For reasons that are likely to remain unknown, I've decided to become a famous chef. To get ideas and learn how to cook, I've studied all the popular TV chefs at length, and it appears that they all have a gimmick.
Ramsey is basically posh and foul-mouthed, Oliver keeps licking his own face while patronising working-class people about being disgusting morons for not buying more fresh food (he should take a look in the mirror the next time he thinks about criticising "pink slime"!!!), Fearnly-Whittingstall eats any old rubbish out of a compost bin like some flaxen-haired pig, and Worrall Thompson received a police caution for forgetting to get permission before removing some low-value items from Tesco... However, it is the shaven cook Heston Blumenthal that I'm taking most of my inspiration from.
Frankly, I don't think the camera-awkard "molecular" chef goes far enough with his outlandish recipes. People say he's the Willy Wonka of cooking, but my dishes are going to make him look more like the Silly Wanka of Farting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL?
It's so funny that when I first saw the face I laughed until I threw up for an hour and five minutes. By which time the omelette was cold, and vomited-upon.
I'm opening my first molecular gastronomy restaurant, Browningtons. To reflect the whimsical nature of the food I'll be serving, the restaurant is basically made from an old submarine full of quoits, pouffes and braddles. As the name suggests, all our food is brown, but can be ordered in any one of five intensities (please... despite what you may soon read, this will not affect the taste).
To accompany our food, I've devised a range of fantastical brown cocktails. My personal favourites include the Brown Mary, the Brown on the Beach, and the Brown Russian. Please... once again, I must insist that the colour does not affect the taste of the cocktails.
Unfortunately, I've had to close Browningtons due to what we thought was a sewage leak in the kitchens (you know: like Hessy Blumenthal had). However, the leak wasn't actually a leak at all, but the result of actions by an overly anxious sous chef.
Unfortunately, due to the colour of our food, it was quite difficult to tell what had been contaminated and what hadn't.