The gulf between really great retro game cover art and really bad retro game cover art never ceases to stagger me. I get that it was a different time, and that any arse who got a ZX Spectrum for Christmas could program and release a game, but man... it was pretty clear that possessing basic programming skills rarely went hand-in-hand with even rudimental graphic design ability.
Because it's always fun, here's a quick trawl through some more of the Spectrum's most graphic atrocities.
Because it's always fun, here's a quick trawl through some more of the Spectrum's most graphic atrocities.
BLOODY
The biggest issue with this for me - aside from the questions raised by the weird collision of elements including a demonic cat, a syringe, narcotics, and what appears to be a pom-pom - is how the green ninja feller/surgeon on the right looks more like a Muppet, with one of said pill capsules about to enter his wide-open gob.
Also, how edgy it must have been in the 80s to call a game "bloody". I remember getting into trouble once for "swearing", after I called my dad a "pillock"...
Also, how edgy it must have been in the 80s to call a game "bloody". I remember getting into trouble once for "swearing", after I called my dad a "pillock"...
FUNKY PUNKY
There's little funky or punky about this image (unless you take into account the game's loading screen, which immediately re-branded the game as "Fanky Punky"). What I find most intriguing, however, is that the artist was sufficiently proud of unappealing work to sign his name to it.
BOGIE'S SUPER!! PICK
Get it? Bogie? Pick? Yes, that's precisely the mental association you desire when you're choosing what to splash your pocket money on.
The Spectrum produced many gaming icons in its time; Horace, Miner Willy, Sabreman. Missing from their numbers is "Bogie", a character created to front a series of "Super!!" value pack anthologies. One must wonder whether Bogie is his birth name, a nickname foisted upon him, or one he has chosen for himself.
Like the boy I went to school with who would only answer to the regrettable sobriquet "Mongy".
The Spectrum produced many gaming icons in its time; Horace, Miner Willy, Sabreman. Missing from their numbers is "Bogie", a character created to front a series of "Super!!" value pack anthologies. One must wonder whether Bogie is his birth name, a nickname foisted upon him, or one he has chosen for himself.
Like the boy I went to school with who would only answer to the regrettable sobriquet "Mongy".
THE GOLDEN BATON
Well, it's just half-arsed isn't it? Somebody presumably got the job of illustrating the cover for The Golden Baton because they'd gotten an airbrush for Christmas, and thought that made them Da Vinci.
Not as easy as you thought it'd be was it?
Not as easy as you thought it'd be was it?
PIT FALL II
Pitfall II, starring an undead zombie Indiana Jones. To be fair to him, at least he put on his best shirt before going rummaging around in tombs. Also: he looks like he's realised - and not a moment too soon - that he was about to tread in some dog dirt.
THE WAY OF THE EXPLODING FIST
Considered a classic of a game, the cover art for The Way Of The Exploding Fist always disturbed me. Aside from the terrible use of forced perspective, there was something about the character's horrible thumbnail and heavily-plucked eyebrows which kept me awake at night.
ERIC & THE FLOATERS
It isn't the worst cover ever, but please... you don't call your game "Eric & The Floaters". You just don't. Unless you want conjure vivid images of stubbornly buoyant turds.
THE ASTONISHING ADVENTURES OF MR WEEMS AND THE SHE VAMPIRES
Aside from lacking any sort of dynamism, this cover raises many issues - not least certain gravity-defying attributes sported by the She Vampires, and the fact that one of them is stepping out of (or possibly over) a child's coffin. Grim.
HEADSTART
If you have a child who takes art for GCSE, and you've ever been "fortunate" to attend a school art show, this is the level of work you'll see. Interestingly, at one of my step-daughters' recent school art shows, I was alarmed by the depressing presence of alt-right icon Pepe The Frog on a collage which also included Captain America, Doctor Who, the Fortnite logo, and an iPhone.
A desolate insight into the 21st Century pubescent mind.
A desolate insight into the 21st Century pubescent mind.
SWORDFIGHT
It could be worse, but also... that's only once you realise that the guy in the foreground is meant to be reeling from a sword slash, and isn't caught in some manner of ecstatic reverie. Also: further unnecessary use of an airbrush has resulted in the combatants sporting Tron-esque neon duelling garb.
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