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HOW TO BE A WRITER (IF YOU'RE ME) - by Mr Biffo

18/5/2016

43 Comments

 
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I rarely read books as a kid. It was always comics, or magazines.

Reading 2000AD, I was always fascinated by the "Credit Card" accompanying each strip, which listed the writer's name. Who were Alan Grant, John Wagner, TB Grover, and Pat Mills? How come the artist didn't just make up the words too?

Doctor Who Weekly was particularly important to me, and it was - and still is, as Doctor Who Magazine - the only publication to really shine a spotlight on TV writers. 

Planet of Death on the ZX Spectrum was the first game I remember playing which had a story, of sorts. A text adventure, it was potentially the first time I ever read a story told entirely through words. And, as a wise man once said - the pictures were so much better.

​So, I suppose I've always had a fascination with writing and writers, but for much of my life it never seemed to me like something I could do, or would want to do. And yet here I am at the ripe old age of 83; a games journalist - of sorts - since the age of 21, and a TV scriptwriter since my late-20s.

I don't tend to write or talk about my day job very often. People tend to have one of two reactions - jealousy, as if the simple fact of saying you're a writer is somehow showing off - or fascination, as if it's the single most exciting job in the world.

​The reality is quite different. And as I'd had a few requests from people asking about what we writers do, I thought I'd take the opportunity to talk about how I got here, and lob in a few of the lessons I've learned along the way. I hope it isn't boring!!!!!

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​NEVER WRITE
The fact I never saw myself as somebody who could write is perhaps why I've never allowed "writer" to become my identity.

Many writers I've met will place that at the forefront of who they are. No job has ever defined me, and writing - which really is my job, rather than my life - is no different.

​There are a lot of bad writers working today, though. They think they can do it - and because they're dogged, they might get the work - but being completely honest it's not a job that everyone is suited to. It can be relentlessly battering, and I've known good writers who simply can't take those knocks.

However, I can normally spot someone who possesses that writing gene from something as simple as how they can construct a sentence. Yet it's rare to get someone who can do it, who will also be ignorant and stubborn enough, like me, to actually push through the negatives.

WIRED UP
I don't tend to think my brain is wired any differently to other people, but many close to me have taken issue with that statement, when I've raised it.

Trying to look objectively, I'm clearly capable of juggling a lot of batons at once. Ideas do spill out of me, and - even if you just look at Digi2000 alone - clearly, I write copiously. For me, writing is just a method of conveying ideas, whether that writing comes in the form of a games review, a script, a comic strip, or prose. Once those ideas pop into my head, I have to get them out. It's how I imagine it must be to suffer from Tourette's syndrome.

TITTYBOLLOCKS! WOOF! OI!

At school, I enjoyed writing stories in English, but my grasp of language let me down. Plus I would rush, my handwriting becoming illegible as I tried to get the ideas out of my head as quickly as possible. And I still do that - thank Wozniak for word processing software, otherwise nobody would be able to tell what I was on about.

​It's why I always gravitated more towards Art than English - back then, I found it quicker to portray an idea visually than through words. I finished my six hour Art O Level in about ninety minutes. And rather than draw a straightforward woodland scene, like we'd been told to, I put a creepy druid in it. Holding a dagger. And I did it in pastels rather than paint, because I knew it'd help me get out of there as quickly as possible.

Looking back now, I tended to avoid the obvious, because of my short attention span. I always wanted to create new stuff, rather than pay obvious tribute to things that already existed, which might bore me. When I entered a holiday camp fancy dress competition, my friend and I dressed up as a pair of super-heroes: Super-Twit and Dum-Dum. We didn't win, perhaps because the judges couldn't understand why we hadn't just dressed up as Batman and Robin or A Soldier like all the other kids.

KNIFE & WIFE
The first scripts I wrote were weird little comedies that I'd record with friends on a cassette deck I got for my twelfth birthday.

Then I gravitated to cartoon strips, initially influenced by comics like Whizzer & Chips, Topper, Krazy and Nutty. Bananaman was a big favourite.

But then I started getting more peculiar with my ideas, feeling constrained by the concepts of other people. I created strips with names like Knife & Wife, Superflooseman, Norman The Foreman. I'd make fake newspapers and magazines, and get my dad to photocopy them at work.


I'd draw multiple comics on sheets of A3, and have the characters spilling out of the panels, interacting with one another. Inspired by the likes of Python and The Young Ones, I tried to break down the walls of the existing format, for my own entertainment. 

In my last couple of years at school I began writing my Hoon Shows - full of Pythonesque whimsy, which my friends and I would put on in lunch breaks and end-of-term assemblies.

Once I left school, inspired by 2000AD and Deadline, I dreamt of being a comics artist, and drew strips almost constantly. But I told myself it was always about the art - at least consciously. Only now do I realise that I rarely drew or painted anything which wasn't underpinned with a story.


I once created a Dark Knight-esque take on The Wizard of Oz, which featured a Munchkin Town populated by miniature Doctor Who actors. I showed it off to the editor of 2000AD at a comics convention, who was kind enough to invite me to his office, where he gave me a Judge Dredd spec script to illustrate.

Which I then ballsed up in spectacular style by overthinking it; something I've done more than once when given a big break. The story was about a demonic motorbike, with a malfunctioning AI - it eventually appeared drawn by a different artist, if you want to track it down.

I got a job as a graphics artist, for which I made silly little cartoons rather than the straightforward animated horses they'd required... and then another, and then another - this time for Teletext. Somehow it never dawned on me that I'd ever be a writer, or would ever want to be.


And then I stumbled into Digitiser. And discovered what had been staring me in the face all along: that I loved writing more than I did drawing.
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RELENTLESSLY DARK AND WEIRD
The first script Tim - you know him as Mr Hairs - and I wrote together was called We Two Vets.

It was a shamelessly dark and weird radio sitcom about a megalomaniacal vet and his idiot assistant. Fairly wanton with its animal abuse - in one scene, and entire herd of cattle is chewed up by a combine harvester - there was no way it was ever getting made.

Pretty much every broadcaster and production company turned it down... apart from Planet 24 - where it had been read by one Robert Popper, and a man called Mark Freeland. I owe both my writing career. If they hadn't enjoyed the script enough to buy an option in it - £250 shared between Tim and I - I wouldn't have continued. Even though it never got produced, selling my first proper script was sufficient encouragement to keep me going.

When it was clear that it wouldn't get made, we wrote a couple of other scripts; one about a detective agency (Husk & Hornblower), and one about a pre-Yewtree 70s celeb trying to make a comeback (Bobby Carr is Coming Back).

THE BREAKUP
I thought Tim and I would continue as a writing partnership - working with him, I thought, was what I enjoyed, rather than the writing itself - but when he disappeared to write his first travel book, I continued alone. And, surprisingly, found myself still enjoying it, once I got over the shock of abandonment.

What happened next took years, during which I continued with Digitiser, and Robert and Mark both continued to take chances on me. Robert - by then working at Channel 4 - commissioned me to write an animated Knife & Wife pilot for their Comedy Lab series (beautifully animated, but I lost my nerve and the writing wasn't up to snuff), and Mark - at Sky by this point - commissioned me to write a screenplay for a film called North of Watford. He also got me an agent into the bargain.

Then Robert put me in touch with a friend of his who was producing Sooty, and everything changed. From there I got work on My Parents Are Aliens, and that's when my career took off; those two shows really helped me to understand the language of script writing. By this point I'd fallen in love with the process, the rhythm of words. And in particular, I fell in love with writing for kids.

So, ​I've been lucky. I've worked on a lot of interesting shows, been up for some awards - and won some - and got to do some interesting things and meet some interesting people. But... I've worked for it. Really, really bloody hard. Because you have to.

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THE MYTH
Writing tends to get romanticised. Some writers play up to that tortured writer myth. Wandering on mist-shrouded moorlands, wracking their souls for inspiration. Cutting open their chests, and letting their heart bleed onto the paper.

Many writers are so consumed by the notion of writing that it's all they can write about - how many Stephen King stories have featured writers? How many movies are about writers? 

Maybe it is a grand, meaningful vocation for some, but for most of us at the coalface - trying to make a living out of it, trying to pay mortgages and support families - it's just hard graft, like any job where you have to keep paddling to stay afloat.


There's a limited talent pool in the UK, and it's even smaller in kids TV where I do most of my work. Jobs are hard to come by, and so it's difficult to turn them down when they do arise. The first six months of any given year tend to be eyewateringly relentless - most kids TV shows film during the school summer holidays, see - while the latter half of the year is anxiety-inducingly barren. It often makes for a very insecure existence.
​
Which, y'know... isn't a whinge. Lots of jobs have the axe hanging over them. Pretty much any freelancer knows what I'm talking about. And at least I'm not working at an actual coalface.

But there's something about writing which induces insecurity; that mix of writing scripts being hard, with the fear that you'll never work again. Throw in script notes which scream that you can't do your job, coupled with trying to second-guess what's going to please your producers - rather than writing what pleases you - and it can prove toxic.

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INSECURE
Most of the time, with a relatively successful career behind me, I don't suffer from the self-doubts which plague many writers; that sense you hear mentioned of "Waiting to be found out".

​Largely, I know I'm decent at my job - and that's not arrogance. It's a simple fact that I have to be at least half-good in order to continue working, same as a bus driver needs to be decent at driving a bus.

But occasionally the doubts creep in, and all it can take is a couple of tricky scripts. Last year was a case in point. I had three scripts across two different shows that just weren't working. It didn't help that I think I was exhausted and burnt out from the previous year - in which I'd taken on far too much - and was worried about the questions swirling around the future of the BBC.

As a result, my usual mental resources weren't available, and I started to wonder whether I was ever going to write again. I became paranoid, insecure. And when that happens it has a knock-on effect... and it started to affect all the other scripts I was working on. I don't think I produced a single script last year that I was proud of. It was horrible.

Fortunately, the quiet Autumn which followed allowed me to regain some equilibrium. This year I'm working well, producing good stuff, and haven't taken on too much. 

CRYSTAL TIPS 
​So, lots of people want to write, it seems. I can't speak for what drives them, their passion - that was never in me. But I can talk about what has worked for me. If all of the above hasn't put you off giving it a go... see how you swallow this lot - my tips for being a TV scriptwriter:

Write what you know.
The best writing has some degree of truth in it. Some emotional hook for the writer. To do it well, you'll end up strip-mining your emotional baggage, wringing dry every last anecdote, and writing versions of people you know into your stories. Even surreal comedy derives from personal experiences; you take what you know, and pump hallucinogenic drugs into it.

Read other scripts.
In my early days, everything I wrote read like a Bruce "Withnail & I" Robinson script. I loved his use of language, his poetic stage directions. Nobody else writes like that - as I soon realised - but through copying his style I learned to find my own voice.

Say yes to everything.
At least, say yes to everything early on. If I hadn't taken on Sooty - a job that some friends couldn't believe I'd accepted - I wouldn't have a career today. Also, the more work you do with different people, the more contacts you build up. Something I've learned from producers is that they like to work with the same people again and again.

The more producers and script editors you know - who like working with you - the more work you'll have. And the more work you have, the more secure you'll be. I don't know about other writers, but I write better when I'm happy and safe.

Don't be a dick.
Be easy to work with. Don't challenge every note. Don't miss deadlines. Don't dominate every meeting because you like the sound of your own voice. Don't gossip. Don't let your insecurity get the better of you. At least look as if you enjoy what you're doing.

It's important that people trust you to deliver the goods, important that you're a pleasure to be around. Working in TV is awful enough as it is without having to work with difficult writers. Being a professional writer will make you paranoid regardless, so try not to give yourself extra reason to be paranoid.

Buy the Final Draft software. 
Seriously. Don't bother even trying if your scripts aren't properly formatted. It's unprofessional, it'll look like you don't know what you're doing.

Don't expect to be an overnight success.
It took me about six years, perhaps longer, to be able to make a proper living out of writing for TV. And during that time I was, for the most part, writing scripts every day. I was just on the verge of giving up - I'd stopped writing and sending out pilot scripts - when I got the call about Sooty. Make sure you keep writing - it's the only way to improve. If it's really what you want to do, don't give up. 

Brace yourself for unemployment.
I'm never totally employed for 12 months of the year. I try to set enough plates spinning that I usually have something in development, but that can take years... during which time you might not earn a lot of money. When the phone doesn't ring for a while, it's easy to fear you'll never work again. Having something as a back-up can be useful.

Also, it's worth noting that I don't know a lot of old writers... I'm certainly at the upper limit of the age demographic. Not sure what that'll mean for me going forward. See? It's an insecure business.

Live your life.
It's a shame that holidays aren't really tax deductible - unless you can somehow spin them as "research" - because it's important to feed that creativity. I know when I'm a year away from my last holiday, because my batteries start running low.

Whenever I get back from a trip - particularly a place or an experience I've never seen before - it tends to sustain me for months. Having been away at Easter this year, which I don't normally do, I've noticed the positive affect it has had on my work. Try to stuff your life with as much experience as possible. Do new things. Go to new places. Feed your brain and soul.

Hollywood is mental.
I've had a couple of experiences with Hollywood, and both times I've come away reeling; "Whu... whu... what jussss happen??". Everything you've heard is true. One day they're telling you you're going to be the next big thing. The next they're not even answering their phone to you. Literally. It's bonkers.

And that's it, off the top of my head. That's all the advice I have. Let me know if you want me to talk about this stuff again, and whether this has been useful and interesting. I got a ton of it.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​GAMES OF MY YEARS: DIGITISER - Part One by Mr Biffo
43 Comments
Damon link
18/5/2016 01:32:22 pm

I'd say keep going with this. I think it's interesting but then I've done scripts...

On that note what does Final Draft do that I can't do myself? I've been formatting my scripts pretty well just in a word processor and they match pretty accurately scripts I've read.

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Mr Biffo
18/5/2016 01:35:44 pm

FD does it all automatically, so you know that everything is at least aligned correctly. Plus it saves so much time - remembering locations, characters, etc. for you. Plus... when you send scripts to people, they generally want it in a FD format. It makes it easier for them to edit.

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Damon link
18/5/2016 02:01:57 pm

So... it's the Photoshop of the writing world, basically. Ah well.. what's another $300 piece of software... after Adobe Illustrator, Photoshop and InDesign...

Aslan
18/5/2016 01:33:08 pm

SOOTY: "..."

BIFFO: "THIS SHIT WRITES ITSELF!"

Excellent article, Mr. B. Yes I would like more.

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Mr Biffo
18/5/2016 01:36:04 pm

Cheers, ears. I'll try and provide.

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Wicked Eric
18/5/2016 01:55:16 pm

Have you ever submitted a Future Shock?

I had an idea for one once about generic video game baddies getting a bollocking at their employee appraisal and being put on the 'explosive barrel shift' as punishment.

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Mr Biffo
18/5/2016 03:23:27 pm

I had an idea for one aeons ago, but no... never submitted it. And now I've not read 2000AD in years.

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Dr Kank
18/5/2016 01:57:53 pm

Something I've been wondering ever since yesterday when I finished my last short story for a creative writing course, is that if you base characters on people you know, how do they react when they read your work?

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Mr Biffo
18/5/2016 03:24:28 pm

Well... none of the people I've used have ever read my stuff! And I don't think it's every as straightforward as writing them as they actually are. It's heightened, remixed. People I know are usually just a jumping off point. And really... all my characters are versions of me.

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Dr Kank
18/5/2016 05:04:18 pm

Err yeah, I didn't disguise these characters very well. Even the names were similar.

Mr Biffo
19/5/2016 07:54:40 pm

Hahahahaha!

Acid_Arrow
18/5/2016 02:17:58 pm

Fascinating stuff. I can see why Robert Popper would have liked your work, he seems to have a great sense of how to teeter just over the edge of disturbing surreality (if indeed that is a word).

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Aslan
18/5/2016 02:30:04 pm

Indeedy, I thunked the same thing. Popper/Serafinowicz's first series of Look Around You is a much-loved and chipped china dog on the hearthplace of my ongoing love affair with surrealism.

It's as they say! "Once you Popper... you can never go back to your family again"

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Aslan
18/5/2016 02:33:37 pm

Oh and the association made me love Biffo a tiny smidgeon more, if you can even measure love in fractions of small pigeons.

Spiney O'Sullivan
18/5/2016 08:40:08 pm

That show is brilliant. Speaking of surreal telly, it still saddens me that we never got another episode of Biffovision. I assume that the BBC owns the publishing rights to it, but if not, please get it on iTunes, Biffo. I would pay money for that.
(I was originally going to say to put it on DVD, then I realised I might as well ask you to just phone people up and recite the script upon request, scratch it into a cave wall, or even more uselessly, stick it on a Minidisc)

Mr Biffo
18/5/2016 10:46:19 pm

I'd have loved more Biffovision too. I do have dreams of putting together a Biffovision-esque show that's also a sort of Top Gear for games...

Spiney O'Sullivan
19/5/2016 12:24:34 am

Games plus casual racism? Sounds like a hit!

Seriously though, I like the idea, though I'm not sure mainstream TV is ever going to "get" gaming. Though I fondly remember Consolevania and Bits, in their awful doomed timeslots.

Mr Biffo
18/5/2016 03:25:30 pm

Cheers, chaps.

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Retro Resolution link
18/5/2016 03:19:32 pm

Thoroughly engaging, Mr. B. I for one welcome any further installments you can muster.

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Mr Biffo
18/5/2016 03:25:55 pm

Ta, RR. I'll see what I can do.

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RG
18/5/2016 03:38:58 pm

Very useful / very interesting - I likey!

I would love to write for a living and have had many ideas that I would like to develop, but alas - I know that I lack the talent and patience. And as a favourite author author says - a great idea is worth exactly nothing without months and months of hard work.

Out of curiosity - have you tried or do you think you would like to try writing a novel?

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Mr Biffo
18/5/2016 03:50:34 pm

I keep thinking about it. The trouble is... there's very little money in books. I'm not mercenary, but I'd still need to keep the lights on while getting it written. I had a deal on the table to write a travel book some years back, but then I had a kids TV show greenlit, and I had to choose between the two. Sadly, it meant taking the one that was going to most pay the bills. Hopefully one day. There's all sorts I want to do, if I can just carve out the time.

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Kelvin Green link
18/5/2016 05:54:02 pm

More of this please!

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PS1Snake
18/5/2016 07:49:21 pm

Thanks for the article Biffo.
Do you have any tips for stimulating creativity? Where does the inspiration for your bizarre pieces come from? I've notice how you neatly weave unrelated ideas and metaphors into your writing.
I'd like to develop this kind of skill, but invariably find it difficult to do so.
Is it just a case of reading widely and drawing from everyday life experiences? Do I have to be a well travelled person? Or is there a specific path to follow?

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Mr Biffo
18/5/2016 10:44:11 pm

Man... I really don't. I honestly can't say where my inspiration comes from. It's just kind of... there. And always has been, really. Certainly, when writing stuff that's more formalised or formatted - scripts for existing shows - it helps to have a life to draw on. But we've all got that. That's no help, is it?

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PS1Snake
19/5/2016 12:33:39 am

Yeah, it's a difficult one. I remember that you said you never did a creative writing course so I just presumed there was a sort of "method" to the creative writing. I try to expose my mind to as a many things as possible (books, TV, films, people) yet I struggle to extract the inspiration from these sources and then translate it into my writing Perhaps I need to start making notes when I read books or watch things.
Anyway, thank you for the response.

Mr Biffo
19/5/2016 07:32:26 am

It's frustrating to not be able to talk about it, but there really is no method or process. I just sit down and do it. It isn't even like turning on a tap - it's sort of always there, swirling around. My partner says I'm "not normal", so I dunno. I'm normal to me.

Mrtankthreat
18/5/2016 08:12:58 pm

Loved this. I'm a mature student doing a creative digital media degree and screenwriting has been my one of favourite modules so far. Here's a thing though: whenever I submit a script for an assignment, the ones I'm really happy with get lower marks than the stuff I half arse. Is this a common thing?

Also have you ever tried https://www.celtx.com/index.html What advantages would Final Draft have over it. Is it worth paying for Final Draft when the basic Celtx is free?

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Mr Biffo
18/5/2016 10:45:03 pm

Hmm. Never heard of Celtx. Can you save as Final Draft-compatible files? If so, that might do you. The main benefit of FD - aside from it being great, and saving you time - is that everyone in the industry uses it.

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Mrtankthreat
18/5/2016 11:22:02 pm

You download your file from Celtx as a pdf.

Mr Biffo
19/5/2016 07:31:02 am

Yeah, I had a look and saw that. It'd probably do you for now, but if you ever get a professional gig... probably worth investing in FD.

Euphemia
19/5/2016 12:00:03 am

Always interesting to read about how writers do what they do and why. I haven't got a creative bone in my entire peen, and find the prospect of freelancing it terrifying. Well in awe of those of you who make a go of it.

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Mr Biffo
19/5/2016 07:28:15 am

But whyyyyyy? From where I'm standing, I honestly don't get why it's something to be in awe of. It's a useless skill. Most days I'd rather be able to put up wallpaper, or rewire a light socket!

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Euphemia
19/5/2016 01:17:25 pm

It's like watching a tightrope walker. Not in itself that useful a skill, and you wouldn't catch me up there, but as I can't do it there's a distinct whiff of glamour and cool about it.

Mr Biffo
19/5/2016 01:25:25 pm

I'm sat here today trying to squeeze out a script like I'm constipated. THAT'S how glamorous it is...

Spiney O'Sullivan
19/5/2016 05:30:30 pm

It's not even about the skill in itself. It's about the fact you writers and other artists do something meaningful to you every day, and make that your life. That's something incredible to most of us. Consider how many people work in McDonalds or sweeping streets, or other things that, while totally necessary and technically and economically valuable, aren't something they probably feel in any way passionate about. People spent most of their adult lives working. No wonder they envy those who do something they love during that time. No matter what you feel when you have writer's block, the worst day doing something you're passionate about has to beat the best day doing something that's a drudge and doesn't mean anything to you.
Yes, people do ignore that you make sacrifices to do it, in the form of less stability and pay, but the grass is always greener on the other side...

Mr Biffo
19/5/2016 07:53:55 pm

Ah, but isn't that the thing I was talking about - the romanticising writing as something other than a job? I mean... I enjoy it going well, but it's still a job to me, with ups and downs like any job. I'm not sure it has any deeper meaning for me than it allows me to pay the mortgage. I'm honoured to write for kids, I guess - far more than I would be adults - but I wouldn't say I'm passionate about it in the way you describe.

Euphemia
19/5/2016 07:26:13 pm

On the topic of constipation at work, at least when you're freelance you're ALWAYS being paid to take a shit. I have to store mine up for the mid-morning.

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Bruce Flagpole
19/5/2016 09:36:12 pm

More of this kind of thing!
I like the idea of writing, or at least having the ideas to write about it. But I'm pretty sure I fail the 'I can tell if they can write from one sentence ' test, and I'm definitely too lazy and impatient to try to write something!
It's a bit like that with games for me too, i love thinking of ideas or how I'd design certain games, but it's too much like hard work actually trying to make something.
Actually, have you ever had much interest or opportunity to work on games?

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Mr Biffo
20/5/2016 08:45:13 am

I wrote the script to Future Tactics many years ago. I'd love to do more. I'd approach it differently these days, I think.

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Mike
20/5/2016 06:10:34 am

I'd very much like to read more in this vein. It's refreshing to get a warts-and-all look at being a writer. Too often writers fall back on the 'tortured artist' trope you mention, or try to paint themelves as vessels of divine inspiration through which a stream of flawless work pour.

I'd also love to read a couple of your scripts. I realise it's probably not something you can do, rights being as they are, but if you could chuck up a couple PDFs of some of your produced scripts, I'd be very interested in reading them.

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Mr Biffo
20/5/2016 08:47:50 am

If you're one of our Patreon donors, there's a script available for a screenplay I wrote a few years back. I've considered putting up a few more for them.

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Darcy
21/5/2016 03:18:44 pm

Slightly weirded out by how similar our youths were. I always got into trouble with art and media teachers for "not taking it seriously". Was thrown out of my media course at college after I wrote a script about a cross-dressing detective investigating a dodgy frozen food aisle at the local TESCO...

It's fair to say my writing career has never taken off.

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