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IT'S 'INDIE BUMHOLE' - with Noel edmonds!

18/7/2018

20 Comments

 
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"Hi guys. It's Noel Edmonds here, from the television. These days - between being REALLY positive, and my hate campaign against Lloyds Bank - I barely have enough time to blow-dry my silky fibres, wriggle around on my EMP pad, or talk to dogs on the telephone! Tee-hee!

​"Much as I'd love to sit down and do nothing but play a big video game for months on end, I find that shorter indie releases are a better fit for my fervid lifestyle.

"Because I love sharing positive messages (unless you work for Lloyds Bank, in which case, I'm sorry, but I hope you die) here are five indie games - available for most formats - which have been presented to me.

"Following each precis, I'm going to tell you whether or not I liked the game enough to literally put it up my bumhole! I call this format 'Noel's In De Bumhole' (aka 'Noel's Indie Bumhole').

"Please don't steal the idea. I'm intending to pitch it as a primetime BBC1 show, and I've had enough stolen from me already (Lloyds Bank... the view out of my kitchen window - which has been spoiled by windfarms... and Noel's House Party, after it was wrongly cancelled by Auntie Beeb). For the record, I also think immigration has gone far enough. I'm sorry, guys, but it really has to stop.

"Noel Noel Noel Noel Noelnoelnoelnoelneol111010101011noel11011001111+++<ERROR>+++"

CELESTE
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These days, if you threw your pants into the air, chances are they'd land back down on a 2D pixel platformer's scalp!!!!! Because 2D pixel platformers are not exactly a rarity, see? That's what I meant by that. What I meant is that there's a lot of them. Like, loads and that. 

Celeste, however, despite being a 2D pixel platformer, is less predictable than you may at first believe. From the outside it might just seem to be another cutesy, retro-homaging, romp, featuring a red-haired girl avoiding assorted perils as she climbs a mountain. But wait! Celeste's overt whimsy and charming story conceal some clever themes and a fearsome level of challenge, like sneaking a bag of ebola onto a plane inside a My Little Pony toy. Don't act like you've never tried it.

Aside from being a decent platformer in its own right, there are lots of clever little touches, from the way Celeste's hair changes colour when she's depleted her dash energy, to the audio cassettes she can collect which unlock tougher "B-side" versions of the levels.

Despite it being cut from a nicer sort of cloth, there's something slightly Super Meat Boy about the pacing, the nightmarish trial-and-error structure, and the way it gently introduces you to new gameplay elements. In short: nice one, love it. Let's have some more of that, yeah?

DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
​"Yes, I'd love to put Celeste up my bumhole. Many thanks for asking."
MR SHIFTY
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Mr Shifty looks like it's going to be a top-down shoot 'em up a la Hotline Miami, and though it shares a similar level of 2D violence... your character is never once armed with a firearm.

Instead, the titular thief dispatches enemies with punches, melee weapons and other items found dotted around the stages... as well as his ability to teleport (five times before he needs to hide somewhere until it recharges). It's sort of genius, the way in which it encourages you to experiment with your teleportation, often leading to adversaries cutting one another down with friendly fire.

​U-S-A! U-S-A!

Furthermore, it's insanely addictive, a sort of fast-paced ballet of carnage, as you appear and disappear before your enemies' eyes. Rather than make you invincible, the game fights back, finding new ways to challenge your core ability, throwing an almost endless number of variations on its basic ideas at you. 

DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"Definitely! Mr Shifty is one game that I'm putting right up my dirty bumhole the first opportunity I get!"
88 HEROES
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The game at the heart of 88 Heroes isn't very good. That, however, isn't the point. Instead, what makes 88 Heroes rather novel is how it up-ends what it at first appears to be. You know: like a cake which resembles a pygmy.

To wit: it's a platform shoot 'em up... but you start with 88 lives, and each of those lives is represented by a different character, with a different set of abilities than the last. You never know quite what you're going to get - it might be a sword-wielding Conan knock-off, a hamster in a ball, or an absurd take on the old Windows paperclip. Discovering how to control your new character's abilities is half the fun. If you get the chance to...

You see now, 88 is very funny, significantly the way in which a new character will appear triumphantly, only to die immediately because you don't know how to control them.

Downside; your action is being viewed by a shadowy, ephemeral, figure, whose constant on-screen commentary and criticism distracts occasionally from just being able to get on with things. 
That's probably what it's like to be a Catholic!!!

DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"I can take or leave this one, guys. Maybe I could just put it in my bumhole at weekends?"
STREETS OF RED
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I do love a good scrolling beat 'em up, even though the genre had flopped out of favour in recent years. However, there appears to be a bit of resurgence of interest in scroll-o-fight-ohs going on, with several indie developers apparently stitching their snappers to this heavily overdue bandwagon.

Streets of Red is the first to heft itself off the cart, and adopts many of the tropes and cliches of the genre - as well as making a few overt nods to other games - while also doing much to debase them, straining the classic gameplay through the punctured tip of a rougelike Johnny.

The graphics are squat and stylised, and when enemies fall they do this: drop coins. These can be spent on upgrading your (choice of four not-that-different) characters between levels, or paying to revive them if they die. Timing your special attacks just right, and you'll typically get some sort of bonus.   

It isn't perfect; the combat isn't as satisfying as, say, a Streets of Rage or Final Fight, and in the chaos on screen your character can get a bit lost. Also, the turgid colour choices can get a bit wearying after a while. Good fun in two-player though, if that's the sort of thing you care about, you friend-having scum.

DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
​"Hmm. I really love putting things in my bumhole, but I'm not too sure about Streets of Red... Oh, to heck with it - let's put it up there (up in my bumhole)!"
NO THING
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No Thing is a first-person endless runner. You know: one of those games where there's no stopping to take a breather, or have a poo at the side of the road.

Hardly an original idea, but No Thing wins points for its presentation. To wit: it's set in a surreal, psychedelic, and glitchy video world, which does its best to distract you from staying on the path. The screen will often flicker, darken, or throw other effects at you, while a disembodied commentator lobs vague, profound-sounding, statements your way - all in a bid to send you plummeting off the edge.

Frankly, there's not a lot more to it than that, and I can't promise that it'll be one you put a lot of hours into. On the plus side, the presentation is interesting, and  it's only going to set you back a few quid. Let's face it, you were only going to spend that money on drugs.

DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"Not really."
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20 Comments
Mark M
18/7/2018 11:49:53 am

I highly recommend BroForce - it's good fun, especially with mates and a few beers. Absolute chaos at times. :)

Reply
Dowser00
18/7/2018 02:39:38 pm

Seconded. Loads of fun and has an ott let's go USA vibe. As per 88 heroes you get a bro and they can last 10 seconds as they are so op or underpowered and you don't know how to handle them

Love this article hope it becomes a regular feature

Reply
Alastair
19/7/2018 11:16:56 pm

That's what I thought of too, good game.

Reply
Voodoo76
18/7/2018 12:35:34 pm

Noel is absolutely gorgeous, there is no doubting that. How long does his beauty regime take each day to achieve such perfection? Are there enough hours in the day? Does he have to reduce sleep to enable him to prep and lather?

Reply
Lummox60N
18/7/2018 12:47:49 pm

The look in Noel's eyes, up there...that look would suggest he's not been using anything quite as compact as an SD card for storage before insertion...

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Noel's bumhole
20/7/2018 12:40:18 pm

I reckon he's sticking a 5¼" floppy up there.

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Leigh
18/7/2018 01:43:20 pm

Against all rational expectations, this was very informative and I'll probably be buying some of these games. Furthermore, I believe it makes sense for any gaming publication that has previously abandoned a problematic scoring system to adopt the simple and effective bumhole method going forward, especially now that the initial horror has worn off.

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RichardM
18/7/2018 04:21:44 pm

Best thing Noel’s done since House Party (!?).

And thanks for including an iOS game, as always: I think I’ll give No Thing a go.

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Spiney O’Sullivan
18/7/2018 06:19:02 pm

It’s definitely better than the short-lived Noel’s HQ, which was a weird show about giving awards to people who did nice things that would randomly veer into Daily Mail territory with segments called things like “Broken Britain” and a lot of Union Jack-waving for reasons that I can’t remember.

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Adam
18/7/2018 05:26:02 pm

If this becomes a semi-regular feature (which I think it should) it might benefit from having Mr Biffo's artistic rendition of the beardy bank-botherer, rather than just a photo.

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Mr Biffo
18/7/2018 06:37:28 pm

Rest assured, Indie Bumhole shall return...

Reply
Adam
18/7/2018 08:07:16 pm

Good-oh!

ChorltonWheelie
18/7/2018 07:38:39 pm

Indie, indie, indie...good, good, good!

https://itch.io is where I go when I tire of my PC Master Race triple A-ness.

It's fab.
More of this sort of thing Bifoo.

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Robobob
18/7/2018 09:42:58 pm

Do you, and I'm just asking entirely randomly here, and not triggered by anything specific, ever worry about lawyers or stuff like that? Not that I have a specific reason for asking that, noooo.

I mean to be honest I've got no idea how it all works or anything, just, do you ever get phone calls from people going "um, could you just not, maybe?". Is that a thing?

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Robobob
18/7/2018 09:44:55 pm

I mean don't get me wrong, it's FUNNY, just wondering really.

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Mr Biffo
19/7/2018 07:17:07 am

Well, I've done a course on journalistic law, and I don't think I ever really stray into iffy territory. This, for example - without breaking down the funnies too much - doesn't really ever stray into dodgy territory. The opening section is entirely based upon things Noel has actually said (wind farms, immigration, EMP mats, dogs on the phone etc.)... and the shoving games up his bumhole is so obviously a parody, and not really him, there's no real issue there either. Making specific allegations about someone in a serious piece... that's when you get into trouble.

Treacle
18/7/2018 10:02:07 pm

The Edmond's Anus of Electronic Entertainment was most enjoyable. I look forward to our next passage through his claggy cranny.

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Mark M
19/7/2018 01:12:41 pm

So it sounds like Noel is using an Auxiliary Reviewing System Enhancement here (ARSE, ho ho).

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Rufio1980
19/7/2018 05:12:17 pm

More of this, please! I hope we get regular updates on what games are worthy of being lovingly shoved up Noel’s bumhole.

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Craig Grannell
21/7/2018 12:17:08 am

Warning to anyone thinking NO THING looks nice: by about level 5 it’s so infuriatingly difficult and frustrating it’ll make you want to punch a kitten.

Reply



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