I've decided to become a super-hero. Admittedly, I don't have much of a tragic origin story - most of my parents and uncles are still alive, so it's not like I'm inspired to go out and avenge their deaths.
In fact, my only dead uncle wasn't even my favourite uncle, and he died from dysentery in a Harvester car park. I don't know about you, but fighting dysentery isn't what I tend to think of when I picture super-heroes.
Still, I've worked hard to imagine what it would be like for all my remaining uncles to be murdered by a bad thief - and it seems to have done the trick: I'm now well up for going out there and fighting crime. My super-hero name? Uncle-Helper. By way of avenging the imaginary deaths of my imaginary uncles, I'm mostly going to hang out in the local uncle community, watching over all the local uncles, and keeping them all safe.
I tried putting a spider in the microwave, and getting it to bite me, but that didn't work; I think the spider might've been cooked. I made a cocktail of Lucozade, Purdeys, ground-up multivitamin pills, and melted Help For Heroes wristbands - a sort of "super soldier serum" - put it in a turkey baster, and tried injecting it into myself... but most of it just dribbled out down my thighs, and burned the rim of my anus. I even tried swallowing a fridge magnet for some reason, but that merely made me retch.
Instead, I'm going to become a Batman-style super-hero - with a special suit and gadgets. Unfortunately, I'm broke at the minute and can't afford things like a special suit or gadgets, so I've had to fill my utility belt with whatever I could find around the house; a couple of pegs, a hair scrunchy, a Yankee Candle (Fresh Cotton), a big knife, and a rolling pin which I've studded with nails.
My super-hero costume is basically a pair of stonewashed jeans and a purple polo shirt that I've tucked into the jeans. To disguise my identity, I wear an old Halloween werewolf mask that I've turned inside out, and written the letters "UH" on.
I even have my own battle-cry: "I'll help you, uncles".
My first night as a super-hero didn't go so well. Firstly, it turns out that I'm allergic to the false hair on the werewolf mask, so I had to throw that away.
Stupidly, I'd also forgotten to have dinner before I went out on patrol, and started feeling really hungry. I went into the KFC at the top of my road, but by the time I'd finished eating (Zinger Tower meal and three extra hot wings) I just felt a bit heavy and lethargic, so I went home.
Annoyingly, when I got into bed I couldn't sleep. I ended up playing the new Peggle game on my phone until about 4AM - and spent a small fortune on it. I really don't like it when they charge you to play extra levels, or get power-ups - especially not when the previous games in the series weren't like that. It's not really free at all, is it?
My second night as a super-hero went slightly better than the first night: at least this time I remembered to eat before leaving the house. Unfortunately, I wandered the streets for hours but didn't see any crime. Had a wee behind Aldi.
Still no crime. Went to KFC.
Success! I stopped a crime from happening! I did this by thinking about doing a crime, and then stopping myself from doing it.
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