"Good day to you, sir or madam (I'm not a sexist). My name is Solid Snake, or Big Boss, or Ahab, or... I dunno. I JUST DON'T KNOW. I'm as confused as the rest of you, and I'm actually him.
"Basically, I'm that guy who is in all the Metal Gear Solid games who has the eyepatch, and the cardboard box, who likes doing hiding and stealth and that. In fact... you could say 'Stealth is my middle name'...! But that would be a lie (my middle name is Stool, unfortunately).
"I, like many of you, am aware that we recently passed the Autumn Equinox, talking us into the season that Americans like to call 'The Fall'. Consequently, you're no doubt going to be attending a harvest festival of some sort of in the coming weeks.
"Therefore, it's around this time of year people often come up to me in the supermarket or sauna and say 'Hello, Snake. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is James Richardson, and I have a question for you - how can I do stealth at a harvest festival, Snake? Please tell me, Snake. Yours sincerely, James Richardson (Mrs)'.
"Well, I'm so sick of that happening that I've put together this handy guide. Read this and there'll be no excuse for not hiding at a Harvest Festival! LOL! I have terrible depth perception."
"Basically, I'm that guy who is in all the Metal Gear Solid games who has the eyepatch, and the cardboard box, who likes doing hiding and stealth and that. In fact... you could say 'Stealth is my middle name'...! But that would be a lie (my middle name is Stool, unfortunately).
"I, like many of you, am aware that we recently passed the Autumn Equinox, talking us into the season that Americans like to call 'The Fall'. Consequently, you're no doubt going to be attending a harvest festival of some sort of in the coming weeks.
"Therefore, it's around this time of year people often come up to me in the supermarket or sauna and say 'Hello, Snake. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is James Richardson, and I have a question for you - how can I do stealth at a harvest festival, Snake? Please tell me, Snake. Yours sincerely, James Richardson (Mrs)'.
"Well, I'm so sick of that happening that I've put together this handy guide. Read this and there'll be no excuse for not hiding at a Harvest Festival! LOL! I have terrible depth perception."
SCENARIO 1
"Hey: check it out. There's a whole bunch of cardboard boxes there. Hello, old friends! So, can you guess where I'm gonna hide? WRONG. I'm gonna stretch my arms out wide, and hide behind that crucifix. It's all about the stealth, 'bout the stealth, no trouble! Love that song."
SCENARIO 2
"Doesn't look like there are many hiding places here does it? WRONG. I can immediately see at least one... three... nine hiding places. But which would I choose if I was being hunted by some tough army guys, or just felt like being rather stealthy for a bit? I'll tell you where: I'd put some of those flowers on my face, and lay on the floor pretending to be a vase. It's called camouflage. You might've heard of it. FML!"
SCENARIO 3
"So, you think hiding in a bale of hay is the way to go, huh? Who do you think I am - that guy out of Assassin's Creed, or some kinda haylord? There's only one discovery-proof way of hiding in this picture - and that's by somehow crawling inside one of those aubergine-marrow things, and staying in there until the coast is clear. They're courgettes? I dunno what they are. I'm a super stealth guy - not a greengrocer. If I'd wanted to be a greengrocer I'd have gone to vegetable school."
SCENARIO 4
"Hiding in plain sight on a high school stage might not seem like the best place to do some stealth, but you'd be surprised how people can miss things that are right in front of their face. One time, I had a pigeon flapping mere inches front of my nose for about four hours, and only noticed when Revolver Ocelot pointed it out to me. So, if I had to do some stealth in this scene I'd probably turn myself into a tin of beans, using some cool magic an' ting."
SCENARIO 5
"Hmm. This is a tricky one... PSYCHE! It isn't tricky at all! I'd just hide behind that weird loaf of bread object, and if anyone came over and asked me what I was doing, I'd bop them on the nose! LOL! Ha ha ha!"
SCENARIO 6
"You'd be surprised how difficult it is to hide in a situation that's full of pumpkins... so if I was there I'd take the only option open to me: remove myself from the field of conflict, by booking the first available flight to somewhere like Malta, or... one of those countries - basically, somewhere with lots of hiding places. Then they'd never find me! They'd be all like 'Where's Snake? Is he in the pumpkins?'. No - I'm in Malta, you loser!".
SCENARIO 7
"See all those kids? If I was there I wouldn't even bother doing stealth. I'd just strut up and down in front of them, asking how cool they thought I looked. Kids love it when cool guys like me show off in front of them - and I'd perform of my super-skill moves, like the roly-poly, and backwards roly-poly. And I wouldn't stop doing it until the kids applauded and chanted my name. Wicked!"
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