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MANY THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOU COULD DO WITH POKEMON GO!

11/7/2016

11 Comments

 
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Nintendo's smartphone gamble looks as if it might already be paying off.

Its second app for tell-o-phones, Pokemon Go, was released last week in the USA, Australia and New Zealand, and already has the makings of a phenomenon. Such was the response to the game that Nintendo's shares have soared, the company's servers are collapsing under the weight, and the clamour is so immense that Nintendo has had to postpone the game's UK launch until it is better equipped to meet demand.

Although, it's still fairly easy to get it in the UK, if you know a man...

The game uses augmented reality to encourage players to explore their real-world surroundings, visiting local landmarks to capture Pokemon by flinging Pokeballs at their stupid faces. Captured Pokemon can then be rolled up, stuffed inside a picnic egg, and lobbed at a tramp (made to fight rival Pokemon at "Pokegyms"). 

But that's not all you can do with Pokemon Go! Here be some more (things).
VISIT A FALLOPIAN TUBE-SHAPED PLAY AREA!
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Players are reporting that some of the Pokestops they've been asked to visit are a trifle strange. They include funeral parlours, strip clubs, "weird sheds", a memorial to "Victims of Abortions", another to "The Victims of the Yellow Fever Epidemic of 1855", and The Church of Scientology. 

You know: where Tom Croods lives.
HAVE SEXXUS!
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Within its first weekend, Pokemon Go has already eclipsed the number of users on tawdry 21st Century hook-up app Tinder, and may soon topple it as the number one rude-me-do product in all the land. A number of users are also reporting that the game is helping them to meet strangers for the popular activity known as "sex".
GET ROBBED AT GUNPOINT!
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In its first week, the first Pokemon Go-related crime has already happened. A group of suspected teenage robbers were arrested in Missouri over the weekend, accused of luring potential victims into a gun-based theft-o-trap via the app.

Speaking to The Guardian, Sergeant Bill Stringer (ha ha), of O'Fallon PD, Missouri, honked:  "Using the geolocation feature, the robbers were able to anticipate the location and level of seclusion of unwitting victims.”

Alternatively, if you don't like being robbed - perhaps you might like to do some of the robbing yourself? It sounds pretty easy with Pokemon Go!
FIND DEAD BODIES!
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Get this: a Wyoming woman found a dead body in a stream, while trying to capture a water-type Pokemon. 

"I was walking towards the bridge along the shore when I saw something in the water," she told County 10 news. "I had to take a second look and I realised it was a body."

​Even more bizarrely, a Pokemon Go-streaming Uber driver claimed to have "just witnessed a fackin' murder" when he alleged to have seen a rotter (corpse) being thrown out of a car.
INJURE YO'SELF!
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Among the injuries reported by Pokemon Go players thus far include hospitalisation for "sliding down a ditch", along with assorted grazes and scrapes. A New York skateboarder suffered a hand injury after tripping over a "big crack" while staring at the app - blaming himself for trundling along too slowly.

"I just wanted to be able to stop quickly if there were any Pokemons nearby to catch," he cried to a local news channel.

Nintendo had anticipated such happenings, warning: "Pay attention to your surroundings; you never know what beautiful or interesting things you'll see while playing the game."
DIE IN A CAR ACCIDENT!
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Anyone who's ever driven a car has nearly died while texting and driving, right? Yeah, great fun, yeah? Exciting. Twitter users are already reporting that they have been involved in, or caused, Pokemon Go-related accidents.

However, one story doing the rounds about a Pokemon Go-caused multiple pile-up has turned out to be a bad fake.
BE ABDUCTED BY A DIRTY MAN!
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Inevitably, it is left to that bastion of level-headedness The Daily Mail to warn us of the real dangers of Pokemon Go: that it could lure our children into some sort of paedo-snare... asking "Is this the world's most dangerous game?"

An NSPCC spokesman told the paper: "Given its massive popularity with children it’s worrying that this game appears susceptible to being hijacked by those who may wish to harm them.

"When creating these games companies must consider the potential risks to young users and do everything they can to make sure their app doesn’t put them in danger." 
WRITE ARTICLE AFTER ARTICLE ABOUT IT - FOR THE CLICKZ!
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11 Comments
Spiney O'Sullivan
11/7/2016 11:38:58 pm

It always struck me as odd that parents in the Pokémon world just let their 10-year-olds go wandering about a whole country filled with wild animals while a Team Rocket crime wave swept the nation.

Anyway, this app represents a certain naive optimism from Nintendo that's a little charming in a way. Like they genuinely couldn't see how this could cause a lot of trouble. Though it does look fun...

Reply
Da5e
12/7/2016 10:00:51 am

Niantic appear to have just imported the portal location data from Ingress for their Pokey-gyms (several locations at my workplace have the same ancient pictures, innit.)

I used to play a lot of Ingress in Salford, and a lot of the portals were in places that I wouldn't let a child with a smartphone wander into.

Reply
MrPSB
12/7/2016 12:40:25 pm

It's definitely using portal data because it's got plenty of my portal photos from the local area on Pokestops. This means I was a o-developer of Pokémon Go, and thus partly responsible for the paedogeddon it will bring. I'm so proud.

Reply
MrPSB
12/7/2016 12:41:04 pm

THAT'S RIGHT I SAID O-DEVELOPER AND BY GOD I MEAN IT

Reply
Mr Biffo
12/7/2016 12:42:44 pm

Ha-hah! Now you know how I feel.

AcidBeard
12/7/2016 01:35:13 pm

I enjoyed lining up a crotch shot in my boxers with a Weedle.

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Frank Chickens
12/7/2016 01:39:53 pm

I'm waiting for the first article of someone setting a lure just over the side of a cliff so they can watch someone fall off it.

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David W
12/7/2016 02:07:40 pm

Pokémon Go demands worthy advice from Mr. T to ensure that we all play safe.

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ChorltonWheelie
12/7/2016 08:33:15 pm

Your 'Man' appears to be 'Charles Arthur's Apple Rules!' Guardian Tech pages?

You need a real man, know what I'm sayin'? A reeeeeeal man.

Reply
Frank Chickens
16/7/2016 01:43:37 pm

Nintendo are set to release a follow up to Pokemon Go called Mario Kart Go. A preview of the app was released in France earlier this week.

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Cc
16/7/2016 08:20:51 pm

Love the picture of the Dirty Man peep peeping through the window. Maybe he's only peeping for the pokemon.

Reply



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