We live in a society that's obsessed by age. Where our hunger-gatherer ancestors respected their elders as learned and wise members of their community, we now rightly deign everyone over 40 to be a washed-up, aesthetically disgusting, embarrassment, with nothing whatsoever to offer.
Consequently, the future of our world is left in the hands of a facile and narcissistic generation. Whereas the 20th Century saw the harnessing of atomic power, Man walk on the moon, and the invention of the Internet, the legacy of the 21st Century will be a series of incremental improvements to the selfie stick.
But what of our gaming icons? Wisely, there are few specific mentions of age when it comes to games characters - why risk putting off a whole section of the audience by presenting them with middle-aged avatars? However, we've cut through this deception - with the aid of Microsoft's How-Old.net website, which analyses photographs, and offers up how old it thinks the subject is.
We ran a number of popular games characters through the software. Here are the results.
Consequently, the future of our world is left in the hands of a facile and narcissistic generation. Whereas the 20th Century saw the harnessing of atomic power, Man walk on the moon, and the invention of the Internet, the legacy of the 21st Century will be a series of incremental improvements to the selfie stick.
But what of our gaming icons? Wisely, there are few specific mentions of age when it comes to games characters - why risk putting off a whole section of the audience by presenting them with middle-aged avatars? However, we've cut through this deception - with the aid of Microsoft's How-Old.net website, which analyses photographs, and offers up how old it thinks the subject is.
We ran a number of popular games characters through the software. Here are the results.
LARA CROFT - Modern
Age: 28. The Tomb Raider reboot served as an origin story of sorts, and Lara Croft appears to be 18 or 19. However, How-Old.Net believes she is 28. You're not fooling anybody, Crofty.
LARA Croft - Original
Age: 16. Well, this is interesting. The original Tomb Raider games featured an experienced and seasoned Lara Croft - then depicted as a repellent, ill-proportioned, horror. We appreciate that none of us look our best during our teenage years, but if Crofty was in fact 16, this might explain a lot.
SOLID SNAKE
Age: 31. We've completely lost track of the Metal Gear Solid Timeline now - Snake has appeared both as an older gentleman, and a younger fellow. Given the photo we uploaded, we'd say 31 is about spot-on... though his suspiciously hazelnut-brown hair suggests he might've been at the Grecian 2000.
PHOENIX WRIGHT
Age: 58. Ace Attorney Phoenix Wright is 58 according to How-Old.Net. That seems reasonable for a counsel of his experience. He certainly looks good considering his high-stress job. Phoenix Wright? More like Botox Wright!!!!!! LOL out loud.
NATHAN DRAKE
Age: 39. Yup, we reckon this one is bang-on too. Though, again, that hair is a dubious shade of "Tom Cruise Brown".
KID ICARUS
Age: 31. Just like David "Kid" Jensen, Kid Icarus is clearly nothing of the sort. He's 31, apparently. Time to put in a call to that euthanasia clinic, "Kid". It's all downhill from here.
ELLIE
Age: 24. We think Ellie's meant to be about 14, or something. As per Hollywood's habit of employing much older actors to portray minors, the games industry would seem to be doing the exact same thing.
MARCUS FENIX
Age: 42. It's difficult to tell Marcus Fenix's age from looking at him - he appears to have a skull shaped like a fire bucket, after all. Still, we'd wager that 42 isn't a bad guess. At this point, How-Old.Net is surprising us with its accuracy.
ZANGIEF
Age: 54. No man of 54 should be wearing nothing but underpants in public, but then Zangief is no ordinary man; he's a professional wrestler, just like the 61 year-old alleged racist Hulk Hogan.
DHALSIM
Age: 55. Talking of racism, here's Street Fighter's stretchy outdated racial stereotype Dhalsim. He's 55, allegedly. Though to be honest, it's difficult to tell with all those creepy dark-skinned foreigners, and their shrunken skulls... right, Capcom?
BAYONETTA
Age: 27. We've always felt Bayonetta had more of a sexy secretary vibe, than a sexy, shapeshifting witch vibe. Still, 27 seems a reasonable age for either career choice.
CLAIRE REDFIELD
Age 29. Resident Evil's bland heroine Claire Redfield is 29. She's so nondescript, we can't really find much more to say about her. Claire Redfield? More like Claire Boredfield!!!!! ROFLMAO our arses off.
MAX PAYNE
Age: 53. Yeah, now we're talking. Max Payne is a man's man. Twin pistol-wielding, addicted to drugs, and he wears his lines on his face like they're a badge of honour. What a shame, then, that he also chooses to dye his hair. Once you start doing it, you're never going to be able to stop, Max. You're 53. Let it go.
GORDON FREEMAN
Age: 37. We suppose 37 is a reasonable age for goatee-wearing proto-hipster Gordon Freeman. Look at his expression though. We'd never before realised what a smug, condescending, sneer he possesses. We bet that crowbar he uses is meant to be ironic.
FRANKLIN CLINTON
Age: 49. Isn't GTA V's Franklin supposed to be in his 20s? How-Old.Net, you have messed-up.
MICHAEL de SANTA
Age: 33. Another mess-up. Michael is a wish fulfilment icon for middle-aged men, who would like to go out and kill people. There's no way he's 33. Add another 15 years, at least; it takes time to build up to that sort of a midlife crisis.
LINK
Age: 7. Er... so, Link was 7 years-old all along. You hear that, cosplayers? When you dress up as Link, you're dressing up as a 7 year-old. Why don't you be done with it and go to the next Comic-Con as Honey Boo-Boo... or a foetus?!
PRINCESS ZELDA
Age: 23. Isn't Zelda meant to be Link's girlfriend or something? If she's 23, and he's 7, well... We dunno about the Great Deku Tree. Somebody needs to put in a call to Operation Yewtree.
TINGLE
Age: 38. According to How-Old.Net, Tingle is 38. He's 38 years-old, and he dresses and behaves like that. Disgraceful. He looks like a cross between Flava Flav and an asparagus.
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