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MAKING IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH THIS GALLERY OF WEIRD PAC-MAN MERCHANDISE WILL BE WORTH IT FOR THE LEWD JOKE AT THE END, PROBABLY

2/2/2017

24 Comments

 
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Pac-Man: what is he? It's unlikely to be a question which troubled Namco when it was originally developing the game.

​Unfortunately, when Pac-Man became a phenomenon, licensees made efforts - inconsistent efforts, but efforts nevertheless - to ascribe some sort of personality upon him. You know: something a bit more than just "Disembodied yellow gob who eats ghosts and drugs".

The game's unexpected success no doubt accounts for the rather scattershot nature of the merchandising which followed initially in Pac-Man's wake. Here's a selection of it - with a bonus bawdy joke as your reward if you make it all the way to the end.

No scrolling to the bottom before you've looked at everything else though....!
PAC-MAN PUPPET
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For some reason, early artwork showed a very different-looking Pac-Man to the one who appeared in the game. Indeed, he had legs, and horrible red eyes - you know: the four things which every junkie has.

As horrifying as this was in itself, it became even more so when rendered in 3D for a harrowing puppet. Also, note that Pac-Man has his own name tattooed inside his mouth. Probably something he had done while he was high. 
PAC-MAN RIDDLE AND JOKE BOOK
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Somehow, "America's Riddle King" - the US equivalent of our own Poet Laureate - found enough riddles and jokes about Pac-Man to fill an entire book. Here's a selection (and, sadly, that picture bottom left is actually labelled "A Big Pac" rather than - as I initially thought - "A Big Poo"... which would've been funnier).
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PAC-MAN BANK
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"Jesus. Look at the state of him... He doesn't even know where he is. He's so off his face he's eating money... Pac! Hey, Pac-Man - mate, you can't eat that - those aren't sweets. Mate, put them down - they're coins."

"Hunnnnnh...?"


Anyhow. Keep going - that bawdy joke is getting closer! You can't give up now.
MS PAC-MAN PUPPET
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For some reason, whereas Pac-Man was often drawn to resemble a haggard addict, Ms Pac-Man was overtly sexualised - and never more so than in this ungodly plush. 
PAC-MAN CHAIRS
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These chairs - which invite you to quite literally sit on Pac-Man's face - appear neither safe nor comfortable. Furthermore, given their resemblance to beaks, sitting in one while nude would feel a bit like feeding a worm to a baby bird.
PAC-MAN COSTUME
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Again with the red eyes, this costume seems targeted specifically at murderers.

And don't forget now - there's a lewd joke coming up very soon!
PAC-MAN RUBBER TOY
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Pac-Man with bright white teeth looks like Shaun Ryder since he got his mouth fixed. Which, given their shared history with narcotics, is somewhat appropriate, I suppose.
PAC-MAN VALENTINE'S CARD
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Suffice to say, any woman who receives a Pac-Man Valentine's card that's not intended ironically would do best to keep her distance from the sender. Not least the sender of this particular card, with its sinister threat to "TRACK you down"...

Still... Not long now until the bawdy joke!
PAC-MAN CHRISTMAS ALBUM
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There's a Pac-Man spin to be had on A Christmas Carol, given the series' preoccupation with ghosts. That wasn't to be found here, however, on the Pac-Man Christmas Album - which featured bizarrely-sung, synth-laden reinterpretations of traditional Christmas songs, alongside dialogue from Pac-Man and family. 

The album opens with the sound of a giggling infant, and a narrator extolling the virtue of the "holiday perfume" which comes from mixing the stench of freshly-baked cookies with the reek of Christmas trees... and just gets worse from there. It tells the story of the Pacs wanting to do something nice for someone over the holiday season - and settling on inviting the ghosts to spend Christmas with them.

Anyhoo - we're nearly there now. The saucy joke is coming up next! 
MS PAC-MAN SQUIRT-UM
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At last we have confirmation that Ms Pac-Man is a squirter!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...Yup.

Uhh...
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​IF YOU'RE NOT TOO BUSY YOU COULD SPEND SOME TIME HAVING A LOOK AT THESE OLD DONKEY KONG STICKERS
CHECK OUT THIS AMAZING GALLERY OF WEIRD PAC-MAN MERCHANDISE THAT WE GAVE UP ON BEFORE WE EVEN GOT HALF WAY!
VINTAGE GAMING DURING AN AGE OF AUSTERITY

24 Comments
Spiney O'Sullivan
2/2/2017 12:30:52 pm

Jeez Biffo, tone down the sauciness. Riddle King Mike Thaler didn't need to do blue jokes.

In his honour, here's a few funnies of my own:

Q: What is Pacman's favourite World War II anti-aircraft weaponry?

A: PAC-PAC guns! (Ack Ack guns)

Q: What is Pacman's favourite way to prepare a midday meal?

A: Making a Pac-ed lunch! (Packed lunch)

Q: What is Pac-Man's favourite country?

A: Italy! (He and Ms Pac-Man had a very nice holiday there once and would like to go back, but it's tougher to travel now they've got the baby)

Reply
Mr Biffo
2/2/2017 12:32:15 pm

Prudes the lot of you.

Reply
Deeply Inappropriate of Diss
2/2/2017 12:55:58 pm

Q: What's Joey Deacon's favourite arcade game?
A: Spac-Man!

Alberto Balsam
2/2/2017 03:21:34 pm

Sincerely better than anything in the book by dint of the fact they rhyme

I feel we are doing the shittiness of the joke book a disservice by not going into detail a bit. One of the jokes (spread over 2 pages no less), is Q. 'Why doesn't Pacman have any friends?' A. Pac breath

Reply
Deeply Inappropriate of Diss
2/2/2017 03:49:46 pm

Q: Which letter of the Pac-Man alphabet is a bit racist?
A: Pac E

Spiney O'Sullivan
2/2/2017 05:01:03 pm

The answer should have been "severe halitghostis".

DEAN
2/2/2017 12:46:09 pm

You're better than this.

Mind you, is it an allegory for something more Trumpvian...
It is, isn't it. Even if only from the satirical recesses of your subconsciousness.

Allow me to plumb the depths with some knight's move thinking...

Miss Pac Man = Piss Mac Man

Big Mac - American burger usually sold with fries (lies).
Only lives up to its name when being held by diminutive hands.

OR a mac like a rain coat to protect germaphobes from showers.

Gawdy neon skin and a big mouth....

I can do this all day but tell me if I'm getting close...

Reply
Sean Buckingham
2/2/2017 01:00:00 pm

The bawdy joke is funny. Ignore them.
It's funny because everybody already knew she was, and this product - as you rightly say - confirms it.

Reply
Clockwork Fool
2/2/2017 01:14:12 pm

Did not see that coming. Alrighty then!

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Bruce Flagpole
2/2/2017 01:25:46 pm

What is Pac-man's favourite Bad Company song?
Run with the Pac(k)

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Spiney O'Sullivan
2/2/2017 02:16:10 pm

Q: What is Pac-Man's favourite AC/DC song?

A: Pac in Plack

Reply
DEAN
2/2/2017 03:01:36 pm

Q - Pac's fave Ella Henderson song?
A - Yours

pacrick
2/2/2017 03:24:01 pm

Q. What is Pac Mans favourite move in the game 3D Pacman?

A. Pac (Pac) Attack!

Spiney O'Sullivan
2/2/2017 05:02:48 pm

Pacrick, don't you mean "Pac atpac?"

Starbuck
2/2/2017 11:44:30 pm

Q. What's Pac Man's favourite characters from EastEnders, and Micro Machines or Tony Blair?

A. Dot(s) and Cher(r)ies.

Spiney O'Sullivan
3/2/2017 08:24:00 am

Who is Pac-Man's favourite host of University Challenge ?

Bamber Gasgoine! (he's just never quite warmed to Jeremy Pacman)

treacle
2/2/2017 01:32:41 pm

I for one applaud your dalliance with more ribald humour, you know something a bit risqué. It's like being in one of those nineteen seventies cabaret clubs the Sweeny would occasionally visit that they have to edit out the afternoon repeats on itv4 due to flashes of ladies breasts.

Reply
King of Duckhenrys
2/2/2017 10:22:45 pm

Thanks Biffo, that puppet will haunt my dreams tonight.

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Monkey Head
2/2/2017 11:19:15 pm

I wish I was King of Duckhenrys, it sounds like my dream job.

Reply
superfog
3/2/2017 09:12:48 am

Why is Pac Man moving forward, through the dimension we know as time, like some things a postman has?

Pac ages!

Why is Pac Man going backwards like a war-weary piece of head gear?

Nam Cap!

What did Mrs Pac Man say when she saw him "taking" a ghosts cherry?

"Pac your bags, you filthly pervert!"

(This is more a metaphysical question rather than a joke)

If Pac Man brazenly eats a power pill does it make the ghosts run?
No, of course it doesn't, ghosts don't run; they float, with a set of pre-determined velocities!

Reply
DEAN
3/2/2017 10:04:43 am

Your comment, superfog, was a bonafide rollercoaster ride for me.
You had me right at the start when you asked why Pac-Man moves forwards through time. I admit, that wasn't where I thought that was heading but then, when I thought it was all over you made good on what you'd teased at the start - weird shit. Excellent post!

What if they're not pills our little chap is popping. What if they're ley lines?
I hold my hands up, I don't know much about mysticism. And with that:

Blinky, Pinky, Inky & Clyde traverse these ley lines as the lines are required to power their soul essences; like dotted tracks for a phantasm caboose. When Pac-Man disrupts the leys to a massive extent by devouring a big one, it really does a number on the ghosts and plunges them into existential despair.

This goes someway to support your velocity testimony.

Reply
Plento
3/2/2017 11:03:14 am

This whole comments section is exemplary. Thanks and congrats to all involved

King of Duckhenrys
3/2/2017 12:28:43 pm

Talk to your school's careers adviser. Not because it will help you get this job, but because they're probably very lonely.

Reply
Clive Peppard
3/2/2017 01:59:14 pm

Q: What do you call a pakistani Pacman

A: Pacman you flippin racist

Reply



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