People often ask me which of my many catchphrases is my favourite. That's simple - it's the one that's shouted at me the most often in the street: "I ain't gettin' on no plane, Willis!".
With that in mind, here's a selection of your letters, asking for my assistance in technical matters pertaining to that wonder of the modern age - The Internet.
Dear Mr T,
I recently moved house, and was disappointed to learn that my new road hasn't yet had super fast fibre optic broadband installed. My internet connection is far slower than it used to be. What solution do you recommend?
MR T SAYS: I'm afraid to say you're asking the wrong fellow, Mr D'Bird. I don't have Internet in my house, as I prefer to live "off the grid". From what I gather, all the Internet offers a soul are eggybread recipes and websites advising on the best places to dig for the handsomest ground-gnomes. Nevertheless, should you - or one of your descendants - decide to instigate an email chain letter, asking ALL recipients to BOYCOTT my FUTURE work and PUT boiled hen SKULLS up the EXHAUST of my "hummer", I will have little or no choice BUT to TRACK you down and MAKE you eat several parts OF several bricks.
Dear Mr T,
I recently had wifi installed in my house where I live. It works fine in the living room, where the router has been placed, but the signal loses strength upstairs, and in the back room. Is there a cheap and effective way to boost the wifi so that it works throughout my home?
MR T SAYS: That sounds like a huge annoyance, Mrs Tevens. However, I'm probably the last person you should be asking. In most respects, I live in the technological dark ages. I don't even own a microwave - all my cooking is done on an open spit, in the rear yard! Consequently, should you DECIDE one day to visit my YARD, and spoil MY FOOD by inserting MARBLES beneath the crackling, or by covering it IN damp BLADDERWRACK and rotten FLAGS, you will feel the full extent of my wrath. I will RESPOND in kind my STRAPPING you to the UNDERBELLY of a gelding, and PUSH YOU both over an ESCARPMENT.
Dear Mr T,
I'm trying to decide which of the best music streaming services to go with. I've resisted signing up for Spotify, but I'm tempted by Apple Music, as I'm a loyal Apple customer. Unfortunately, I've read that the sound quality with these services isn't very good. Can you recommend an alternative?
MR T SAYS: Sorry, Mr Beamish. I don't know much about any of the things you talk about. The only music I listen to these days is Musica Universlis - The Music of the Spheres. Admittedly, that isn't music in the traditional sense, but I do find myself curiously soothed by the roaring bongs that results from the movement of the planets and other celestial bodies. Therefore, should I ever FIND you standing on MY front LAWN, near my BINS, bedecked in some OUTLANDISH, sparkly, one-man band OUTFIT, I will be compelled to rush YOU, and deliver not one, but SEVENTEEN sharp fist-jabs to your TEMPLES and perineum. Keep YOUR music TO yourself.