Laser tag - the infrared duelling game rather than the trademarked product with the real cool Z - is quite the fun thing (especially if you're too scared to have your precious baby skin smarted by airsoft and paintball pellets).
I owned a Photon set, which I bought from the Brent Cross Toys R Us in 1988, blowing my entire wages for the month in one impulse purchase. It was a big, bulky, ridiculous thing, and I only ever got to play with it about twice, because - frankly - where was I going to play it, and with whom?
Mr Hairs and I were invited to cover the opening of a laser tag centre in Wembley during the Digitiser years, only to be frustrated by the actions of one particular player, who failed to enter into the fantasy of it all and won the game by a significant margin. He wandered around imagining he was a Terminator, and will probably spent the rest of his life feeling really good about himself for ruining everyone else's day. I still hate him.
Heck, I even got a Sega Lock-On as my leaving present when I left Teletext to write Digitiser full-time from home. I played it once, in the Teletext car park, on my last day. And that was the end of my laser tag story, until a couple of years ago when I played it again at a leisure centre in Swanage, or somewhere.
Somehow, the reality of laser tag has never been as fun as the fantasy. Here are ten images which demonstrate this fact.
I owned a Photon set, which I bought from the Brent Cross Toys R Us in 1988, blowing my entire wages for the month in one impulse purchase. It was a big, bulky, ridiculous thing, and I only ever got to play with it about twice, because - frankly - where was I going to play it, and with whom?
Mr Hairs and I were invited to cover the opening of a laser tag centre in Wembley during the Digitiser years, only to be frustrated by the actions of one particular player, who failed to enter into the fantasy of it all and won the game by a significant margin. He wandered around imagining he was a Terminator, and will probably spent the rest of his life feeling really good about himself for ruining everyone else's day. I still hate him.
Heck, I even got a Sega Lock-On as my leaving present when I left Teletext to write Digitiser full-time from home. I played it once, in the Teletext car park, on my last day. And that was the end of my laser tag story, until a couple of years ago when I played it again at a leisure centre in Swanage, or somewhere.
Somehow, the reality of laser tag has never been as fun as the fantasy. Here are ten images which demonstrate this fact.
STAR TREK ELECTRONIC PHASER GUNS
The very first competitive infra-red laser game was - remarkably - a licensed product. More remarkable still, the guns were pretty accurate representations of the Star Trek phaser pistols.
What a terrible shame that this landmark product was sold via the means of a pair of rubes, who would've looked more at home running around a field, having recently helped their community construct a new barn in which father's many wives were to be stored.
What a terrible shame that this landmark product was sold via the means of a pair of rubes, who would've looked more at home running around a field, having recently helped their community construct a new barn in which father's many wives were to be stored.
LAZER TAG
Achingly 80s-looking, like something out of V, Lazer Tag arrived in 1986 - two years after the opening of the first Photon arena in Dallas, Texas. Unfortunately, while the Lazer Tag vest and helmet made the wearer feel like a Boba Fett, what they actually resembled was a big twat in a life vest and bucket. Peripheral vision? Clearly, it's overrated. Still, less chance of you catching your reflection and seeing what a massive cretin you looked.
PHOTON
Despite being first, Photon never quite reached the heights of Lazer Tag. Potentially, this might've been due to the the helmets being even more ridiculous than the Lazer Tag ones - even though they had flashing lights on them and everything. Perhaps the military might consider looking into adding flashing lights to the uniforms of their troops; that's bound to make them less conspicuous!
SEGA LOCK-ON
Sega was late to the laser par-tay, but its kit did at least do away with the absurdly bulky helmet of its predecessors - favouring a neat heads-up display that beat Google Glass to the post by 20 years.
Regrettably, once again, we have the above image to remind us that laser tag games never make you look anything less than laughable.
What's with the feller in the flouncy white shirt, business slacks and leather gloves? Why can't he see the other chap? Perhaps he's too busy considering how cool he looks, dressed - as he is - in the clothing of a 17th Century dandy.
Regrettably, once again, we have the above image to remind us that laser tag games never make you look anything less than laughable.
What's with the feller in the flouncy white shirt, business slacks and leather gloves? Why can't he see the other chap? Perhaps he's too busy considering how cool he looks, dressed - as he is - in the clothing of a 17th Century dandy.
LASER COMMAND
One of countless Lazer Tag knock-offs, the most baffling thing about Laser Command is the boy's arm there. What is he - triple-jointed? Who holds a gun like that? Answer: a big, Photoshopped, idiot.
HE'S GOT IT ALL
Yes. Yes, Lazer Tag is a game suitable for all ages. Still, perhaps they should've used models who might at least make a fair stab at offsetting some of the equipment's inherent ridiculousness. That hand on his hip doesn't exactly help matters.
"I've got it all going on, guys!"
"I've got it all going on, guys!"
NICK COTTON
There's so much wrong here, not least the fact that they hired a young Nick Cotton to be one of the players. No wonder the girl is looking directly into the camera; she's probably a big John Altman fan.
"Ma... Ma... I'm going to shoot you, Ma."
"OMG! It's Nasty Nick (not the one out of Big Brother)!"
"Ma... Ma... I'm going to shoot you, Ma."
"OMG! It's Nasty Nick (not the one out of Big Brother)!"
POOR STRATEGY
"What's the strategy?"
"Stand in a big group in the open, and have three of us kneeling down. Put the two who are terrified of harmless infrared beams in the front. Also, we must be flanked by The Twins."
"Stand in a big group in the open, and have three of us kneeling down. Put the two who are terrified of harmless infrared beams in the front. Also, we must be flanked by The Twins."
GOTCHA!
Words scarcely do this justice. Red Helmet looks as if he's just coming around after having a wisdom tooth extracted, while the boy on the right is taking full advantage.
"Drop the gun!"
"Hunnnnnhhhh...? Is this real life?"
"Drop the gun!"
"Hunnnnnhhhh...? Is this real life?"
THE TWO EXTREMES
Kudos to the one on the left. He at least is buying into the absurdity of Lazer Tag, and therefore somehow pulls it off. His brother, on the other hand, is doing his best to look mean, forgetting that he is still wearing his pyjamas. And he's probably pooed himself.
CAPTAIN POWER
Released to tie-in to a live-action TV show, the Captain Power Powerjet XT-7 was an infrared gun built to resemble a spaceship, which came bundled with interactive video tapes. Players could shoot at the on-screen action, allowing the player to murder enemies - or be shot by them (resulting in the ship's cockpit blowing apart).
Judging from the reaction of the middle-aged woman in the ad, it was the single most terrifying thing anybody could ever experience.
Judging from the reaction of the middle-aged woman in the ad, it was the single most terrifying thing anybody could ever experience.
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