"Whooop-whooooop-whop-whop-a-whoaaaa!!!!?!!
"E3 time is here again - or as I like to call it: Going into your parents' wardrobe and trying to find what you're going to be getting for Christmas time!!!!!?!!!!!!! But nooo... ooooohhhhh noooo... noooooooo!!!!!! Why have your parents bought you so many stained leather restraints and whips and a big rubber strap-on for Christmas!!!!!?!?!?!"
"This year's E3 has kicked off with Microsoft's very own big rubber strap-on - Phil Spencer - giving the traditional Microsoft Xbox presentation... and it was stuffed with more treats than a feeder's handbag!!!!!?!!!!!
"Let's use our eyes to take a regal glance at everything Microsoft has got going on!!!!!!!!? It's gonna be epiiiiiiic, brah!!!!!!"
"E3 time is here again - or as I like to call it: Going into your parents' wardrobe and trying to find what you're going to be getting for Christmas time!!!!!?!!!!!!! But nooo... ooooohhhhh noooo... noooooooo!!!!!! Why have your parents bought you so many stained leather restraints and whips and a big rubber strap-on for Christmas!!!!!?!?!?!"
"This year's E3 has kicked off with Microsoft's very own big rubber strap-on - Phil Spencer - giving the traditional Microsoft Xbox presentation... and it was stuffed with more treats than a feeder's handbag!!!!!?!!!!!
"Let's use our eyes to take a regal glance at everything Microsoft has got going on!!!!!!!!? It's gonna be epiiiiiiic, brah!!!!!!"
HALO
"Holy moly - he's bacccccck!!!?? (He = Master Chief: the most charismatic and interesting games character of all time)!!!?? I didn't see this one coming!!!!! It's a new Halo game, this one will surely be actually good!!!!!? It looks SO different!!!!!!! I can't wait to find out how the incredibly compelling Halo story continues!!!!!? And it's amazing how they've captured the essence of the original Halo with those slightly underwhelming graphics!!!!? But wait... it's a new-type Halo experience? Everybody say it with me: online battle royaaaaaaale!!!!!!!!!!!"
A GAME SET IN A FUTURE CITY
"Woahaaaaaaaaa-wwheeeeeee!!!??! It's a game set in a sort of neon futuristic cyberpunk city with hacking and stufff!!!!!!?!? Never seen that in a game before!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!!!!! This is gonna be masssiiiiiiiiiiveeeeeeee!!! I can't wait to drive around and shoot things and give my character a cybernetic upgrade and do hacking - I've never done any of that in a game beeeforrrree!!!!!!??!!"
SOME STUPID PLATFORM GAME
"Oh, excuse me - I didn't realise it was still 1996!!!!!???!!!! This doesn't look very good at all. Where are the guns? Where's the blood? Where's the big, long, cut-scene which doesn't show us any actual gameplay?!?! If I wanted to see a glowing ponce fannying around in a forest I'd daub my torso with fluorescent paint and head down to the woods!!!!!!? Rest assured, I shan't be playing this rubbish!!!!!!!!!???!!!!!!!"
DRIVING
"OH YES!!!!? Bring it on!!!!!? Realistic seasons you say???!!!!??!!!! Even more realistic weather and dirt on your cars!!!!?!!!!! And it's set in Britain???!!!!!!!!! Brexit??! More like BRRRRRRRM-xit!!!!!!!??!!"
BUCKET NECKS
"Yes! Yes! Yes!!!!!!? It's time once again for more of the uber-cool future war action we all love, and this looks like it's gonna be... hang on a moment??!!!!? What's going on?!?!?! You play A WOMAN in this game!!!!!!??? And she doesn't have a bucket neck or a giant head!!!!?!?!?!?!? What sort of sick SJW joke is this?!!!!!???!?! Gears of War??????!!!! More like CUCKS of War!!!!!!!??!?!?!!!!!!"
FALLOUT BATTLE ROYALE
"How many times can you make a game where a character emerges from an underground fallout vault into a post-apocalyptic alternate universe America???!!!!??! Answer: for as long as it continues to be profiableeeeeeE!!!!!!???? Please stand by... for OVER-FAMILIAR AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!?!"
47 OTHER GAMES SET IN A POST-APOCALYPTIC WILDERNESS
"What do you do when you've spent two months trying to finish one post-apocalyptic action game?!? Move onto all the other post-apocalyptic action games!!!!!!!?!!!!!! And thanks to the power of the Xbox One - these feature even more realistic weather and dirt on the zombies!!!!!?"
ANIME THING WITH TERRIBLE DIALOGUE
"This is the sweetest thing I've ever seeeeeeen!!!!!?!!!!! I dunno what's going on, but it looks like a movie!!!!!?!!!!!! The dialogue is the best dialogue I've ever heard in a game!!!!!?!!!!! It's sooooooooo awesome!!!!!!?!!! And cooooooooolllll???!?!?!!!!!!!! Whoop-whoop-whooop!!!!!??"
LOADS OF INDIE GAMES
"Holy mackerel!!!!!!?!!!! These games were fired at my face so fast that I had an epileptic fit!!!!!!? It was almost like Microsoft couldn't wait to get through them, just so they could say they had 50 games on show!!!!!!!?!!!! And why shouldn't they do that?!? Why waste time promoting a load of interesting-looking indie games, when there are games with future people wearing space armour shooting post-apocalyptic monsters to get through!?!?!!!!! It's just giving gamers what they really want!!!!!!!!!?!!!"
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