"Hi, everyone. It's Noel here, with another edition of my newest TV show format, In De Bumhole.
"You know how it works: I assess the latest indie games, and decide whether I like them enough to shove up my bumhole.
"Some people have said to me that this format is a bit of a comedown since the days when Noel's House Party and Telly Addicts were the most popular shows on TV, but the BBC isn't what it once was.
"There's no place at Aunty Beeb for fun anymore, but that's the short of show I want to make these days - and there's nothing more fun than watching me shove an indie game up my bumhole! If any TV commissioners are watching, this show would take place in a stately home in a town called Itchy Penis, and I'd be joined by a hilarious comedy character called Mr Droplet.
"So come on, let's head on down to Itchy Penis with Mr Droplet and check out those indie games! Droplet! Droplet! Droplet!"
"You know how it works: I assess the latest indie games, and decide whether I like them enough to shove up my bumhole.
"Some people have said to me that this format is a bit of a comedown since the days when Noel's House Party and Telly Addicts were the most popular shows on TV, but the BBC isn't what it once was.
"There's no place at Aunty Beeb for fun anymore, but that's the short of show I want to make these days - and there's nothing more fun than watching me shove an indie game up my bumhole! If any TV commissioners are watching, this show would take place in a stately home in a town called Itchy Penis, and I'd be joined by a hilarious comedy character called Mr Droplet.
"So come on, let's head on down to Itchy Penis with Mr Droplet and check out those indie games! Droplet! Droplet! Droplet!"
BOXBOY + BOXGIRL (Switch)
Apparently, this is the fourth game in the Boxboy! series - it had a bit of a presence on the 3DS, by all accounts - but it's the first one I've heard of, let alone played. I now mostly regret this.
You see, Boxboy! + Boxgirl! is a splendid sort of platform puzzler, that I realised about halfway through is basically Tetris: The Platform Game.
It's a simple idea: as either of the title characters (or working together in two-player mode) you can squeeze boxes out of your body - creating tetronimo-esque shapes to overcome obstacles and puzzles.
It's a pure, simple, idea, which is explored in dozens of different ways; each of Boxboy! + Boxgirl!'s short worlds introduces new techniques for using the boxes (sliding them, pounding them into the ground, digging with them, using them as sort of grappling hooks).
The purity extends from the gameplay to the visuals, which are clean and minimalist, yet manage to evoke a certain pathos. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has wept at a box.
You see, Boxboy! + Boxgirl! is a splendid sort of platform puzzler, that I realised about halfway through is basically Tetris: The Platform Game.
It's a simple idea: as either of the title characters (or working together in two-player mode) you can squeeze boxes out of your body - creating tetronimo-esque shapes to overcome obstacles and puzzles.
It's a pure, simple, idea, which is explored in dozens of different ways; each of Boxboy! + Boxgirl!'s short worlds introduces new techniques for using the boxes (sliding them, pounding them into the ground, digging with them, using them as sort of grappling hooks).
The purity extends from the gameplay to the visuals, which are clean and minimalist, yet manage to evoke a certain pathos. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has wept at a box.
Unfortunately, despite being brilliant in almost every respect, there's one massive issue with Boxboy! + Boxgirl!, and that issue is this issue: It's too easy.
You know me: I like a game which lets me progress, and doesn't hit me over the head with bosses and restarting at checkpoints, but it turns out I also want some at least degree of challenge. Boxboy! + Boxgirl! offers almost no challenge whatsoever. And I say that as Britain's foremost idiot!
Admittedly, collecting all the crowns that are scattered through the levels isn't as simple as just rushing to the exit, but if you just want to ignore them - and there's no penalty for doing so - you'll rarely be vexed by the path ahead.
Worse still, on the off chance a solution isn't clear, well... good news, stupid and impatient people: you can purchase a hint using the copious in-game currency. Except it isn't a hint: it's a solution to whatever puzzle has befallen you.
I was continually expecting the game to get progressively tougher, and it sort of does, slightly, but overall the level of challenge remains locked at zero-point-one.
And that's a bit of a shame, because the basic concept here is otherwise quietly clever.
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"That would be great. Thanks."
You know me: I like a game which lets me progress, and doesn't hit me over the head with bosses and restarting at checkpoints, but it turns out I also want some at least degree of challenge. Boxboy! + Boxgirl! offers almost no challenge whatsoever. And I say that as Britain's foremost idiot!
Admittedly, collecting all the crowns that are scattered through the levels isn't as simple as just rushing to the exit, but if you just want to ignore them - and there's no penalty for doing so - you'll rarely be vexed by the path ahead.
Worse still, on the off chance a solution isn't clear, well... good news, stupid and impatient people: you can purchase a hint using the copious in-game currency. Except it isn't a hint: it's a solution to whatever puzzle has befallen you.
I was continually expecting the game to get progressively tougher, and it sort of does, slightly, but overall the level of challenge remains locked at zero-point-one.
And that's a bit of a shame, because the basic concept here is otherwise quietly clever.
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"That would be great. Thanks."
HOMO MACHINA (Switch/iOS/Android)
If you're old, you might remember the Numskulls, the Beano/Dandy comic strip about the little people who lived inside a person's head, and controlled all his vital functions. Younger readers may be familiar with Pixar's Inside Out, which was much the same idea, but for emotions - which are a sort of feeling that weak people have in their hearts.
Homo Machina takes the idea that we have a team of little people inside us, working our bodies like a factory, and turns it into a puzzle game.
Originally conceived for smartphones, this means that - unusually - you have to turn your Switch onto its end, and play entirely through the touchscreen. It's part edutainment, part puzzle game, with a rather sweet little story that runs through it.
Starting at the point your person wakes up, and continuing through his working day, onto a sexy date he has that evening, you're required to operate his various bodily functions (yes: including those ones) by tapping on the screen to activate machinery that simulates said functions.
The mouth, for instance, is a conveyor belt of grinding wheels and snip-snips... The nose is a tunnel of snot which must be cleared out with a hose so that the man can smell things... And then the smells have to be identified by the olfactory department, via a sort of tile game.
Homo Machina takes the idea that we have a team of little people inside us, working our bodies like a factory, and turns it into a puzzle game.
Originally conceived for smartphones, this means that - unusually - you have to turn your Switch onto its end, and play entirely through the touchscreen. It's part edutainment, part puzzle game, with a rather sweet little story that runs through it.
Starting at the point your person wakes up, and continuing through his working day, onto a sexy date he has that evening, you're required to operate his various bodily functions (yes: including those ones) by tapping on the screen to activate machinery that simulates said functions.
The mouth, for instance, is a conveyor belt of grinding wheels and snip-snips... The nose is a tunnel of snot which must be cleared out with a hose so that the man can smell things... And then the smells have to be identified by the olfactory department, via a sort of tile game.
The look of Homo Machine is based upon the illustrations of one Fritz Kahn, a pioneer in the field of infographics, whose books were placed on a list of "damaging and undesirable writing" by the Nazis. That alone should be enough to "pique" your curiosity, but Kaaaaahhhhn's work has been brought to life here in a way that's clever and charming.
Homo Machina is a short experience, but pretty cheap. Plus, while it lasts, it's absorbing and pleasant, and quite unlike anything else on the Switch. You might even learn something.
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"I'd love to do that, if it's at all possible. Thank you."
Homo Machina is a short experience, but pretty cheap. Plus, while it lasts, it's absorbing and pleasant, and quite unlike anything else on the Switch. You might even learn something.
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"I'd love to do that, if it's at all possible. Thank you."
KATANA ZERO (Switch/Steam)
In some respects, Katana Zero is almost a parody of modern indie games; pixel graphics, Neo-noir setting, a mentally damaged main character, synth wave soundtrack, VHS stylings... we've sort of seen stuff like this before in games such as Hotline Miami.
Unlike Hotline Miami et al, Katana Zero is a side-on hack 'em up, with a main character who can slow time for a few seconds. It's broken down into short levels, which are interspersed between a storyline which fills in your character's backstory, through visits to his therapist/handler.
Unusually, the latter sections take up almost as much as the "main" game - navigated through a series of conversations, with branching dialogue. It slows down the action, which irritated me at first, but gradually I became intrigued by the plot, and found it a respite from the rock-hard combat sections.
Katana Zero is, like so many action games, one in which you learn how enemies are going to behave, once you get to grips with your actions, and - in some cases - how best to use the environment (you can pick up bottles, knives, etc, to throw) to your advantage.
Success comes through dying repeatedly - but, mercifully, each stage is broken down into shorter sections, so the restart points are relatively close together. It's a violent tactical combat game, as much as it is about muscle memory.
Unlike Hotline Miami et al, Katana Zero is a side-on hack 'em up, with a main character who can slow time for a few seconds. It's broken down into short levels, which are interspersed between a storyline which fills in your character's backstory, through visits to his therapist/handler.
Unusually, the latter sections take up almost as much as the "main" game - navigated through a series of conversations, with branching dialogue. It slows down the action, which irritated me at first, but gradually I became intrigued by the plot, and found it a respite from the rock-hard combat sections.
Katana Zero is, like so many action games, one in which you learn how enemies are going to behave, once you get to grips with your actions, and - in some cases - how best to use the environment (you can pick up bottles, knives, etc, to throw) to your advantage.
Success comes through dying repeatedly - but, mercifully, each stage is broken down into shorter sections, so the restart points are relatively close together. It's a violent tactical combat game, as much as it is about muscle memory.
Katana Zero doesn't do a lot that's new, but it does it in a way that is solid and stylish, and - when you reach the end of a room, and you're treated to a replay - incredibly satisfying.
My main issue is simply one of originality. We've seen these psychotic protagonists and dystopian, retro-80s, futures so many times now that it's becoming something of a cliche. What Katana Zero does it does very well, but - much as I love me nostalgia - the constant fetishising of the 80s is getting a bit grating.
Something new now, yeah?
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"If it's okay with everyone, I'm very keen to put this in my bumhole. Come on. Let's make it happen. Cheers."
My main issue is simply one of originality. We've seen these psychotic protagonists and dystopian, retro-80s, futures so many times now that it's becoming something of a cliche. What Katana Zero does it does very well, but - much as I love me nostalgia - the constant fetishising of the 80s is getting a bit grating.
Something new now, yeah?
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"If it's okay with everyone, I'm very keen to put this in my bumhole. Come on. Let's make it happen. Cheers."
FLAPPY FIGHTER (iOS)
A mash-up of Street Fighter II and Flappy Bird shouldn't work as well as it does in Flappy Fighter, but somehow this free-to-play beat 'em up nails it.
Touchscreen controls rarely land when they're trying to be a joypad, but Flappy Fighter simplifies everything - with left/right, and a few attack buttons (two of which activate special moves at a touch). The aesthetic, the pace, the weight of the combat... it all feels spot-on.
The only downside - beyond a handful of unlockable costumes, and a promise to release new fighters every week - is how limited what's there is. Currently, all it offers is one fighter, and a sort of gauntlet mode, where you take on the AI in an endless series of battles.
But... what's here is SO good and SO authentic that, if its creator can keep it supplied with new modes and new characters, it has the potential to be something rather special.
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"Absolutely! This one has 'Noel's bumhole' written all over it! Many thanks."
Touchscreen controls rarely land when they're trying to be a joypad, but Flappy Fighter simplifies everything - with left/right, and a few attack buttons (two of which activate special moves at a touch). The aesthetic, the pace, the weight of the combat... it all feels spot-on.
The only downside - beyond a handful of unlockable costumes, and a promise to release new fighters every week - is how limited what's there is. Currently, all it offers is one fighter, and a sort of gauntlet mode, where you take on the AI in an endless series of battles.
But... what's here is SO good and SO authentic that, if its creator can keep it supplied with new modes and new characters, it has the potential to be something rather special.
DOES NOEL WANT TO PUT THIS GAME 'IN DE BUMHOLE'?:
"Absolutely! This one has 'Noel's bumhole' written all over it! Many thanks."
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