Why the Hell does he deserve to go to the premiere of a new Star Wars film over people who properly care?
"Because he's a TV personality."
I hate this world.
Look, it's Star Wars week, so you're going to have to indulge me. We've established that I'm obsessed with Star Wars. We've established that Star Wars toys were the only things I ever wanted for Christmas or my birthday as a child. And I've made it abundantly clear that - despite loving Star Wars - I'm not above giving it a kicking.
Therefore, here are the eleven Star Wars toys I consider my favourites... and all the things I found to criticise them about.
To this day, I think the Death Star was the best thing I have ever owned. Best of all, it was a Palitoy exclusive, meaning that it was never available in America (Kenner made the toys, but the UK's Palitoy had the rights to sell them over here).
America had their own Death Star, courtesy of Kenner - a towering, plastic, cross-section slice of the Death Star that was flashy, but lacked the glorious, 360-degree innovation of Palitoy's beauty. Our one managed to feature everything you needed to recreate the movie action; corridors, control rooms, a gun turret, a deep shaft (hell-oh!) with a mirror at the bottom which made it appear almost infinite - and the trash compactor.
There were two things that I didn't like. Firstly, the docking bay wasn't big enough to fit any ships in. Secondly, I didn't like that there were Stormtroopers printed on the walls. Why were there Stormtroopers printed on the walls? What was the point of that; they didn't do anything. They just stood there. You, presumably, owned Stormtrooper figures, which could be used to populate the Death Star. Having murals of Stormtroopers around the place broke the illusion.
Unless... they were like those fake husbands women can buy to put in their car, so bad men think there's somebody with them.
"Not breaking into that Death Star, Space-John - bloody Stormtroopers everywhere look..."
Also, the base was reused, and coloured white, for a Hoth/AT-AT playset, which I never recall seeing in shops over here. It used the same basic framework as the Sandcrawler, with a lift to raise characters into the vehicle's belly and everything. You know: like when they reused the Ewok village as Sherwood Forest for a Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves playset.
Still, not knowing any of the above, I got a ton of play out of my Sandcrawler. Because I'm a sucker for detail, I especially liked that the base had a line of caterpillar tracks embossed upon it.
Oh, alright. While we're at it, it also bugged me that Greedo and Han Solo had to have their confrontation standing up. And that there were drinks printed on the tabletop.
Incidentally, I bought mine in a toy shop in Dornoch, which itself could be a Star Wars planet. Not that I'm saying Scottish people look like aliens, or anything...
Oddly, the instructions referred to The Emperor as "The Grand Vizier".
Presumably it's something to do with artificial gravity wells, and sci-fi, and that, but... it has always bugged me. Yes, I know - they make it a little clearer in The Force Awakens, but that still raises questions as to at which point the gravity shifts. It seems like a needlessly complicated design.
Anyway. Blame George Lucas for that - not Kenner. Although... couldn't they have made the other half of the ship a playable space? I always wanted a corridor leading to the cockpit.
I also remember reading Marvel's Star Wars comic and seeing the little tank (the one with the dome), and getting a thrill that it had been legitimised in such a way.
I've nothing bad to say about this. Not a thing. Except they never made more stuff like this. Probably because nobody bought it.
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