Dear Mr T,
I'm worried that my son is addicted to video games.
He stays in his bedroom all day, rocking his head from side-to-side in his gaming chair, playing shooting games online with cackling, jabbering, foreigners. I've got nothing against most foreigners (not so keen on the Welsh), I just wish my son wouldn't play games with them.
Who knows what sort of dangerous, radicalised, ideas they're putting into his head? I'm terrified of taking his tea up to him, only to find he's issued a fatwa upon me, or embarked upon an illegal war will our neighbours under some sort of false pretext, in direct contradiction to the will of the United Nations.
Is there any way I can break his addiction?
Pentathlon Hentathalong III
MR T: "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs Hentathalong III, that most young people enjoying the video games these days. Whereas you and I might've spent our days hanging out at music halls, rolling a wooden hoop along the cobbles, and listening to trannies (transistor radios), modern youngsters like all sorts of different things that we couldn't possibly hope to understand.
"When we were young a 'lolly' was a type of frozen confection on a stick. Nowadays, when young people talk about "LOLlies" they're referring to their own amusement, often at the expense of other people on social media, or a picture of a cat stuck in a cardboard tube.
"Nonetheless, I feel I should TELL you that IF your SON ever shows UP at my DOOR and tries to TAKE A SELFIE of me, or starts HUMBLEBRAGGING that he MET me, and I wasn't VERY nice to HIM, I'll be left with little OPTION but to rap my KNUCKLES hard against his COLLAR bone.
"My message TO your son IS this: Mr T does not MAKE idle threats. I will SHATTER his clavicle."
BIRD IS THE WORD
Dear Mr T,
I’m really worried about my pet mynah bird, Hans 2.0. Recently, he stopped repeating things he’d heard, and just started tremoring, sweating and swearing, and stamping his tiny feet on the kitchen floor (where he lives).
I’m concerned he might have something wrong with him, but as I recently blew all on my money on an antique, gem-studded, gauntlet, I don’t have the funds to get him checked out.
Can you help?
MR T: “Relax, Mr Grangehill. I may not be a veterinarian, but in TV’s The A Team I played a different kind of vet – a Vietnam war vet. This makes me perfectly place to assure you that Hans 2.0 is fine. It’s probably perfectly normal for mynah birds to do the things you describe. Just treat it for what it is – something really funny to watch.
“However, if I ever HEAR your bird OUTSIDE my window AT four o’clock in the MORNING, calling me names and CASTING aspersions about me to ALL and sundry, I will have NO choice BUT to thrust MY fist THROUGH the window, and snap HIS beak off.”
Dear Mr T,
I'm researching a book about serial killers, but my library has limited resources on this particular topic. Do you know of anywhere I could discover more?
All the best,
MR T: "Yes, Stefan. My advice would be to use the Internet. Though it comes in from a lot of stick, and can be notoriously unreliable, I find Wikipedia is usually a good starting point for any sort of research project.
"Although, there is something you should know: if your research into this grim and murky topic should EVER consume YOU with the urge TO do a murder YOURSELF, I won't allow you to commit your heinous acts near my recently cultivated crop of legumes.
"In short: slay AWAY from my BEANS."
MORE MR T HERE.