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LIFE BEFORE DONK: 11 NINTENDO ARCADE GAMES YOU'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF

25/4/2018

13 Comments

 
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Nintendo started life in 1889 as a nude playing card company. It diversified greatly over the following century, into taxis, love hotels, and toys. Of course, it wasn't until the decaying years of the 20th Century that Nintendo found its true calling; nipple clamps (video games)! 

Even then, its entry into the games industry was faltering, and - before it struck it big with 1981's Donkey Kong - Nintendo flailed around like a squid in a bin.

Here are all (some) of the games which led the way. 
LASER CLAY SHOOTING SYSTEM (1973) 
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Not an arcade game in a traditional sense, given that the Laser Clay Shooting System was more of an installation - developed with a view to it taking over abandoned bowling alleys, for some reason - it was, nevertheless, Nintendo's first foray into gaming.

Unfortunately, Nintendo borrowed big to fund the sprawling, multiplayer, system, and when Japan's economy was punched in the glans by the 1973 oil crisis, the company nearly went bankrupt. Ha ha.

Get a load of this shit: the game's designer, Genyo Takeda, went on to create Punch-Out! and Pilotwings 64. He's still involved with Nintendo to this day, and in 2015 was given this amusing title:  "Technology Fellow".
EVR RACE (1975)
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Not only was EVR Race the first proper arcade game Nintendo ever released - also designed by technology fellow Genyo Takeda - but it was the game which inspired the legendary Shigeru Miyamoto to become a game designer. Suffice to say, Miyamoto needs no introduction, so let's provide a false one by stating that he is perhaps best known for being Japan's worst (best) serial killer. 

EVR was a complicated horse racing game; live action races would be shown on a TV screen, and players would have to place bets on who they thought would win. You know: like in the popular horse-racing sport known as "horse racing".
SKY HAWK (1976)
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Nintendo put out a bunch of arcade shooting games that used 16mm film projection - essentially equipped with a shrunk-down version of its Laser Clay Shooting System. Sky Hawk was the first; a nautical combat simulation, in which the ship-based player had to shoot planes out of the sky.

Skyhawk also holds the honour of being perhaps the only arcade game to be housed in a little tent - like the ones workmen use on their breaks to have a cup of tea and "polish their drill heads" 
COMPUTER OTHELLO (1978)
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Why is the board game Othello called "Othello"? Nobody cares! Nintendo done a version of Othello for arcades. Nobody cares about that either.

In Shakespeare's play of the same name, Othello was a Moorish general in the Venetian army. And too right he was Moorish - I couldn't get enough of that guy!!!!!!
SPACE FEVER (1979)
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"Space Fever, Space Fever!
We know how to do it.
Gimme that Space Fever, Space Fever!
We know how to show it..."


Thrashing about for a bona-fide arcade hit, Nintendo swabbed its cusp with the well-soiled Space Invaders rag. To wit: Space Fever was a blatant rip-off. A special edition - SF-Hisplitter (hunh?) - released later the same year at least demonstrated a vague concession to originality by making the aliens slightly wider.
MONKEY MAGIC (1979)
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Another rip-off, Nintendo's Monkey Magic was a Breakout clone inspired by the classic 16th Century novel Journey To The West - an account of the legendary pilgrimage of the Tang Dynasty monk Xuanzang, who travelled to Central Asia and India to acquire Buddhist sacred texts. 

In video game terms, this translated to trying to smash a monkey's face apart with a ball. You know: like you might have done at the "zoo".
SPACE LAUNCHER (1979)
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Well, that's some shameless Star Wars riffing right there.

Space Launcher itself was slightly more original than some of Nintendo's previous games, by succeeding in ripping-off two games simultaneously. There was Space Invaders again, of course, but this time with some added Frogger thrown in for good measure. Except - TWI-IIII-I-I-ST! - it was actually released two years before Frogger, and thus might've actually inspired Frogger!!!!

You had to fly to the top of the screen to collect treasure, ramming into enemies with your armoured "tip" without being destroyed by a side-on collision.
HEAD ON N (1979)
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Another example of Nintendo borrowing liberally from other studios, Head-On N was a clone of Sega's Head-On - a Pac-Man-esque driving game. Presumably, the 'N' in Nintendo's version stood for 'No-original-ideas'.
SPACE FIREBIRD (1980)
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Nintendo's own take on Namco's Galaxian, Space Firebird was starkly different from Galaxian in that it was an outrageous reproduction of another game.  
SHERIFF (1980)
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A Wild West-themed shooter, Sheriff may have been inspired by the other Wild West-themed shooters then clogging up arcades like an overabundance of screed, but at least had a unique control method. You see, the player was surrounded by bandits, and could shoot in eight directions to take them down - one of the earliest examples of a game in which you could move in one direction while shooting in another. 

Check out my cool cowboy song:

Cowboys, cowboys,
Give me your answer true,
Cowboys, cowboys,
Please, where do you do your poo?


Well, that's it. That's mah song!
RADAR SCOPE (1980)
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Though another Space Invaders/Galaxian clone, Radar Scope remains notable as the first video game that Shigeru Miyamoto ever worked on. Interestingly - or not (your mileage may vary) - as a cost-saving measure, the hardware was repurposed for Donkey Kong; the company's first big arcade hit - and the game which, finally, put Nintendo on the gaming map for pity's sake.
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13 Comments
Sam
25/4/2018 09:43:21 am

Squid in a bin!

Reply
DEAN
25/4/2018 10:34:09 am

Very funny!

I was shit at school but perhaps that's because it was serious business and lacked anything of any real interest to anyone.

To wit, to whom exactly did they think would be more interested in learning about the spinning jenny and manufacture of pins than be interested in, oh, I dunno (not very bright/lazy remember) Pirates and Pyramids.

What I'm saying is that I wish all teachers were more Biffo and could make things interesting.

I'm not wrong because if you're laughing then you're 'on' and, like any good doctor will tell, it's real bad to force shit, bruv.

Speaking of doctors - I visited one about a penis ailment some years ago. I was embarrassed (that's perfectly okay) and I didn't want to be sat there with a quack of whichever sex (didn't know what I'd get) talking about 'bellends, hog's eyes and ball bags' So I decided to be a genital pro and use the proper words for them there thingys.

He quickly told me to just use 'normal' words - probably in an effort to help me feel relaxed and, I can't prove this but, make the unfolding events a little more sexy.

Things took a turn for the worse when he wanted to get a better look at it and fetched a magnifying glass.

So I'm stood in a room with a man wearing a tweed jacket on his knees in front of me holding my John Thomas in one hand and inspecting it through a lens with the other. I didn't know about SPH at the time which is good but anyone who has seen a Dr about his manhood will attest to this (I hope): the thing shrivels right up like you've just felt the winter wind across you after leaving the sea for a new year's swim at Westward Ho! Beach. Your body essentially attempts to change sex with an *almost* an inny and a tight scrotum like a disgusted chin.

Turns out it was just thrush, if you're interested - I had never had it before so didn't know it was okayish - I had been sat in the waiting room reasonably certain that it was advanced penile cancer and that the whole lot would probably be coming off or, if I was lucky, blasted with radiotherapy until it glowed like an enchanted wand.

I also went to see a doctor about a lump in my balls and a problem with my anus but I'll save those for a more appropriate time.

And a question I've never managed to answer is which sex Dr I'd rather see when it came to downstairs matters.

I think you're pretty much fucked either way. I've had both and both have been equally embarrassing. The lady one also had a nurse with her and was discussing what she was doing... She also, hilariously, asked me help with the foreskin. The chap didn't need any such assistance. I think, all things considered, it makes little difference, it's all awful but sensible stuff but what would your preference be (if any) and why?

Reply
Biscuits
25/4/2018 10:52:00 am

I recently had my tackle examined and experienced the same 'anxiety'. To make matters worse I also had my arse 'looked at', and the nice lady doctor said 'Don't be nervous, I know it's strange but it's just a bit uncomfortable' and I for some reason I turned and said said 'Oh, I'm not nervous.' - which is SO fucking creepy, why didn't I just say 'ok thanks'

Reply
DEAN
25/4/2018 11:12:31 am

LOL

Brilliant, mate!

The feeling of getting the all clear or at least getting it treated is worth it - I left the doctors walking on sunshine after being 'seen'.

When I turned 40 I had a letter from the GP inviting me for a full MOT.

This involved everything you'd expect and included a prostate exam.
I couldn't face it. stupid I know but... one day perhaps.

Anyway I get on well with my dentist and was having a laugh with him about it and he said much the same but for him it was worse - he explained that most of the doctors in the area were patients of his and so it was all too much for him. He asked for a blood test instead and was told that it was less accurate to which he replied that in his opinion it would be accurate enough!

Did you ever have the school medical? You know the one, when they cup your balls and ask you to cough?
I don't think they do it anymore but I remember standing in line waiting for my turn to enter the room with a nurse, doctor and fuck knows who else and being asked to drop my pants and have my sack handled!
I remember standing there with my eyes tightly shut.... much like my wedding night actually.

Biscuits
25/4/2018 11:44:47 am

Never had to experience the school medical - honestly, I'm still not sure what it checks for, and I don't feel confident googling it at work.

And I don't envy your dentist...peering into someone's mouth after they were doing the same at the other end...I'm not sure I could concentrate. small talk would be an effort that's for sure. Maybe the NHS could impliment something whereby you can have your arse checked at a surgery 100 miles away, virtually guaranteeing you never see the doctor again. I bet after that the doc starts showing up everywhere though, like Droopy Dog.

I will say though that the prostate check isn't scary or difficult, and it takes like 30 seconds, though it certainly does feel weird having someone poking about inside your guts. I wasn't expecting her to say 'Well your bowel feels fine'. 'Feels'? Bowels should not be felt, surely

Much like yourself though I felt a lot lighter leaving the office. I was worried my life of mildly reckless living had caught up to me

Rufio1980
25/4/2018 04:18:40 pm

A friend of mine was once in a similar position. When the female doctor (accompanied by an attractive female trainee) enquired, whilst up to her wristwatch, if he was okay, he replied “Sad thing is, this is probably the highlight of my day”

gnarlybravo
26/4/2018 02:20:09 pm

I had a similar experience. A strange rash appeared a little too close to the old fella for comfort. Normally, being a man, I would have ignored it and hoped it went away. But my wife was pregnant at the time and thought it could be shingles, and therefore potentially dangerous, so she packed me off to the GP.

The GP, a studious German woman in her 50s, frowned and said something to the effect of "I've never seen anything like that before." Note to medical practitioners: no man wants to hear that when you're rooting around in his tackle. So she sent me off to the sexual health clinic.

By this point I was pretty concerned - for the baby, for my wife, for the health of my groinal region and because I really hadn't planned on showing my willy and balls to strangers quite so regularly. I remember being sat in the waiting room in the clinic, looking around at its various nervous denizens and wondering what mucky business had landed them in that place.

These places are far better set up to get a proper look at the goods than a GP's surgery and I very soon found myself being examined by a young female doctor with what was essentially a dentist's light with a big magnifiying glass attached. She too looked confused. So she called her colleagues and two more doctors came in. An older man and woman. The man was a particularly jolly professorial type wearing a bowtie who enagaged me in chipper conversation throughout the ordeal.

My abiding image from that day is of four people (my wife was there too), peering very closely at my meat and two veg under harsh, unforgiving light. The situation had become so ridiculous that I couldn't even muster any embarassment.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. It was shingles but everything was okay and we had a beautiful baby girl shortly thereafter.

Reply
neil
25/4/2018 11:45:46 am

Thanks to both Biffo and DEAN for bringing several smiles to my face this morning.

Reply
Treacle
25/4/2018 12:50:46 pm

Just to add my tuppence worth to the discussion, when we got our school medical I started a rumour that on leaving the examination room one of my classmates went back to the end of the queue for a second helping. A scurrilous lie that followed the poor chap through his school days.

Reply
John Veness
25/4/2018 02:31:55 pm

I knew video game companies copied each other a lot back then, but "Head-On N" is just taking the piss!

Also: 11.

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James Walker link
26/4/2018 12:05:18 am

Space Firebird?!!
F&@k off!

And these shameless bastards got Giana Sisters banned!???

Reply
colincidence link
27/4/2018 03:25:28 pm

Which Shakespeare play is just about some guy?

A Fellow (Othello)!

Reply
NixPix
29/4/2018 07:19:29 pm

So what happens when you read an article promising 'arcade games you've never even heard of' and not only have you heard of four of them, you remember playing them? Are you still allowed to read the article when your nerd-level exceeds the entry requirement specified in the title? 'Sorry, you are over-qualified for this article'. Hmm. So tthat Head On was at the Charrington Bowl at Tolworth roundabout and it was rock-hard (and nothing at all like Pacman, despite appearances) and that Sheriff was way beyond my coordination as a dyspraxic teen (Two sticks? Are you serious?). Space Firebird was Galaxian but with better animation (not hard), and even Radar Scope was alright, with a 3D perspective effect I thought was 'cool' (not that I was an expert on cool, judging by my brown corduroy trousers at the time). No, I'm glad I read on, or I wouldn't have heard of Arcade Othello. Now you're talking!

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