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HOW I WOULD FIX DUKE NUKEM

27/9/2018

33 Comments

 
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 Will there ever be another Duke Nukem game? Following the 15 year development - and ultimate flopsy - of Duke Nukem Forever it seems unlikely. There were rumours of a prequel game from Gearbox - Duke Begins - but it seems that the project has since been cancelled.

Regardless, Duke Nukem 3D continues to cast a long shadow. As one of the biggest games of the 90s - Duke himself became a bona-fide gaming icon - he still has fans who yearn for a modern game worthy of that classic. Understandably so, given we don't have any game characters like Duke anymore. Let's face it, all game characters look the same these days. Duke was different and unique. 

But how - how - to update a character rooted in dated gameplay and attitudes? This is how.

How!
GO BACK TO BASICS
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To get Duke right today it's worth going back to what made the original so popular. It was a gonzo, over-the-top shoot 'em up, harkening back to 80s action movies.

There was something appreciably straight-to-video about Duke 3D, wrapped up in a technically impressive first-person shoot 'em up. The fact that it was the equal of Doom - in many respects improving upon on it - didn't hurt, but throw into that not only its skewed humour, but the ridiculous arsenal of weapons and a non-linear approach to most levels, and you had a game with an enduring legacy. Heck, set it in the 90s if you have to, and give it a double-whammy of nostalgia.

There's a reason why the recent Doom reboot was better received than many of its predecessors; it understood what made the original so great, ditched most of the sense of creeping horror that had bled into the franchise, and returned it to its shoot 'em up roots. 

You have to do the same for Duke; go back to basics. Make as few concessions to modern sensibilities and trends as possible. Make it as politically incorrect as you can get away with. Make it properly funny.

And make it a serious technical achievement. Easier said than done, I know - and a big investment gamble on a property that might've had its day - but without a doubt, Duke Nukem Forever's biggest failing is that it felt unpolished, rushed, and unworthy of its legend.
FORGET PLOT
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Duke Nukem 3D's plot? Duke wants a vacation in LA, but aliens have invaded the city. That's all you need. Duke Nukem Forever had a bit more in the way of story, but I'd advocate jettisoning all of that.

​Duke Nukem 3D revelled in being a direct descendant of Space Invaders. In short: the aliens are here, and Duke is the only thing standing in their way. That's it. That's your plot. And providing Duke keeps up with the macho one-liners, we're good. 
LOSE THE NAKED WOMEN
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Duke Nukem is a fundamentally problematic character to bring into our woke modern era. The very thought of it induces the same sort of shudder I get every time I read that they're working on a new Carry On film. Indeed, you saw them wrestling with the character's misogyny in Duke Nukem Forever. Ultimately they chose to embrace it, leaving something of an unpleasant taste in the mouth, and further indicating that here was a game series stuck in the past.

Unfortunately, that character trait was fundamental to what a lot of people loved about Duke Nukem 3D. Offering strippers a tip - "Shake it, baby!" - and all that. Duke 3D was a pubescent power fantasy from an era where such things were considered more acceptable. How to translate that into the modern day?

​Bottom line: you simply don't do it. And you don't comment on Duke being an outdated dinosaur either, thus making everyone who enjoyed Duke 3D feel bad and piss people off. It's done. It's over. Move on and make Duke Nukem about something else other than the objectification of women. There's still enough of a character remaining even if you remove that. 

​In many respects, the Saints Row series has picked up where Duke 3D left off, with a similar over-the-top, tongue-in-cheek, approach. And it does it without having to pander to base tastes.
MAKE THE SETTING GROUNDED
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What really appealed to me in Duke Nukem 3D is that it didn't begin on Mars like Doom did (though it had a level set on the moon), but was rooted in a familiar reality.

There's an old Jon Pertwee quote about Doctor Who being more frightening when it featured "A yeti on your loo in Tooting Bec". It wasn't so much that a shitting yeti made the show more frightening, but it certainly made it more relatable, keeping one foot in our real world. Duke 3D took that literally (see the image above).

Duke Nukem 3D featured a cinema, a prison, restaurants, and many flushing toilets. Set a new game in the aftermath of an alien-induced earthquake, a ruined, evacuated, Los Angeles - but make sure it's recognisable as our world. Make it interactive. And put ridiculous aliens and massive action set-pieces into it. Turn the world on its head. 
TAKE THE PISS
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Duke Nukem 3D was shamelessly irreverent when it came to dissing its pop culture influences. Aside from the streets being littered with the corpses of famous people (including Doom Guy), it nodded towards Shawshank Redemption, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Star Wars, The Terminator and more.

A new game could ramp this up; set a level in, I dunno, Kim Kardashian's house, and another in a thinly-disguised Disneyland. Make it a commentary on everything from hollow entertainment culture, to social media, to American patriotism, to video game violence. Give a Duke game a reason to exist in the 21st Century by making it fundamentally satirical.  
KEEP IT VARIED
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The other big takeaway from Duke Nukem 3D for me is that it was constantly surprising. I never felt bored. It was a big reason why I was always a Duke person than a Doom person. New weapons, new gameplay, new things in the environment to interact with. New ways to kick off a level. It was a proper playground of carnage and nonsense. I want to see that essence re-captured. The best example of this in a first-person shooter in recent years? Titanfall 2.

​Make it happen. 
​

Thanks to Col. Asdasd for suggesting this. Got another game series you want me to fix? Tell me in the comments. 
33 Comments
Rory link
27/9/2018 10:39:15 am

FIX DARK SOULS!

;)

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Spiney O’Sullivan
27/9/2018 02:24:31 pm

Simple, just add an easy mode.

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Grembot
27/9/2018 10:43:47 am

Fix Sonic please. Or is it as simple as keep doing Mania sequels?

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MENTALIST
27/9/2018 10:54:59 am

The strippers in Duke 3D bothered me a bit, even when I first played the game as a teenager when it came out.

My first instinct as a video game hero, was to rescue the civilians. But you can't, and they won't try to escape or display any agency of their own. You can pay them to show you their tits, or blow them into chunks of meat, and neither will have any material impact on the game.

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Spiney O’Sullivan
27/9/2018 12:48:43 pm

At the time it always bothered me that you had to leave the cocooned women to their horrible fate or kill them (yes, I know, it’s an Aliens reference...), since it kind of ruins the macho power fantasy. Years later, the added context of the hive scene in the abysmal Duke Nukem Forever made me look back on DN3D somewhat less fondly in this respect.

It’s still technically speaking a great game with some excellent level design (and a better engine than Doom), but that aspect still bothers me. This is why I still prefer the N64 version, which lets you actually rescue them (as well as having better quality sprites).

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Andrew Gillett
27/9/2018 11:10:30 am

Horace Goes Skiing

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MrBeee link
27/9/2018 11:19:33 am

I properly lved Duke Nukem 3D. I purchased the expansion packs with levels taken directly from films - awesome awesome game.
I agree with much of the above- consistently surprising, open worlded and significantly better than doom!

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ChorlltonWheelie
27/9/2018 11:36:26 am

Just leave him alone in the past where he belongs.

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Sordid Fancy Daniel
27/9/2018 11:41:51 am

How do we save Little Britain: the Videogame?

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Spiney O’Sullivan
27/9/2018 02:06:20 pm

Is Little Britain fixable?

Computer says “no”.

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RichardM
27/9/2018 12:23:16 pm

Duke it Out in DC expansion... that fucking maze set in the Smithsonian, grrraaah.

But you’re right: pop culture commentary, zany stuff, all that. I think the limiting feature really is the technology now, so much easier to knock out parody assets back then (I’m thinking of the knife from the Mission: Impossible level, for some reason): 15 minutes to knock out a sprite, against 10 hours of 3D modelling now.

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RichardM
27/9/2018 12:24:56 pm

Controversial fix: Mario Kart. Haven’t really enjoyed any since 64.

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Mrtankthreat
27/9/2018 12:49:14 pm

Agreed. Although the SNES version is still the best for me. All it really needs to be "fixed" is just more courses and an online multiplayer mode. Super Mario Kart Maker anyone?

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Sordid Fancy Daniel
27/9/2018 12:50:46 pm

Agreed. Far less rubber banding, more randomized items not dependant on your position, etc etc

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Kelvin Green link
27/9/2018 06:32:34 pm

Agreed with Mrtankthreat. Base it on the SNES version, fill it with every track they've ever made, add a track editor, add online multiplayer, and you're sorted.

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RG
27/9/2018 12:30:23 pm

This might not be popular, but how about a Duke 3D remake / remaster - warts and all? I only saw bit of the original at a frikends house and would love to see the whole thing, but in a modern engine.

Not sure how to get around the stripper problem - maybe you could give the player the choice to offer some clothing?

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Nick
27/9/2018 12:34:43 pm

Happiness is a nice warm cardigun.

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Biscuits
27/9/2018 12:54:32 pm

The strippers were never a problem - what left wing looney Biffo fails to mention is that if you interact with them, they actually ASK to be killed. So it's all morally fine and woman have a fair shake and all that

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MENTALIST
27/9/2018 01:03:37 pm

That's probably the solution, actually: a Tomb Raider Anniversary or Resident Evil 2 style beat-for-beat remake with modern production values, and some modern polish to the game mechanics.

If that succeeded, they could build from there.

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Simon Phoenix
27/9/2018 01:59:02 pm

Titanfall 2 campaign is probably the best single player FPS I've experienced since Wolfenstein The New Order (the sequel was meh).

I think Duke Nukem should be done along the lines of Demolition Man/Idiocracy.

He is awoken from some form of cryo-sleep to help save the world from Aliens or other baddies who have taken over due to the general population having been drinking too much soy and become weak.


There is much rich material and potential jokes that could be done there. Marketing budget can be zero as all the hand wringing activists, gaming sites click bait outrage and BBC/Guardian tears would signal boost it to high heaven.

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Christ what a derelict
27/9/2018 02:19:48 pm

Did you get lost on your way to a different site?

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Spiney O’Sullivan
27/9/2018 02:39:38 pm

Ah yes, the strategy that propelled Hatred to international success.

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Whelk Trouncer
27/9/2018 03:31:34 pm

Pahahahaha bit misguided isn't it? You brave bastion of free speech you

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colincidence link
28/9/2018 01:49:49 pm

tbh a game where you have to assert your fragile masculinity in a world of increasing tolerance and equality sounds pretty sweet.

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Spiney O’Sullivan
28/9/2018 03:28:46 pm

Freedom of speech has been kidnapped by ninjas! Are you a bad enough dude to rescue Ben Shapiro?

Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
27/9/2018 03:24:21 pm

Bring him back as he is, and have people comment that he’s a “dinosaur” from another era, like Dench-M did to Brosnan-007. We need more ridiculous fabricated outrage like this:

https://www.eurogamer.net/articles/2011-03-26-slapped-down-article

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Spiney O’Sullivan
27/9/2018 04:40:37 pm

Ironically, after all that, “Capture the Babe” absolutely paled in comparison to the cringeworthy or just kind of disgusting stuff that the campaign threw at players to the point that it looked almost charmingly outdated, like a Benny Hill sketch or Carry On bit.

But perhaps more offensively, the game was also just a complete mess that you couldn’t even defend on the grounds of being fun to play at any point. It would have been better never being “finished”.

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PJ
27/9/2018 05:07:24 pm

Yep. I think you've firmly hit every nail on the head here. I'd be all over this game if it existed outside your head.

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Col. Asdasd
27/9/2018 07:09:53 pm

Ah, why you've done a fine job Mr. B!

Agreed on all counts. As a 12 year old I loved DN3D for its immersive and inhabitable levels almost as much as I was titillated by its grimy B-movie schlock and pixellated nudity. I loved that it portrayed the world through a lens, not passing commentary exactly, but something you felt out as you explored a shattered and shambolic LA. It's satirical in the same way that a cartoon of Calvin pissing on a wall is satirical, not at all clever - proudly stupid in fact - but with a visual immediacy that expresses something cynical about American culture (to which we may or may not relate).

The misogynistic stuff never sat right with me - Aliens homage or no, discovering the women you had to kill or abandon made me feel sick. While the act of tipping the strippers is crass, it does at least work as a sort of character moment to show that Duke is a fittingly crass hero for the cartoonishly dismal world he exists to save. Not only is he not heroic, he's not even suave, paying his dollar like the other lonely Johns.

I think there's something to be celebrated in that unapologetic, unabashed celebration of 90s excess, while leaving behind the stuff that crosses the line. I know that line would be different for everyone and we're all knee deep in the culture war, but I don't think we're yet at a point where there's no place for at all for a Duke, dinosaur though he is.

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GazChap link
27/9/2018 07:57:40 pm

The setting is one of the primary reasons that I enjoy the original UFO: Enemy Unknown (and the two recent XCOM games) over any of the other attempts to remake it (UFO: Aftermath etc.)

Knowing that it's London that you're saving (or not, as the case may be!) makes things feel so much more real than having to send an interceptor to Merriottstown on Sigma 6 B or some bollocks like that.

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@purplephlebas
27/9/2018 08:24:18 pm

Fix Civilization. Yes I've played every iteration to death, except perhaps III but not sure any has matched Civ II for gameplay.

This may well be because I'm old.

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colincidence link
28/9/2018 01:45:29 pm

How do you do a comedy chauvinist character in the 21st century?
Strong Bad is how.

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cloaked_wolf
28/9/2018 02:24:08 pm

Maybe it was my age or my naivety, but as a teenager, I saw nothing wrong in dancing ladies that bared their bosoms for cash. Or in killing them and running off. I found as amusing as the Duke arcade game thing, and the toilets thing.

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