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IF CLASSIC GAME CREATORS WERE MURDERERS WHAT SORT OF MURDERERS WOULD THEY BE?

1/2/2018

14 Comments

 
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The 1980s and 90s were a time of great creativity in the UK games industry. Small teams embraced the limitations of the available hardware to produce experiences which had to rely on quirks of imagination, rather than raw power. Little wonder, then, that the developers of this era were far more visible than their modern counterparts - and that their names have become legend.

But what if these gaming greats weren't computer game developers? What if they were, in fact, murderers? What crimes would they commit? Here are ten figures from the golden era of games creation, along with 10 crimes that they never committed, but look as if they might have done in some hypothetical scenario. 
MATTHEW SMITH
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Matthew Smith is best known for creating the legendary ZX Spectrum platformers Manic Miner and Jet Set Willy. He later disappeared from the games industry, and his current whereabouts are unknown.
PRESS REVEAL FOR HYPOTHETICAL CRIME DETAILS:
Went on knife rampage in a shopping centre while shouting something about "Powerful witches". Stabbed 12 people, two of whom later died from their wounds.
JEFF MINTER
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Jeff Minter is one of the UK games industry's greatest mavericks, creating surreal and psychedelic masterpieces such as Attack Of The Mutant Camels, Tempest 2000 and Space Giraffe.
PRESS REVEAL FOR HYPOTHETICAL CRIME DETAILS:
Beat a London Zoo employee to death with a bin when he was refused access to the penguin enclosure.
JON HARE
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As one of the founder members of Sensible Software, Jon Hare was behind such smash hits as Cannon Fodder and Sensible Soccer. 
PRESS REVEAL FOR HYPOTHETICAL CRIME DETAILS:
Shot an intruder who had broken into his farmhouse.
MEL CROUCHER
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As much artist as game designer, Croucher created the unique and bemusing Pimania and Deus Ex Machine.
PRESS REVEAL FOR HYPOTHETICAL CRIME DETAILS:
Leader of a sex cult, where he went by the name The Harbinger. Poisoned almost 200 cult members in a murder-suicide pact.
JON RITMAN
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Jon Ritman created Match Day for the ZX Spectrum, before moving onto the legendary isometric titles Head Over Heels and Batman.
PRESS REVEAL FOR HYPOTHETICAL CRIME DETAILS:
Pushed his father out of a moving car on the motorway following an argument over the differences between rivers and streams.
ARCHER MACLEAN
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Dropzone, International Karate, and Jimmy White's Whirlwind Snooker are just three of the games Maclean was responsible for.
PRESS REVEAL FOR HYPOTHETICAL CRIME DETAILS:
University sex game gone wrong.
DINO DINI
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Dino Dini - full name Dinosaur Dinisaur - created the famous Kick-Off series. He recently returned with Dino Dini's Kick Off Revival.
PRESS REVEAL FOR HYPOTHETICAL CRIME DETAILS:
Strangled his au pair for forgetting the glacé cherry on his breakfast grapefruit.

SANDY WHITE
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Sandy White created the pioneering and atmospheric Ant Attack and Zombie Zombie.
PRESS REVEAL FOR HYPOTHETICAL CRIME DETAILS:
Crashed his Mini Metro into a pub, killing three people and a dog.
LORD BRITISH
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Lord British - real name Richard Garriott - created the Ultima series of role-playing games. He recently sold some of his blood on eBay, and went into space as a private astronaut (an astronaut for money - he'll do what you want him to do). 
PRESS REVEAL FOR HYPOTHETICAL CRIME DETAILS:
Shot a TV producer for not commissioning his unsolicited Star Trek: Voyager spec script.
TOBY GARD
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Gard was a key member of the team behind the original Tomb Raider. 
PRESS REVEAL FOR HYPOTHETICAL CRIME DETAILS:
Placed classified ad looking for people who were willing to come to his house and let him cook and eat them, then dissolved the bones of his victims in a barrel of acid.
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14 Comments
Mr Observant
1/2/2018 09:28:50 am

It's remarkable how many of these look like they could be actual serial killers. I guess that's the point? Except for Archer Maclean: he looks like a Tory bumchum. Not that there's anything wrong with that -- he just looks like one. A mass-murdering Tory bumchum who, when not out bumming and murdering rent boys and ripping the soul out of Welsh mining communities, wrote Jimmy White's Whirlwind Snooker. Smart chap.

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Kelvin Green link
1/2/2018 10:12:35 am

No Molyneux?

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David W
1/2/2018 10:13:07 am

The Harbinger? Why not The Fertilising Agent?

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Col
1/2/2018 10:37:08 am

Ha! These are excellent pictures! If these classic game creators were murderers, which I'm sure they are not, then their victims would all be found in 8 bits.

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Hamptonoid
2/2/2018 09:04:39 pm

That didnt get the credit it deserved.

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Wrist Flapper
1/2/2018 10:42:17 am

Not sure why my brain went there, but Jon Hare looks like an extra from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet.

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Darren Lock link
1/2/2018 11:32:19 am

And Molyneux killed the truth on a number of occasions...

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DEAN
1/2/2018 12:58:36 pm

All brilliant but Jon Ritman is just too much - can't stop laughing!

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Robobob
1/2/2018 08:21:59 pm

I'm going to be laughing at this for weeks: "Dino Dini - full name Dinosaur Dinisaur "

Also now I've realised the (sort of) similarity in his name, I can't help but sing it to the theme tune of classic ice cream ad Gino "Tutti Frutti what a cutie" Ginelli.

DINO O DINO DINILLI

Or something.

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Col
1/2/2018 11:34:01 pm

Toby Gard appears to have trained his creation to leap up and "blow a trump" in his ear.

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James "James" Walker link
1/2/2018 11:59:31 pm

Cool story bro, you should follow it up with if real life murderers were games designers what games would they have made.
Fred West gotta have done Tetris.

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James Walker link
2/2/2018 12:02:26 am

Or Code Masters totally fantastic Rape Murser simulator!!!!!

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Heywood
2/2/2018 02:51:31 pm

I seem to remember a B3TA joke quiz ... "serial killer or software developer?"

ah yes, here it is ... I don't want to enable everything it needs to run, but you might http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

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Chris Wyatt
6/2/2018 09:12:42 pm

Matthew Smith was found eventually!

http://www.carlylesmith.karoo.net/spectrum/matsmith/

I must admit to being quite a Manic Miner fan, and I have been interested in Matthew Smith activities for quite a while. I do remember there was a long time when no one was quite sure where he was!

Actually, seeing as that time of his life was so little documented, perhaps he might've killed someone? Heck, he might not even remember it.

Reply



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