"Hi guys. It's Noel Edmonds here, from the television. These days - between being REALLY positive, and my hate campaign against Lloyds Bank - I barely have enough time to blow-dry my silky fibres, wriggle around on my EMP pad, or talk to dogs on the telephone! Tee-hee!
"Much as I'd love to sit down and do nothing but play a big video game for months on end, I find that shorter indie releases are a better fit for my fervid lifestyle.
"Because I love sharing positive messages (unless you work for Lloyds Bank, in which case, I'm sorry, but I hope you die) here are five indie games - available for most formats - which have been presented to me.
"Following each precis, I'm going to tell you whether or not I liked the game enough to literally put it up my bumhole! I call this format 'Noel's In De Bumhole' (aka 'Noel's Indie Bumhole').
"Please don't steal the idea. I'm intending to pitch it as a primetime BBC1 show, and I've had enough stolen from me already (Lloyds Bank... the view out of my kitchen window - which has been spoiled by windfarms... and Noel's House Party, after it was wrongly cancelled by Auntie Beeb). For the record, I also think immigration has gone far enough. I'm sorry, guys, but it really has to stop.
"Noel Noel Noel Noel Noelnoelnoelnoelneol111010101011noel11011001111+++<ERROR>+++"
"Much as I'd love to sit down and do nothing but play a big video game for months on end, I find that shorter indie releases are a better fit for my fervid lifestyle.
"Because I love sharing positive messages (unless you work for Lloyds Bank, in which case, I'm sorry, but I hope you die) here are five indie games - available for most formats - which have been presented to me.
"Following each precis, I'm going to tell you whether or not I liked the game enough to literally put it up my bumhole! I call this format 'Noel's In De Bumhole' (aka 'Noel's Indie Bumhole').
"Please don't steal the idea. I'm intending to pitch it as a primetime BBC1 show, and I've had enough stolen from me already (Lloyds Bank... the view out of my kitchen window - which has been spoiled by windfarms... and Noel's House Party, after it was wrongly cancelled by Auntie Beeb). For the record, I also think immigration has gone far enough. I'm sorry, guys, but it really has to stop.
"Noel Noel Noel Noel Noelnoelnoelnoelneol111010101011noel11011001111+++<ERROR>+++"
CELESTE
These days, if you threw your pants into the air, chances are they'd land back down on a 2D pixel platformer's scalp!!!!! Because 2D pixel platformers are not exactly a rarity, see? That's what I meant by that. What I meant is that there's a lot of them. Like, loads and that.
Celeste, however, despite being a 2D pixel platformer, is less predictable than you may at first believe. From the outside it might just seem to be another cutesy, retro-homaging, romp, featuring a red-haired girl avoiding assorted perils as she climbs a mountain. But wait! Celeste's overt whimsy and charming story conceal some clever themes and a fearsome level of challenge, like sneaking a bag of ebola onto a plane inside a My Little Pony toy. Don't act like you've never tried it.
Aside from being a decent platformer in its own right, there are lots of clever little touches, from the way Celeste's hair changes colour when she's depleted her dash energy, to the audio cassettes she can collect which unlock tougher "B-side" versions of the levels.
Despite it being cut from a nicer sort of cloth, there's something slightly Super Meat Boy about the pacing, the nightmarish trial-and-error structure, and the way it gently introduces you to new gameplay elements. In short: nice one, love it. Let's have some more of that, yeah?
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"Yes, I'd love to put Celeste up my bumhole. Many thanks for asking."
Celeste, however, despite being a 2D pixel platformer, is less predictable than you may at first believe. From the outside it might just seem to be another cutesy, retro-homaging, romp, featuring a red-haired girl avoiding assorted perils as she climbs a mountain. But wait! Celeste's overt whimsy and charming story conceal some clever themes and a fearsome level of challenge, like sneaking a bag of ebola onto a plane inside a My Little Pony toy. Don't act like you've never tried it.
Aside from being a decent platformer in its own right, there are lots of clever little touches, from the way Celeste's hair changes colour when she's depleted her dash energy, to the audio cassettes she can collect which unlock tougher "B-side" versions of the levels.
Despite it being cut from a nicer sort of cloth, there's something slightly Super Meat Boy about the pacing, the nightmarish trial-and-error structure, and the way it gently introduces you to new gameplay elements. In short: nice one, love it. Let's have some more of that, yeah?
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"Yes, I'd love to put Celeste up my bumhole. Many thanks for asking."
MR SHIFTY
Mr Shifty looks like it's going to be a top-down shoot 'em up a la Hotline Miami, and though it shares a similar level of 2D violence... your character is never once armed with a firearm.
Instead, the titular thief dispatches enemies with punches, melee weapons and other items found dotted around the stages... as well as his ability to teleport (five times before he needs to hide somewhere until it recharges). It's sort of genius, the way in which it encourages you to experiment with your teleportation, often leading to adversaries cutting one another down with friendly fire.
U-S-A! U-S-A!
Furthermore, it's insanely addictive, a sort of fast-paced ballet of carnage, as you appear and disappear before your enemies' eyes. Rather than make you invincible, the game fights back, finding new ways to challenge your core ability, throwing an almost endless number of variations on its basic ideas at you.
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"Definitely! Mr Shifty is one game that I'm putting right up my dirty bumhole the first opportunity I get!"
Instead, the titular thief dispatches enemies with punches, melee weapons and other items found dotted around the stages... as well as his ability to teleport (five times before he needs to hide somewhere until it recharges). It's sort of genius, the way in which it encourages you to experiment with your teleportation, often leading to adversaries cutting one another down with friendly fire.
U-S-A! U-S-A!
Furthermore, it's insanely addictive, a sort of fast-paced ballet of carnage, as you appear and disappear before your enemies' eyes. Rather than make you invincible, the game fights back, finding new ways to challenge your core ability, throwing an almost endless number of variations on its basic ideas at you.
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"Definitely! Mr Shifty is one game that I'm putting right up my dirty bumhole the first opportunity I get!"
88 HEROES
The game at the heart of 88 Heroes isn't very good. That, however, isn't the point. Instead, what makes 88 Heroes rather novel is how it up-ends what it at first appears to be. You know: like a cake which resembles a pygmy.
To wit: it's a platform shoot 'em up... but you start with 88 lives, and each of those lives is represented by a different character, with a different set of abilities than the last. You never know quite what you're going to get - it might be a sword-wielding Conan knock-off, a hamster in a ball, or an absurd take on the old Windows paperclip. Discovering how to control your new character's abilities is half the fun. If you get the chance to...
You see now, 88 is very funny, significantly the way in which a new character will appear triumphantly, only to die immediately because you don't know how to control them.
Downside; your action is being viewed by a shadowy, ephemeral, figure, whose constant on-screen commentary and criticism distracts occasionally from just being able to get on with things. That's probably what it's like to be a Catholic!!!
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"I can take or leave this one, guys. Maybe I could just put it in my bumhole at weekends?"
To wit: it's a platform shoot 'em up... but you start with 88 lives, and each of those lives is represented by a different character, with a different set of abilities than the last. You never know quite what you're going to get - it might be a sword-wielding Conan knock-off, a hamster in a ball, or an absurd take on the old Windows paperclip. Discovering how to control your new character's abilities is half the fun. If you get the chance to...
You see now, 88 is very funny, significantly the way in which a new character will appear triumphantly, only to die immediately because you don't know how to control them.
Downside; your action is being viewed by a shadowy, ephemeral, figure, whose constant on-screen commentary and criticism distracts occasionally from just being able to get on with things. That's probably what it's like to be a Catholic!!!
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"I can take or leave this one, guys. Maybe I could just put it in my bumhole at weekends?"
STREETS OF RED
I do love a good scrolling beat 'em up, even though the genre had flopped out of favour in recent years. However, there appears to be a bit of resurgence of interest in scroll-o-fight-ohs going on, with several indie developers apparently stitching their snappers to this heavily overdue bandwagon.
Streets of Red is the first to heft itself off the cart, and adopts many of the tropes and cliches of the genre - as well as making a few overt nods to other games - while also doing much to debase them, straining the classic gameplay through the punctured tip of a rougelike Johnny.
The graphics are squat and stylised, and when enemies fall they do this: drop coins. These can be spent on upgrading your (choice of four not-that-different) characters between levels, or paying to revive them if they die. Timing your special attacks just right, and you'll typically get some sort of bonus.
It isn't perfect; the combat isn't as satisfying as, say, a Streets of Rage or Final Fight, and in the chaos on screen your character can get a bit lost. Also, the turgid colour choices can get a bit wearying after a while. Good fun in two-player though, if that's the sort of thing you care about, you friend-having scum.
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"Hmm. I really love putting things in my bumhole, but I'm not too sure about Streets of Red... Oh, to heck with it - let's put it up there (up in my bumhole)!"
Streets of Red is the first to heft itself off the cart, and adopts many of the tropes and cliches of the genre - as well as making a few overt nods to other games - while also doing much to debase them, straining the classic gameplay through the punctured tip of a rougelike Johnny.
The graphics are squat and stylised, and when enemies fall they do this: drop coins. These can be spent on upgrading your (choice of four not-that-different) characters between levels, or paying to revive them if they die. Timing your special attacks just right, and you'll typically get some sort of bonus.
It isn't perfect; the combat isn't as satisfying as, say, a Streets of Rage or Final Fight, and in the chaos on screen your character can get a bit lost. Also, the turgid colour choices can get a bit wearying after a while. Good fun in two-player though, if that's the sort of thing you care about, you friend-having scum.
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"Hmm. I really love putting things in my bumhole, but I'm not too sure about Streets of Red... Oh, to heck with it - let's put it up there (up in my bumhole)!"
NO THING
No Thing is a first-person endless runner. You know: one of those games where there's no stopping to take a breather, or have a poo at the side of the road.
Hardly an original idea, but No Thing wins points for its presentation. To wit: it's set in a surreal, psychedelic, and glitchy video world, which does its best to distract you from staying on the path. The screen will often flicker, darken, or throw other effects at you, while a disembodied commentator lobs vague, profound-sounding, statements your way - all in a bid to send you plummeting off the edge.
Frankly, there's not a lot more to it than that, and I can't promise that it'll be one you put a lot of hours into. On the plus side, the presentation is interesting, and it's only going to set you back a few quid. Let's face it, you were only going to spend that money on drugs.
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"Not really."
Hardly an original idea, but No Thing wins points for its presentation. To wit: it's set in a surreal, psychedelic, and glitchy video world, which does its best to distract you from staying on the path. The screen will often flicker, darken, or throw other effects at you, while a disembodied commentator lobs vague, profound-sounding, statements your way - all in a bid to send you plummeting off the edge.
Frankly, there's not a lot more to it than that, and I can't promise that it'll be one you put a lot of hours into. On the plus side, the presentation is interesting, and it's only going to set you back a few quid. Let's face it, you were only going to spend that money on drugs.
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"Not really."
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