I've not been around recently, because I'd travelled back in time to 1963, to discover the truth about the Moon Landings. Did Man really land on the moon, or was it all a big hoax?
Of course, the great thing about time machines is that you can return at the same time you departed. Unfortunately, on the way home my time machine ran out of time petrol, and I got stuck in 1974.
I had to wait ages for the Time RAC to come out and pick me up. It was all a bit complicated, because I'd forgotten to join before my trip, so I spent ages on the phone with the lady, trying to negotiate my way out of additional charge for a non-member call-out.
Then my debit card was declined, and I had to get my brother to call them and join on my behalf, and then he spent about ten minutes telling me about the new golf clubs he got for his birthday, and... well... you probably don't want to hear about that. Anyway. That's why I've not been around.
So what did I discover about the Moon Landings? Just this: Buzz Aldrin is actually a fat wasp.