empowering you! It's your body - and up to you what you do with it!

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
31 TERRIFYING SIMPSONS COSPLAY ERRORS
21 PHOTOS OF KIDS WHO ARE TERRIFIED OF HALLOWEEN
13 BIZARRE VICTORIAN INVENTIONS

15 Comments

Pomp du la pomp

29/1/2016 01:25:43 pm

To be truly empowered, they need to make a Randi Harper online activist Barbie.

Not sure there's enough plastic in the world though :-\

colincidence link

29/1/2016 02:49:16 pm

Internet Troll Barbie... you're... talking!!

Admiral Spiney O'Sullivan

29/1/2016 02:11:23 pm

I think the question on every gamer's lips is how this will affect the next Barbie Horse Adventures.

lilock3

29/1/2016 03:52:29 pm

It's depressing to think that my childhood was so long ago that it was in a time when the (not real) Chip-Pan Barbie / Fireman Ken double-pack was still considered acceptable and not disempowering to women in any way.

Superbeast 37

30/1/2016 09:08:19 am

To be fully inclusive we need the morbidly obese Barbie.

You have to inject her with insulin, her foot has been amputated and she is half blind (oops ableism! I mean "partially sighted").

She comes with adult dypers cos since the stroke she has issues with control down there.

Naturally she comes with a Brad Pitt lookalike Ken to send a positive message that all female body types are beautiful and desirable.

She also comes with an Royal Marines outfit because women are just as strong as men and she has no trouble lugging 50kg of equipment for 25 miles. That's just her average trip home from the cake shop.

Girl power!

Dirty Barry

30/1/2016 11:32:58 am

+1 megalols

combat_honey

31/1/2016 08:13:05 am

Wasn't aware that there was crossover between Digi readers and mouthbreathing, sexist, 'political correctness gone mad' types. Oh well.

Mr Biffo

31/1/2016 09:01:34 am

:-(

31/1/2016 10:09:55 am

Using "mouth breathing" as an ad hominem pejorative attack is incredibly ableist.

Whilst it is usually caused by nasal obstructions, the pejorative use of the term stems from its prevalence amongst those with Down Syndrome.

Totally uncool move bro :(

31/1/2016 12:57:01 pm

Wasn't aware of the history and connotations of the term. Will try to remember not to use it in the future. Thanks for the info, bro.

As there's no 'edit' function, you'll just have to imagine that my post now refers to you as a "boorish, sexist 'political correctness gone mad' type". Or alternatively, 'cultural libertarian' or 'Breitbart reader'.

31/1/2016 12:59:40 pm

Sorry, Biffo. Wish I hadn't posted that now. I realise you probably want to keep Digi free from this kind of crap, regardless of which side of the argument it's coming from.

31/1/2016 02:01:05 pm

@combat_honey - I was just making a satirical joke about something that is being pushed at the moment through these dolls. It is not "crap" and neither is it "sexist" but actually a serious and *relevant* issue that people should discuss.

There is a growing trend pushed by people on the far fringes of the Left to target children using toys and games in order to drive acceptance of unhealthy life styles. In effect encouraging children to damage their bodies and all in the name of protecting the fee-fees of adults who have already damaged their own.

Curiously, they focus exclusively on younger women as opposed to considering whether unnatural depictions of men in the media/games are behind the current high levels of steroid abuse amongst young men.

Personally I don't believe seeing a muscle-bound character in a game has any influence on whether a young man starts using steroid but the campaigners do believe that such media influences people - so the question has to be asked...... Why do these "campaigners" promote images that kill people instead of opposing images that kill people?

Now obviously with me being such a horrible person (if you seriously believe that) I care nothing for the personal tragedies of others when they suffer serious illness or worse from obesity.

I do care when I play Assassins Creed Syndicate as I did last night and see a totally laughable and unrealistic number of obese people roaming Victorian London. It looked more like New York 2015. Not only are they grossly over-represented for the period, they look grotesque with their arms clipping through their clothes/bodies!

By all means encourage young girls to develop diabetes, god knows I wouldn't want to be sexist and oppose that. But please don't ruin my games! Yes I know - AC takes liberties with history but there is a limit to how much one can suspend disbelief!

31/1/2016 04:32:34 pm

This is your fault, combat honey.

SB37, let's be reasonable, while the extreme fringe of the "fat acceptance" crowd is undeniably dangerous, there is a fair range of healthy but not incredibly athletic body types, and acceptance of those more generally is not a bad thing. And frankly the traditional Barbie proportions are also incredibly unhealthy (for most that physique is physically unachievable without eating disorders or removed organs), so this brings toys for little girls (not games for adults) to a more moderate place.

31/1/2016 06:48:12 pm

Have you seen the "curvy" barbie? The upper arms are still unrealistically thin and don't feature the mini bingo wings that you would expect to see!

The dolls have never been realistically proportioned of course and neither should they be. Not like the spy dolls are anything like a real spy (although they would fit in a duffel bag!) and the game developer doesn't look like someone that works 18 hour days, lives off energy drinks and never gets to see their kids! It is all exaggerated idealistic fantasy.

Makes a mockery of "empowerment" when you present a false fantasy of a career which totally ignores the reality and the real reasons why certain people mostly don't want to go into that field in the first place! Become a game developer, it is just like being an "it girl", honest!

There is no evidence that these toys have ever harmed any kids though anyway. Just a bunch of adults looking for a scapegoat for their own poor life choices.

In that respect they attack adults and kids products alike. In some ways like those hyper competitive parents who try to correct their failures in life by living it through their kids and forcing them to play the piano or do homework in every spare minute of their time. Only far worse in this case! Stealing the magic of childhood and replacing it with grim reality just to make themselves feel better!

Chris

30/1/2016 10:01:08 am

Is it only me who thinks Game Developer Barbie is cute?

NEW BARBIES FOR A NEW GENERATION

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