It was the UK premiere of Star Wars: The Last Jedi yesterday. Did you see the photos? Bruno Tonioli was there. I might be wrong, but I don't for a second believe that Bruno bloody Tonioli is a Star Wars fan. He's not going to appreciate the continuity in The Last Jedi, or have an emotional investment in the characters. Oh, Lucasfilm are always going on about how much they love the fans... but then they invite a bunch of E-list celebs to their premieres.
Why the Hell does he deserve to go to the premiere of a new Star Wars film over people who properly care?
"Because he's a TV personality."
I hate this world.
Look, it's Star Wars week, so you're going to have to indulge me. We've established that I'm obsessed with Star Wars. We've established that Star Wars toys were the only things I ever wanted for Christmas or my birthday as a child. And I've made it abundantly clear that - despite loving Star Wars - I'm not above giving it a kicking.
Therefore, here are the eleven Star Wars toys I consider my favourites... and all the things I found to criticise them about.
Why the Hell does he deserve to go to the premiere of a new Star Wars film over people who properly care?
"Because he's a TV personality."
I hate this world.
Look, it's Star Wars week, so you're going to have to indulge me. We've established that I'm obsessed with Star Wars. We've established that Star Wars toys were the only things I ever wanted for Christmas or my birthday as a child. And I've made it abundantly clear that - despite loving Star Wars - I'm not above giving it a kicking.
Therefore, here are the eleven Star Wars toys I consider my favourites... and all the things I found to criticise them about.
PALITOY DEATH STAR
I always preferred the playsets to the ships. Ships are fine, but the locations are where the story happens - and it was always the story of Star Wars that interested me more than the action, even when I was playing with my toys.
To this day, I think the Death Star was the best thing I have ever owned. Best of all, it was a Palitoy exclusive, meaning that it was never available in America (Kenner made the toys, but the UK's Palitoy had the rights to sell them over here).
America had their own Death Star, courtesy of Kenner - a towering, plastic, cross-section slice of the Death Star that was flashy, but lacked the glorious, 360-degree innovation of Palitoy's beauty. Our one managed to feature everything you needed to recreate the movie action; corridors, control rooms, a gun turret, a deep shaft (hell-oh!) with a mirror at the bottom which made it appear almost infinite - and the trash compactor.
There were two things that I didn't like. Firstly, the docking bay wasn't big enough to fit any ships in. Secondly, I didn't like that there were Stormtroopers printed on the walls. Why were there Stormtroopers printed on the walls? What was the point of that; they didn't do anything. They just stood there. You, presumably, owned Stormtrooper figures, which could be used to populate the Death Star. Having murals of Stormtroopers around the place broke the illusion.
Unless... they were like those fake husbands women can buy to put in their car, so bad men think there's somebody with them.
"Not breaking into that Death Star, Space-John - bloody Stormtroopers everywhere look..."
To this day, I think the Death Star was the best thing I have ever owned. Best of all, it was a Palitoy exclusive, meaning that it was never available in America (Kenner made the toys, but the UK's Palitoy had the rights to sell them over here).
America had their own Death Star, courtesy of Kenner - a towering, plastic, cross-section slice of the Death Star that was flashy, but lacked the glorious, 360-degree innovation of Palitoy's beauty. Our one managed to feature everything you needed to recreate the movie action; corridors, control rooms, a gun turret, a deep shaft (hell-oh!) with a mirror at the bottom which made it appear almost infinite - and the trash compactor.
There were two things that I didn't like. Firstly, the docking bay wasn't big enough to fit any ships in. Secondly, I didn't like that there were Stormtroopers printed on the walls. Why were there Stormtroopers printed on the walls? What was the point of that; they didn't do anything. They just stood there. You, presumably, owned Stormtrooper figures, which could be used to populate the Death Star. Having murals of Stormtroopers around the place broke the illusion.
Unless... they were like those fake husbands women can buy to put in their car, so bad men think there's somebody with them.
"Not breaking into that Death Star, Space-John - bloody Stormtroopers everywhere look..."
LAND OF THE JAWAS
Another cheap and cheerful cardboard set, albeit with a plastic base. The American version of this - I've found out in recent years - came with the escape pod that C-3PO and R2-D2 crashed in. Ever since discovering that fact, I've felt a little cheated.
Also, the base was reused, and coloured white, for a Hoth/AT-AT playset, which I never recall seeing in shops over here. It used the same basic framework as the Sandcrawler, with a lift to raise characters into the vehicle's belly and everything. You know: like when they reused the Ewok village as Sherwood Forest for a Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves playset.
Still, not knowing any of the above, I got a ton of play out of my Sandcrawler. Because I'm a sucker for detail, I especially liked that the base had a line of caterpillar tracks embossed upon it.
Also, the base was reused, and coloured white, for a Hoth/AT-AT playset, which I never recall seeing in shops over here. It used the same basic framework as the Sandcrawler, with a lift to raise characters into the vehicle's belly and everything. You know: like when they reused the Ewok village as Sherwood Forest for a Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves playset.
Still, not knowing any of the above, I got a ton of play out of my Sandcrawler. Because I'm a sucker for detail, I especially liked that the base had a line of caterpillar tracks embossed upon it.
CREATURE CANTINA
Yet more cardboard with printed characters, but this set got a lot of use from me. Printed backdrop aside, the only other downside was a mechanical feature which allowed you to simulate a fight between characters by moving a lever back and forth. It seemed like an unnecessary level of faff; it was far easier to just hold your characters in your hand.
Oh, alright. While we're at it, it also bugged me that Greedo and Han Solo had to have their confrontation standing up. And that there were drinks printed on the tabletop.
Oh, alright. While we're at it, it also bugged me that Greedo and Han Solo had to have their confrontation standing up. And that there were drinks printed on the tabletop.
DAGOBAH
This was some sweeeeeet plastic, despite replicating the fight mechanism from the Creature Cantina, for that weird dream-fight between Luke and Darth Vader. It had a foam swamp and stuff, but - best of all - it came with some packing crates. I was always a sucker for set dressing.
Incidentally, I bought mine in a toy shop in Dornoch, which itself could be a Star Wars planet. Not that I'm saying Scottish people look like aliens, or anything...
Incidentally, I bought mine in a toy shop in Dornoch, which itself could be a Star Wars planet. Not that I'm saying Scottish people look like aliens, or anything...
DARTH VADER'S STAR DESTROYER
This was a mixed bag, but I got a lot of play out of it. It bugged me that the colours didn't really reflect the on-screen ship. Why was the back panel blue instead of grey? Also, why was Darth Vader's meditation pod on the bridge of the Star Destroyer? And why did the "hologram" of The Emperor resemble a plank of swirly, red plastic? Would it have killed them to put a face on it? What's the point of video communication if you can't see the person you're talking to?
Oddly, the instructions referred to The Emperor as "The Grand Vizier".
Oddly, the instructions referred to The Emperor as "The Grand Vizier".
MILLENNIUM FALCON
This was the daddy of the Star Wars line. It was as close to perfect as a toy gets... although... the proportions were a bit off, you could only fit a couple of people in the smuggling compartment, and there was only one gun. What's the deal with the Falcon's guns anyway? The view through the window, and the position of the seat, never lines up with what's happening outside.
Presumably it's something to do with artificial gravity wells, and sci-fi, and that, but... it has always bugged me. Yes, I know - they make it a little clearer in The Force Awakens, but that still raises questions as to at which point the gravity shifts. It seems like a needlessly complicated design.
Anyway. Blame George Lucas for that - not Kenner. Although... couldn't they have made the other half of the ship a playable space? I always wanted a corridor leading to the cockpit.
Presumably it's something to do with artificial gravity wells, and sci-fi, and that, but... it has always bugged me. Yes, I know - they make it a little clearer in The Force Awakens, but that still raises questions as to at which point the gravity shifts. It seems like a needlessly complicated design.
Anyway. Blame George Lucas for that - not Kenner. Although... couldn't they have made the other half of the ship a playable space? I always wanted a corridor leading to the cockpit.
MINI-RIGS
These were pocket-money vehicles inspired by the films, rather than taken directly from them. Upon reflection, they're pretty terrible designs, but one of them had suckers instead of feet, and I used to stick it to the fridge. I played with mine a lot; they were just the right size that they could be used as background props.
I also remember reading Marvel's Star Wars comic and seeing the little tank (the one with the dome), and getting a thrill that it had been legitimised in such a way.
I also remember reading Marvel's Star Wars comic and seeing the little tank (the one with the dome), and getting a thrill that it had been legitimised in such a way.
JABBA THE HUTT
This was a great likeness of Jabba and his throne. One problem, however: the trap door was right beneath Jabba, and the doors opened upwards, flinging into the air any character sat upon them. Why would Jabba sit on a trap door? Surely that's asking for trouble.
TURRET & PROBOT
Kenner knocked it out of the park with their Hoth toys. Fake snow and ice seemed to bring out the best in their designers. I've literally not a single complaint about the Rebel gun turret and robot. Well, maybe one. The Probot - or Probe Droid - could be "detonated" by pressing a switch. That sounds dramatic, but in reality it just sort of lurched into the air, and its legs fell off, like it was having a seizure.
IMPERIAL ATTACK BASE
More Hoth goodness here. The imperial Attack Base, like the Mini-Rigs, was merely inspired by the films, but it was easy to imagine it existing just off-camera during the assault on the Rebels. It had various bits which "exploded", a funny little hut - possibly a portable lavatory (for "space poos") - and a wall-mounted gun that went "click-click-click", just like in the films!
VEHICLE MAINTENANCE ENERGIZER
Everyone's least-appreciated Star Wars toy was perhaps my favourite. The Vehicle Maintenance Energizer was essentially a toolbox-cum-petrol pump that could be glimpsed briefly in the background of the Hoth scenes in The Empire Strikes back. It came with a bunch of tools and a fuel hose, and - for me - it tapped into that thing about Star Wars feeling real.
I've nothing bad to say about this. Not a thing. Except they never made more stuff like this. Probably because nobody bought it.
I've nothing bad to say about this. Not a thing. Except they never made more stuff like this. Probably because nobody bought it.
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