Christmas can be a time of anxiety and concern for many of us. At this time of year, we can find ourselves worrying about everything from choosing the perfect present, to the possibility of some kids hanging around our bins.
Fortunately, it doesn't have to be like that, if you plan correctly. As my old A Team partner, Hamble Lecter, use to say - "I love it when a plan draws to a successful conclusion!".
Let me take the festive stress out of your yuletide - with my stress-free guide to having the happiest of holidays.
Get a head start on the Christmas retail rush by starting your Christmas shopping in January. Not only will you save a small fortune by buying in the January sales, but you'll be able to spread your spending throughout the year.
Buying one or two gifts a month will make barely a dent on your wallet, and not leave you impoverished come December.
However, if you DO decide to buy A GIFT for me for SOME reason, I should inform YOU now that I DON'T enjoy or appreciate NOVELTY GIFTS. If you buy ME a FUNNY SWEATER I will not WEAR it. If you buy me a PAIR of comedic READING GLASSES I will SNAP THEM. If you GIVE me a HUMOROUS pair of joke reindeer ANTLERS I will prepare a SMALL fire and BURN THEM in front OF you and OTHERS of your ilk. If you WRAP me a FAKE dog DIRT I will make you EAT a real DOG dirt and the dirt OF a young child. There will BE no RESTRAINT or surrender.
Christmas dinner can dominate Christmas day if you're not sufficiently organised. From preparing the food, to cooking it, to clearing up afterwards, it can take up time you'd rather be spending with your family.
My advice is to cook all of your food 24 hours or more in advance. If you freeze it or refrigerate it, you can then just pop it in the oven or microwave to defrost and heat.
Although, I should warn you THAT if you are EVER invited to MY HOUSE for CHRISTMAS dinner, and you START complaining ABOUT THE WAY that I cook sprouts, because I put LEMON and DRIPPING on them I won't HESITATE to destroy the REST of the food with MY fists, feet and LIMBS.
I will punch APART the turkey. I will KICK the bacon ROLL-UPS against the wall. I will STOMP on the roasts and PARSNIPS and bend all THE cutlery until IT is UNUSABLE. I will TIP over the TABLE and destroy it with A METAL chain.
The average family will generate more rubbish over Christmas than at any other time of year. Fortunately, almost everything about Christmas can be recycled - from leftover food, to wrapping paper, to the tree itself. If you own a bottle of Tippex, you can even recycle your Christmas cards for next year.
Inevitably, though, some items will need to be placed in your refuse bins, so be sure to keep an eye on the bin collection times as outlined by your local authority. These can often be erratic and unpredictable at this time of year, adding to the festive anxiety.
IF like ME you find yourself WITH an OVERFLOWING bin come BOXING DAY be sure to be EXTRA vigilant. This YEAR I will be TRAINING a video camera with AN infra-red SENSOR on my bins during the entirety OF CHRISTMAS Day. If anyone ATTEMPTS to tamper with the contents of MY BINS I will be alerted to the fact. I will GO INTO the airing cupboard AND retrieve my TRIDENT and NET.
I will RUSH from my house and THREATEN THEM. I will CHASE THEM from my BINS and I will terrorise them FOR the next THREE to FOUR days. On the FIFTH day I will retreat. On the subsequent DAY I will return AND engage in a GUERILLA-STYLE assault on the bins of THEIR LOVED ones. I will FILL the bins with CONCRETE.
I will leave them with NO doubt THAT messing with BINS is NOT to be TOLERATED at CHRISTMAS or any OTHER time of year. I repeat ONCE more: STAY away from MY bins.