I've been selected to provide the Lithuanian entry for this year's Eurovision Song Contest.
I'm not entirely sure how this has come about, as I'm not Lithuanian, didn't put myself forward for the contest, and don't know how to write or perform music. Nevertheless, the letter arrived yesterday, informing me that they'd like me to step up after their original act, Salvard Simmo & Blitzo the Clow-Clow, froze to death in a cattle trough.
I'm going to give it my best shot. Alas, my original idea was to write a song celebrating all that's great about Lithuania, but then I realised that I know virtually nothing about Lithuania. Plus I can't get online to find out more, because my Internet's been down since last Tuesday (a neighbour's grandparent dropped a jar of apricots on the router).
Instead, I've written a song about what I think Lithuania is probably like. I call it "Oh, Lithuania:
It might be where the lithograph was invented,
And it might be over in the East of Europe somewhere,
Or down south maybe,
I'm just guessing,
Let's ponder what your flag is like,
It might be striped and multi-coloured,
Probably white and light blue,
With a picture of a yellow lion on it.
I bet you're one of those countries,
With the men who dance in the funny hats and the shoes with bobbles on,
You know the ones,
They all link arms and dance to music that speeds up,
'Da-da, da-da, da-dah' it goes,
Maybe you were originally called Lisuania,
But you've developed a lisp.
I wonder what percentage of your population,
Suffers from lithiasis,
Which is a pathological formation of mineral concretions in the body,
And I wonder if that was discovered by one of your scientists,
If you even have those,
There's another word beginning with lith that I just found,
That word is lithoid,
Which means stone-like,
I bet you've got loads of stones in Lithunia,
Because most countries have them.
I wonder who your president is,
He or she is probably called something like Borgus or Bjark,
Or maybe you have a monarchy,
And your king or queen is called Fjarborch or Tragjarvledorch,
I'm curious to know,
If you have a problem with the extreme far-right,
Like Nazis and that,
And whether mental people from your country,
Suffer from Lithumania.
Unfortunately, I've had my Song for Europe rejected by the Lithuanian Eurovision selection committee on the grounds that it "Did not conform to the standards required for Eurovision", and because "The music - as far as it could be called music - was a repetitive buzzing which gradually increased in pitch and tempo, while a distressed animal could be heard lowing in the background".
Also, it turns out the letter I got wasn't sent by them anyway, but my local YouTube prankster, Whimsical Rodgers.
FROM THE ARCHIVE: