Dear Mr T,
I’m worried that my personal pension fund isn’t worth a dime. I’m paying over £200 a month into the pot, but the estimated payout, when I retire, is less than £3,000 a year. I won’t be able to live on that. What do I do?
MR T: "Don’t worry too much about saving for retirement, Mr Latts. Everybody knows that due to global warming, overpopulation, financial stress, and a worrying proliferation of ridiculous, childlike hipsters, who believe they’re being original with their large, neatly-kept beards, lumberjack shirts, braces, and rolled-up jeans and shiny shoes so forth – as if anyone still thinks Mumford and Sons are something people should aspire to, for pity’s sake – society will have collapsed by the time we reach old age.
"In all likelihood, the world of the future will look a bit like that all-time classic movie – Daleks’ Invasion Earth: 2150AD, except with no Daleks and Robomen, just loads of rubble and bits everywhere. Your sad memories will be the only reminder of how life used to be. You will weep when you remember Tumblr and iCarly. My advice is that you make the most of every day now, before it is too late.
"However, speaking of things being too late… if you EVER get a JOB as a minicab DRIVER, and I call you TO pick me UP TO take me to the SHOPS to buy a SHELF, and you arrive LATE, I will smash MY bejeweled FISTS on THE bonnet of YOUR car.
"Let me be very clear about this: I will DO this to your car repeatedly. REPEATEDLY. Twice."
Dear Mr T,
I spent £500 on two kittens, but after several months they still won’t let me hold them or pet them. In fact, they run away whenever I come close, and only pretend to show interest in me at feeding time. What can I do?
MR T: "Unfortunately, cats need to be handled from a very young age so that they get used to human interaction. It is also common knowledge that cats are the least friendly and most awful of all the animals, so I’m afraid you’ve made a terrible mistake in buying them, Mr Pickliss. Your cats literally hate you. They can't do a lot about that. It's just their unfriendly nature, sadly.
"However, if I ever see YOUR cats in my GARDEN, putting THEIR foul scent ON my GNOMES, or trilling to ATTRACT a mate, I’ll have no CHOICE but to sweep them UP in a SPECIAL sort OF custom cat-net and DRAG them OFF TO BE spayed and DESTROYED. With Mr T’s ULTIMATE weapon: A really cross dog IN a bucket, with a scary face DRAWN on the bucket, on the END of a long pole.
"Know you this: I have YET to name this WEAPON."
Dear Mr T,
For the past few months I’ve been suffering from a recurring mouth ulcer, inside my left cheek. What do you think might be causing it? I recently became a vegan, so might it be some sort of vitamin deficiency?
Lottie Rees (Mrs)
MR T: "I’m afraid that I wouldn’t like to hazard a guess as to the source of your oral discomfort, Mrs Rees. Typically, a mouth ulcer is caused by damage to the lining of your mouth, although the actual cause could be anything from stress and anxiety to a viral infection. My advice is that you should see a doctor or dental hygienist.
"Regardless of what’s behind it, I should WARN you that if you ever suffer some sort of bewildering “VEGAN MANIA” and DECIDE to strip OFF and SUDDENLY COME AT me in THE street with some SORT of sharpened implement, and START jabbing it towards MY mouth WITH THE intention of making an ULCER happen in my MOUTH, I will have NO choice but to KNOCK YOU in the throat WITH my POWERFUL elbow. Do not DOUBT me. This is NO empty threat: I will END your vegan DIET there and then.
"Try EATING your quinoa without A pharynx, you grotesque NUMPTY."
Dear Mr T,
My 15 year-old son, Trellis, has racked up a massive mobile phone bill trying to win the competition on The Gadget Show. I’ve tried punishing him by threatening to take his phone away from him, but he doesn’t seem to care. He just looks at me, and says “I don’t care” in this really annoying voice.
Do you have any advice? Thanks in advance,
MR T: "I feel your pain. My son, 'Mr t' (lower case), once spent £413.47 watching a scatological comedy show on the BBC iPlayer while we were vacationing in the Algarve. My advice to you is to do exactly what I did to my son – take his phone away immediately, and force him to get a Saturday job to pay back the bill. Do not return the phone until he has paid off the entire debt. Children and teenagers respond to boundaries. You’re his mother, not his best friend, and that’s the best piece of advice I could ever give.
"The best piece of advice… bar one.
"If YOUR SON is one of the SHOUTING little jerk-a-holes WHO kept me awake last night by riding one of those LITTLE MOTORCYCLES, like the ones a small clown rides, around the GREEN outside my house, and who then KNOCKED OVER my bins – DELIBERATELY – when I told them to GO HOME, then I refuse to BE held accountable for WHAT I will do if THEY COME back again tonight.
"I have a BOX of old HORNBY 00 gauge model railway accessories in my LOFT. I will gather up the TINY houses. I will gather the railway tracks, and the little people. I will CRUSH THEM into A ball. I will attach a string to this ball of model RAILWAY detritus and - whup whup whup! - whirl IT around my head. I will LOVE the sound it makes, as I approach your son and HIS friends. Then I will SWING it AGAINST the scalps of your SON and the OTHERS if he IS the one responsible for waking ME up.
"GIVE him this message from me AND make SURE he listens: STAY AWAY from MY BINS."