Suffice to say, with so many different policies and charisma-levels to consider, choosing which candidate to vote for can get one into a terrible pickle.
This is why I've decided to fling open the curtains of my problem pages to issues of a political nature. Stick with me, and I'll hopefully steer you in the direction of the appropriate candidate. Now bring on the electoral dysfunction!
Dear Mr T,
I am a single mother of two young children. I work part-time in an accordion factory, but child care is so expensive that I sometimes think it's not worth my time going out to work. If I were to stop working, which political party would best take care of me and my children?
MR T SAYS: Between you and me, Ms Skeleton, I've not really studied the parties' policies enough to give you an informed opinion on your particular needs. However, if you are EVER given A free accordion as a BENEFIT of your job, and YOU move in NEXT DOOR to me, and play YOUR wretched, so-called "concord of sounds" throughout the night, I will have no other recourse than to BREAK INTO your home, use my teeth to SLICE OPEN the bellows OF your INSTRUMENT, startle YOUR offspring with a display of primal stamping and GRUNTING, and give you ALL a PIECE of my MIND."
Dear Mr T,
I voted for Scottish independence in the recent referendum, but I'm considering voting for Labour in the election, as I think they'll do a better job economically for the entire union. Am I making a mistake and being disloyal to my country?
Hamish McMccccccc Jnr
MR T SAYS: In all honesty, Mr McMcccccc Jnr, I'm probably the wrong person to ask. I've only ever been to Scotland once, on an unscheduled layover, and there was a strange smell in the airport. But while I have your attention, I feel I should inform you that if you EVER visit LOCH Ness and decide to lure the MONSTER out of the water, train it to PERFORM a mocking DANCE, ferry it DOWN to my HOME on the back of the TRUCK, and then ENCOURAGE it to enact its MOCKERY on my FRONT LAWN, I swear that I shall NOT hesitate TO remove THE BEAST'S head by leaping UPON IT from my bedroom WINDOW, gripping its SKULL between my KNEES, and twisting as HARD as I can.
Dear Mr T,
I have been a lifelong Labour voter, but given how strange and bewildered Ed Miliband seems most of the time, and the pig's ear Labour made of the economy last time, I'm actually considering voting Conservative in the election. Alright, they're a bunch of toffs with loads of mates in The City, and probably wouldn't vomit on me if I was on fire, but I'd rather them looking after the economy than some weirdo. Am I making a mistake - are the Tories really the best of a bad bunch?
MR T SAYS: Goodness, Mr Jawges... you really seem quite passionate about this - and who can blame you? This decision will affect everyone in the country for years to come! Unfortunately, I don't know the first thing about the economy, and anything I say will be pure guesswork. That said, if your choice at THE polls in SOME WAY leads to a REDUCED wheelie bin collection SCHEDULE on my STREET, I shall hold YOU PERSONALLY responsible. I shall discover WHERE you live, conceal myself IN a bush, wait until you pass by, then JERK MY ARMS out to briefly grasp your ANKLES. This will BE BUT a warning. If you DO NOT campaign for increased in BIN collection funding, I will repeat this gesture again and again, grasping harder EACH AND every TIME. Do not THREATEN my bins.