Imagine it. You press a button. Bing! A crisp, £100 note materialises in front of you. But wait - there's a catch: pressing the button also means you just killed a games journalist. What would you do? Would you press the button again...? Let's see how far we can tempt you... This is Bartlett. He's a games journalist. He's written for websites and print magazines, and his own personal blog. He's never done wrong by anybody in his life. He's a sweet man. Quiet, happy, if a little socially awkward. Growing up, he just really liked his games. Yet if you press that button he's going to start foaming from every hole, and drop down dead - right there on the office carpet, in front of his colleagues. Obviously, that would be awful, even if he is a games journalist... And yet... and yet... ...Here's what you will receive if you press the button. Now what's it gonna be, kid? This is Bronzella. She's been a professional games journalist for nearly three years, putting that 2:1 in Cultural Studies to good use. She's already the news editor of the site she writes for. Despite that, she probably doesn't deserve to die any more than you do, even if she is writing a book of video game haikus from the point of view of her cat. However... press the button, and her light will be snuffed out in an instant. Nobody will ever even know it was you, and you'll be the proud owner of a £100 bill. We promise she'll barely even suffer. Plus nobody will ever have to read that book. Who's this guy? Why, it's Thommo. He's a games journalist too. All he does all day is play video games, and then write about them. That's his paltry contribution to the world. Right now he's working on a feature entitled "The Top 10 Video Game Squirrels". Press the button and his head will twist itself off... and you'll be one hundred pounds richer. How hard a decision can it be? You don't think he'd do the same if your roles were reversed? Just look at him. Of course he would. Now who's this? It's Chuffly, of course. He's a games journalist. An editor, in fact, of a leading video games magazine. He's been working in the industry for almost 20 years, yet has never been promoted to publisher. He's surrounded by writers half his age. It's no life. So press the button. Put him out of his misery. He's a disappointment to both himself and his family. Don't forget: you'll get £100 for doing this. Think what you could buy for that. It's almost enough for a cool drone. This is Peppo. She's the face of the website she works for, presenting the daily gaming news bulletin on the site's YouTube channel. She's not terrible at it, but she's not entirely comfortable in front of the camera either. Her instant death is but one button-press away - as is your next £100. If you kept this going you could be a millionaire before you know it - at the expense of a mere 10,000 games journalists. It's a small price to pay for the gift of untold riches. This is Conk. His favourite part of being a games journalist are the trips to E3 every year. Last time he was there he got drunk, and made a comment that sounded like it might've been body-shaming, but the bar was quite loud so nobody is entirely sure. Now his colleagues distrust him. Are they working with a misogynist? Why not do the decent thing: you can earn £100 right now by pressing the button, and sending the possibly sexist Conk to the grave. This is Svender. He writes for a smaller site that reviews mobile phone games, and has a YouTube channel where he gives away Game of Thrones spoilers that he's mostly stolen from other sites. Frankly, you'd be doing everyone a favour. Press the button. Press it now. And get ready to smell the sweet almond aroma of cold, hard, cash.
20 Comments
Adam
9/3/2016 04:55:06 pm
Are you alright Mr Biffo? Some of today's stuff indicates that you're having some kind of breakdown.
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Mr Biffo
9/3/2016 04:58:48 pm
You sound like a producer I worked with.
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Adam
9/3/2016 05:05:23 pm
Ha! Not guilty!
Superbeast 37
9/3/2016 05:07:57 pm
Look Biffo, I gladly killed the last brain surgeon on earth/last hope for the human race just so I could get a cutscene and trophy for finishing TLoU. I didn't even hesitate!
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Jeremy Anger
9/3/2016 05:36:50 pm
Where's the fecking button? I want to press it really bad now.
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mrak
9/3/2016 05:59:07 pm
Would push but would stop after *name redacted* was out of the way. Proceeds to charity. I'm not evil.
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I wonder if perhaps the definition of 'Journalist' has been stretched too far.
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9/3/2016 06:22:56 pm
Mr. Biffo - I initially thought this was going to be a list of real journalists, and you'd gone all GamerGate-y.
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Mr Biffo
9/3/2016 08:12:34 pm
Wait until you see tomorrow's lead feature...
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Euphemia
9/3/2016 08:43:31 pm
Are we finally getting treated to the video of you sawing PewDiePie's head off with an old, wooden coathanger? In a delightful, sylvan glade?
Spiney O'Sullivan
9/3/2016 09:30:57 pm
@Euphemia: What, like there aren't already enough videos of Pewdiepie shrieking incoherently? We don't need another.
Dr Kank
9/3/2016 06:40:33 pm
I think death is a step too far for me. I'd happy make use of a button that gave a video game journalist a Chinese Burn for 5 quid though..
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dan de la peche
9/3/2016 07:51:21 pm
I would hammer that button all day long, and for free, you can keep your money. The job is it's own reward.
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9/3/2016 08:00:41 pm
I think I know Conk. Otherwise, yes, I'll push the button.
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Stay
9/3/2016 09:07:34 pm
If by journalist you mean "youtube star" then I would hammering that button like running the 100 meter dash in Track & Field.
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Spiney O'Sullivan
9/3/2016 09:35:48 pm
I'm just not sure I could. There's always the chance of getting one of the staff of N64 Magazine. It's just not worth that risk.
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10/3/2016 02:04:01 pm
I'd hammer that fucker quicker than a game of Track & Field!!!
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NEG
10/3/2016 08:25:38 pm
What happens when I push the button once we've run out of games journalists?
Reply
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