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IT'S THE DIGITISER2000 VETERAN GAME DEVELOPER-BAITING HIT-GENERATOR!

29/6/2016

39 Comments

 
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So, earlier this week I offended Dino Dini and his fans, and yesterday Jeff Minter - creator of such legendary original works as Attack of the Mutant Camels, Return of the Mutant Camels, and Revenge of the Mutant Camels, decided to have a cheeky little pop at me on Twitter.

I don't know why. Maybe it's because, 20 years ago, I suggested that some of his games might've been - *ahem* - "inspired" by some other games. But that's okay. It's good to hold grudges.

If this week has taught me anything, it's one thing: veteran game designers are incredibly touchy, they have a rabid fanbase, no ability to laugh at themselves, and that criticising them is fantastic for Digitiser2000's hits. In this instance, it seems as if the only responsible thing to do - because there's nothing more entertaining or dignified than middle aged men having a public spat - is to insult some more of them.

In this time of great uncertainty and negativity, we all need something to cling to. And for me it's the hits! 
JOHN HARE
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As a founding member of Sensible Software, Jon Hare was involved in games like Sensible Soccer, Cannon Fodder and Mega Lo Mania.

​As a human being, he is known for sporting the sort of hair that wouldn't have been out of place on the head of a late-90s chavette - a brave look for someone who is, ironically, losing his "hare". Where are your mock gold hoop earrings, Jon? Meet you at the bus stop, yeah? Just gonna get some chips.
JOHN AND STE PICKFORD
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Plok, Wetrix and Magnetic Billiards are but three of the countless games this pair of conjoined anuses were responsible for. Look at them. They're like a couple of refugees from Middle Earth, who've been living under a viaduct for the past six months. 
KEVIN TOMS
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Attention-seeker Kevin Toms made sure we all knew who he was, by plastering his fat head all over the packaging and adverts for his handful of sporting strategy games. To some gamers he was the face of Football Manager.

​To the rest of us, he was the gaming equivalent of the man on the Daddie's Sauce bottle: a ghoulish, disembodied face, of the sort that might peer through your bedroom window at night.
SANDY WHITE
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Ant Attack and Zombie Zombie. Those were the games of Sandy White. There's nothing more to say about him. Literally nothing.
GEOFF CRAMMOND
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Best known for The Sentinel and a bunch of dry and boring racing games, Geoff Crammond looks as if he's been keeping in shape in his old age. He probably goes to the gym, and jogs. What exactly are you running from, Geoff? What secrets are you hiding behind that sculpted physique?

​Also, here's a funny nickname for you: "Crammond eggs".
THE BITMAP BROTHERS
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Speedball, Xenon, The Chaos Engine; these were three of the games that The Bitmap Brothers did. The Chuckle Brothers would've been a more accurate name for them. Actually... no... wait. How about "The Cocks"?
JON RITMAN
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Jon Ritman created Match Day, Head Over Heels and Batman. Let's keep this one brief. Jon Ritman? More like BUM SHITMAN!!!
WILL WRIGHT
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"Look into my eyes... not around the eyes... but into the eyes..." says Will Wright, creator of Sim City. "And then perhaps you won't notice the gerbil that has smashed itself to death against the lower portion of my weird face."
JOHN CARMACK
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John Carmack programmed Wolfenstein 3D, Quake, and Doom. Nowadays he's a space rocket enthusiast. Let's start a crowd-funding campaign to see if we can put him in one, fill the capsule with "meadow muffins", and fire it into a wall.
DAVID BRABEN
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Lantern-jawed David Braben was most famous for co-creating Elite with Ian Bell. Which is somewhat ironic, as it is he who was the biggest "bell" (bell-end) in the relationship, allegedly.
BLOCK PARTY: THE DIGITISER & TELETEXT FESTIVAL! OCTOBER 1st 2016 - TICKETS ONLY £10!
​

BUY THEM HERE!
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FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​REVIEW: LEGO STAR WARS THE FORCE AWAKENS (MULTI, PS4 VERSION TESTED)
WOULD YOU ADD-ON AND EVE IT? FIRST-PARTY PERIPHERALS WE NEVER REALLY WANTED

HOW IT ALL KICKED OFF - BY MR BIFFO

39 Comments
Barrybarrybarrybarry
29/6/2016 11:51:48 am

You could never be replaced by a robot in my eyes.

Why is there a robot in my eyes ARGH GET IT OUT

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Dr Kank
29/6/2016 11:52:48 am

Oh man!

At least you didn't insult Archer MacLean, the most dangerous of all veteran games developers. He would probably do some karate, or shoot you with an arrow.

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Chris
29/6/2016 11:57:15 am

I'm surprised you didn't point out that one of the Bitmap Brothers is blatently a "Bitmap Sister". What's that about?

Also: I was once threatened with legal action by Kevin Toms. FACT.

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Mr Biffo
29/6/2016 12:04:52 pm

I wish to know more plz.

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Chris
29/6/2016 12:34:18 pm

I think it involved Reader's Wives. I don't really remember.

Dr Kank
29/6/2016 12:06:51 pm

Say what you like about Kevin Toms, but that's one cool looking digital watch he's wearing.

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Kelvin Green link
29/6/2016 07:07:55 pm

I don't think they're even brothers! Everything we were told is a lie!

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FEoD link
29/6/2016 12:00:01 pm

Still... Stu Campbell... Heady company for old "1-idea Minter" to place you in Biffo, so the Tweet is almost complimentary...

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Chris
29/6/2016 12:37:01 pm

No disrespect to Stuart Campbell (disrespect coming up), but he is considered to be a massive Camp-bell-end.

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King_Rocket
29/6/2016 12:21:22 pm

I always liked that pic of Carmack, it makes him look like a Warhammer Gretchen.

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Matthew link
29/6/2016 12:23:03 pm

I like how you explain that "bell" is referencing "bell end"!

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Chris
29/6/2016 12:25:25 pm

I once helped out a TV company who were producing a documentary about Braben, Bell and the creation of Elite. We had to look like we were in the 80s and 'play' Dungeons and Dragons on camera with two actors in my front room. I never found out what happened to the program.

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Nick R
5/7/2016 03:23:40 pm

Was it this one that Channel 5 broadcast?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rapa3VfUWfs

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britesparc
29/6/2016 12:27:32 pm

If i was Peter Molyneux I'd be so pissed off that I hadn't been included in the list...

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Peter Molyneux
29/6/2016 12:48:05 pm

If I was included on this list, it would have been the best, most offensive list item here. It would have had proper grown up swear words, complicated metaphors and violent undertones.

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britesparc
29/6/2016 02:01:50 pm

Oh, I really hope you're the real Peter Molyneux.

Stoo
29/6/2016 12:49:59 pm

Derek Smart is also saddened at his omission, I'm sure.

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Retrogamer
29/6/2016 12:48:59 pm

Cor... what a real fucking bellend you are.

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John Pickford link
29/6/2016 12:57:54 pm

You shall be hearing from our lawyers.

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Mr Biffo
29/6/2016 01:05:46 pm

I bet they live under a viaduct too.

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John & Ste Pickford's Lawyers
29/6/2016 01:14:41 pm

You shall also be hearing from OUR lawyers. Keep digging.

John & Ste Pickford's Lawyer's Lawyer
29/6/2016 03:35:11 pm

Sorry. What was that? I'm a bit deaf and it's very dark down here.

Simon W
29/6/2016 09:40:19 pm

I hope you don't really hear from the Pickfords' lawyers. I worry because I've heard from people who have had dealings with those two hobbits that they have a grossly exaggerated sense of their own importance.

Pickfords? DICKFORKS, more like. FORKS that have touched men's DICKS.

Jumbo Whiffy
29/6/2016 01:11:45 pm

I came here for a top of 10 spoons that look like things (though I would have settled for things that look like spoons). Is this not the place?

I'm not talking about penises btw.

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Matty
29/6/2016 01:43:52 pm

I've always been slightly fascinated by Will Wright's almost heroic lack of style. Those glasses! That beard! That *fucking* hair!

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AcidBeard
29/6/2016 10:36:37 pm

His middle name is just the letter E and he looks like a sexier David Guest RIP.

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Matty
29/6/2016 01:47:33 pm

I'm a bit worried at the pixellated part of the blueprint the Pickford's have. What is it that needed to be censored? Is it a big, gleaming glans?

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Voodoo76
29/6/2016 02:15:18 pm

Sandy White looks like an anorexic version of Arnie in Terminator 2.

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PeskyFletch
29/6/2016 05:54:43 pm

I had that exact thought too! You're my brain brother

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BrokenBritton
29/6/2016 02:41:57 pm

I notice you're not brave enough to insult retro lady games designers (I mean games designers from the past who are ladies). *Will this do?*

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Paul-Oh!
29/6/2016 04:29:05 pm

Mmm, tell me more about these "meadow muffins"...

No! wait! I think I just figured out what they are.

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Scottalot
29/6/2016 04:38:45 pm

Fact: I once looked up Jeff Minter's mother's house on Google Street View and through the windows one could see various cartoons of llamas. I mentioned this to him on Twitter and he blocked me.

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Bootle
29/6/2016 05:21:09 pm

I heard the Oliver Twins were actually Oliver Triplets, the third one being a programming genius.

He is unheard of however because the other two devoured him in the womb.

And they are famous for a game about a fragile egg man.

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PeskyFletch
29/6/2016 05:55:37 pm

This amused me more than it should have.

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Yack link
29/6/2016 09:44:15 pm

Yakkety Yack! Don't talk back. :-)

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Spiney O'Sullivan
29/6/2016 10:28:59 pm

You should start a fight with Yuji Naka. Think how many hits you'd get from the Sonic fans.

I'll start: Yuji Naka? More like Hugely Knackered!

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Gaijintendo
30/6/2016 08:36:22 am

Clearly a guest article by Minterbot.

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FatDave
1/7/2016 01:39:06 am

I should share this on the elite dangerous facebook group! Would cause the mother of all shitstorms!

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Damon link
2/7/2016 11:54:30 pm

Hey now will Wright is... well as much as I want to be a fan of his... *cough*

Anyway I always felt Kenny Craig does what we all would do with hypnotism.

Reply



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