Published between 1990 and 1991, Nintendo Comics System was the result of a deal with Valiant Comics, and featured characters from Metroid, Zelda, and Captain N: The Game Master. Suffice to say, quality was variable, and certainly raised some questions - not least when you see some of the bizarre liberties Valiant took with Nintendo's most valuable properties.
Never is this more apparent than in the company's Super Mario Bros. titles... As we shall now investigate.
In these, "Toadstool" is revealed as the worst agony aunt of all time - suggesting here that cosmetic surgery might work over self-acceptance, and recommending that somebody with an anger problem should potentially drown himself.
Also, it shows that Mario, from a very young age, was obsessed with plumbing - to the degree that he'd "fix" his father's "pipe", and insist on playing baseball with a plunger.
The final panel shows Mario stood over his baby brother Luigi, armed with a wrench. The implication is clear; in order to mend his "leaking" infant sibling, Mario is going to tighten the wrench around his penis.
Also, what's with Mario and Luigi up in that lifeguard station? They look like they've been cut-and-pasted as an afterthought.
Why, then, are there non-flammable students attending said school, and why is the school not equipped for students who are perpetually aflame? Why are they going on field trips to fireworks factories? Why does the school burn down? Make it out of asbestos, or something.
My old primary school was made from asbestos, and hardly any of the students caught fire - they just had respiratory problems.
I think we can make assumptions about the sort of "massage" Luigi enjoys in the shower.
What's going on?!