IF YOU'RE NOT TOO BUSY YOU COULD SPEND SOME TIME HAVING A LOOK AT THESE OLD DONKEY KONG STICKERS

Despite its origins as a tobacco company, and subsequent transformation into a chewing gum manufacturer (the company was responsible for the mono-eyed instigator Bazooka Joe), Topps is mostly synonymous with collectible trading cards.

In the 1970s it had great success with card sets based upon movie properties such as Star Wars and Superman: The Movie, yet it was only a matter of time before Topps dragged its sallow torso aboard the video game bandwagon (destination: Pootown!!!!).

​In 1982, Donkey Kong became the subject of the first video game cards produced by Topps - so named by its founders, as it aimed to become "top" of its field (it did) - and would kick off a relationship with Nintendo that would see two further sets of Nintendo-based cards released in the coming years. One of these would feature characters from the Zelda series, the other boasting cards and stickers depicting various bare-skinned despots (NES games such as Punch-Out and Double Dragon).

Apropos nothing, other than the fact they're a quirky and rather pretty part of Nintendo history, here's a gallery of these so-called Donkey Kong "cards".

"RUB-OFF"

Like most trading cards back in the day, the Topps' Donkey Kong cards came with a brittle oblong of stale bubble gum, which looked and tasted like a strip of leper biltong.

"MOVE UP LADDERS"

Topps' Donkey Kong cards borrowed/stole an innovation from rival trading card company Fleer; their 1980 Pac-Man cards featured mazes with scratch-off panels, intended to simulate a sort of interactive gaming experience.

Like lottery game cards - which are, along with fags, White Lightning and Paddy McGuinness, popular with the proletariat - the Donkey Kong cards featured rub-off silver "dots". These would help or hinder your progress, or award points, depending on what was revealed beneath. There was no actual prize at the end - and it was all rather arbitrary as opposed to a game of skill, see - but successful players could take solace in the knowledge that Chancey the Fortune Elf smiled fondly upon them.

Also, it ensured that in decades to come, finding a set of Donkey Kong cards intact, without any of the silver bits rubbed-off, would be virtually impossible. 

Interestingly - he says, presumptuously - the instructions for these cards referred to Mario as "Mario", rather than his original nickname of  Dong-Lord 5000 ("Jumpman").

"THIS WAY TO DONKEY KONG"

Gaming nonsense aside, the Donkey Kong packs contained collectible stickers, which featured some of the earliest depictions of Mario outside of video games. The basic Mario look is already intact - though his patently waxed moustache wouldn't look out of place in a hipster bar.

Thank Vishnu they beat that tendency out of him. Nobody wants a Mario whose Instagram feed is full of pictures of cold brew coffee in mason jars, and planks of wood covered in ethically-foraged kale and poutine foam, and who sits in cafes writing poems about urban beekeeping and crafting stilts for dogs.

"PRACTICE, MAN"

The stickers highlighted that, even then, Nintendo was conflicted over who the antagonist was in Donkey Kong; the titular ape, or the player-controlled character?

It's food for thought; who really wants to be considered the bad guy? Isn't everyone certain that they're the hero in their own story? Even Hitler probably saw his own life as a sort of romantic comedy, and that guy was an absolute shit. 

"HOP TO IT!"

Why do big, dumb, apes keep taking beautiful human women as their brides? First King Kong, then Donkey Kong, then Donald Trump.

​Yes: that is a cheap joke, but... well... these are desperate times.

"SNORT!"

The Donkey Kong stickers raised all sorts of questions - not least regarding the lines of communication between Topps and Nintendo. History records that the game's pitiful damsel in distress was called Pauline - but this sticker dehumanises her further by simply referring to her as "The Beautiful Girl".

Oh, Shigeru... will your misogyny never end?

"BR-R-RING ME LUCK!"

"I'M APE"

Whereas Mario/Jumpman was ostensibly the goodie in Donkey Kong, by the time of Donkey Kong Junior the roles had been reversed - with the son of Kong seeking to rescue his father from the clutches of the vengeful Italian. 

So, in the first game, Mario wants to kill Kong. In the second game he has him imprisoned in his cage. Then in Mario's solo games he's stamping on turtles. And this is who Nintendo choose as their corporate mascot? Could you imagine if Mickey Mouse behaved like that?

Or what about Donald Trump - the mascot of America? There'd be uproar from the opposition party (CNN and the lying media). Fake news! Sad. Etc. 

"BR-R-RING ME LUCK!"

"IT'S BETTER"

What is better? Please... please be more specific. You're scaring us all with your imponderable statements.

"STAY COOL"

And here we have it spelled out: Mario wasn't content to simply rescue The Beautiful Girl from the clutches of Donkey Kong... he wanted to kill him.

This is all the more troubling given that, as shown in this series of stickers, Donkey Kong is not some mindless animal - he has the capacity for reason, and sufficient intellect to speak English (which everyone agrees is the best language). In my book that amounts to murder. There, I said it: Mario is a murderer.

"MY HERO"

Limp innuendo about joysticks were a regular feature in games magazines of the late-80s and 90s. Topps may well be able to hold claim to starting the trend with its "Keep off my joystick" sticker. Of course, it's entirely possible that the statement was intended to be taken at face value, and there was no double meaning.

Then again, look at the image below it, and how Mario appears to be leaning away from The Beautiful Woman, as she moves to thank him sexually for rescuing her.

"Keep off my joystick - I'm riddled with syphilis."

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

For whom is that cake intended, Jumpman? Why are you pulling that evil face? Why is Donkey Kong in a barrel and what about that scenario constitutes fun? 

These are the profound mysteries of the Topps Donkey Kong trading card collection.

"BR-R-RING ME LUCK!"

"HONK"

This sticker is asking people to honk if they play Donkey Kong. It appears to be too small to be seen clearly by other motorists, so perhaps it isn't intended to be a bumper sticker at all. Potentially, you could place it on your refrigerator, and ask your family to honk like a "mad" goose at your next domestic gathering.

"THE BRAVE CARPENTER"

Wait... what? Carpenter? Like Jesus was? What? But... what? Plumb... er? No? He's a plumber! A PLUMBER! What heresy is this?!?

"You drive me bananas the way you keep changing careers, Mario."

"LET'S NAIL DONKEY KONG"

Yes, let's...

REAR END

​Collect the entire set of cards, and you'd be able to flip them over to create a pair of large images. It's worth taking a look at Donkey Kong and The Beautiful Girl at the top there; what's with all the moisture? Have they just been "doused"? We don't know.

​Maybe we'll never know... Quick - press reveal to read the words "BR-R-RING ME LUCK!"

REVEAL:

"BR-R-RING ME LUCK!"

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