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MORE DREADFUL ZX SPECTRUM COVER ART

7/11/2018

21 Comments

 
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The gulf between really great retro game cover art and really bad retro game cover art never ceases to stagger me. I get that it was a different time, and that any arse who got a ZX Spectrum for Christmas could program and release a game, but man... it was pretty clear that possessing basic programming skills rarely went hand-in-hand with even rudimental graphic design ability. 

Because it's always fun, here's a quick trawl through some more of the Spectrum's most graphic atrocities.
BLOODY
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The biggest issue with this for me - aside from the questions raised by the weird collision of elements including a demonic cat, a syringe, narcotics, and what appears to be a pom-pom - is how the green ninja feller/surgeon on the right looks more like a Muppet, with one of said pill capsules about to enter his wide-open gob.

Also, how edgy it must have been in the 80s to call a game "bloody". I remember getting into trouble once for "swearing", after I called my dad a "pillock"...
FUNKY PUNKY
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There's little funky or punky about this image (unless you take into account the game's loading screen, which immediately re-branded the game as "Fanky Punky"). What I find most intriguing, however, is that the artist was sufficiently proud of unappealing work to sign his name to it.
BOGIE'S SUPER!! PICK
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Get it? Bogie? Pick? Yes, that's precisely the mental association you desire when you're choosing what to splash your pocket money on. 

The Spectrum produced many gaming icons in its time; Horace, Miner Willy, Sabreman. Missing from their numbers is "Bogie", a character created to front a series of "Super!!" value pack anthologies. One must wonder whether Bogie is his birth name, a nickname foisted upon him, or one he has chosen for himself.

​Like the boy I went to school with who would only answer to the regrettable sobriquet "Mongy".
THE GOLDEN BATON
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Well, it's just half-arsed isn't it? Somebody presumably got the job of illustrating the cover for The Golden Baton because they'd gotten an airbrush for Christmas, and thought that made them Da Vinci.

Not as easy as you thought it'd be was it?
PIT FALL II
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Pitfall II, starring an undead zombie Indiana Jones. To be fair to him, at least he put on his best shirt before going rummaging around in tombs. Also: he looks like he's realised - and not a moment too soon - that he was about to tread in some dog dirt.
THE WAY OF THE EXPLODING FIST
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Considered a classic of a game, the cover art for The Way Of The Exploding Fist always disturbed me. Aside from the terrible use of forced perspective, there was something about the character's horrible thumbnail and heavily-plucked eyebrows which kept me awake at night.
ERIC & THE FLOATERS 
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It isn't the worst cover ever, but please... you don't call your game "Eric & The Floaters". You just don't. Unless you want conjure vivid images of stubbornly buoyant turds.
THE ASTONISHING ADVENTURES OF MR WEEMS AND THE SHE VAMPIRES
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Aside from lacking any sort of dynamism, this cover raises many issues - not least certain gravity-defying attributes sported by the She Vampires, and the fact that one of them is stepping out of (or possibly over) a child's coffin. Grim.
HEADSTART
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If you have a child who takes art for GCSE, and you've ever been "fortunate" to attend a school art show, this is the level of work you'll see. Interestingly, at one of my step-daughters' recent school art shows, I was alarmed by the depressing presence of alt-right icon Pepe The Frog on a collage which also included Captain America, Doctor Who, the Fortnite logo, and an iPhone. 

A desolate insight into the 21st Century pubescent mind. 
SWORDFIGHT
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It could be worse, but also... that's only once you realise that the guy in the foreground is meant to be reeling from a sword slash, and isn't caught in some manner of ecstatic reverie. Also: further unnecessary use of an airbrush has resulted in the combatants sporting Tron-esque neon duelling garb.
21 Comments
Ste Pickford
7/11/2018 09:50:59 am

The Funky Punky cover art is signed Michel Ancel. The creator of Rayman.

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PixelGuff
7/11/2018 10:00:58 am

Oh, God. It is as well.

Reply
Jim Leighton (Future World Darts Champion) x
7/11/2018 10:24:23 am

How do you know this?

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John Pickford
7/11/2018 10:43:05 am

He wrote his name at the bottom.

Mr Biffo
7/11/2018 12:40:21 pm

Well, that's something...

Spiney O'Sullivan
7/11/2018 08:09:05 pm

A career spanning from Funky Punky to Sweary Monkey.

Reply
Meg
7/11/2018 10:59:51 am

How do the She vampies put their clothes on? When I saw Swordfight I thought the ight hand guy was a glove puppet

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Chomboss Wankuss
7/11/2018 12:36:34 pm

I wonder how much “Jeoffrey” Thompson, the World Karate Champion, got paid for that quote on WOTEF? And I wonder how many extra games were sold on the basis of that endorsement? These things fascinate me.

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Simon C
7/11/2018 01:05:05 pm

Those two heads have a bit of a Michael Portillo, having been horribly experimented upon vibe

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Wagoo link
8/11/2018 03:07:05 am

MrPSB has exclusive rights to experiment on Michael Portillo these days!

GgGGGgG-GgGGGgG-GgGGGgG-GgGGGgG-GgGGGgG

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Dr. Budd Buttocks, MD
7/11/2018 02:22:23 pm

I always quite liked the Exploding Fist box art when I was little, but I took the title literally and was confused that his fist didn't actually explode.

I later got the C16 version of it (after playing it on a friend's Speccy). It was pathetic and I was so upset by how bad it was that I literally cried. I sometimes wish I felt that invested in games nowadays, when most of them are relatively incredible.

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Marro
7/11/2018 10:56:35 pm

I was thinking the same playing Red Dead 2 - I'm playing the kind of game I would fantasise about when I was a kid, yet I feel only vague acknowledgement of how much detail the Rockstar sweatshops have crammed in and I have to force myself to stay interested.
Nothing at all compared to the absolute joy and total excitement I would feel after finally getting to the next level of some dumb platform game or whatever in the 80s or 90s.
I remember nearly 30 years ago staying up all night playing The Secret of Monkey Island and just before dawn I completed Melee Island and reached Monkey Island itself- that was one of the best moments of my childhood.

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Omniro
7/11/2018 02:48:26 pm

I’d like to know what else karate champion “Jeoffry Thompson” had to say about Explodong Fist.

When presented with the game, did he simply utter the words “Beat this” and then fall silent?

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B3tan_tyronne
7/11/2018 04:38:29 pm

As much as the covers are utter tripe, I actually miss those days as that was when I was buying games weekly, since going digital with practically all of my gaming purchases, cover art for me has gone the way of the dodo and gaming magazines.

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Matty
7/11/2018 05:37:34 pm

Are we sure the guy who's been cut on the face in the Sword Fight cover art definitely *isn't* "caught in some manner of ecstatic reverie"?

He could be wanking like a champion down there "Ooh, cut me some more!"

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Dr. Budd Buttocks, MD
7/11/2018 07:41:18 pm

I think we all know what kind of sword fight it's referring to.

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Mark
7/11/2018 07:17:20 pm

Way of the exploding fist is a classic on the c64 at least but the guy is Ash from the evil dead when he briefly gets possessed

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Robobob
7/11/2018 07:55:44 pm

Is there genuinely a less appealing game name than "Eric & the Floaters"? I mean, Jesus.

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Leigh L.
7/11/2018 08:19:43 pm

Eric & the Floaters = Bomberman: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bomberman_(1983_video_game)

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Marro
7/11/2018 10:26:23 pm

If it's based on Eric Bristow battling to reduce his post-match foulage to u-bend capable nuggets with an oversize plunger then it's a tentative "yes" from me.

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
9/11/2018 05:40:44 pm

Perhaps it’s a game where you can’t see properly due to strands of collagen floating in your eye’s vitreous humor? Hence he’s just going back into a doorway next to one he came out of.

Reply



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