HERE'S HOW YOU IMPROVE THE PLAYSTATION CLASSIC

Sony has announced the games line-up for its upcoming PlayStation Classic mini console thing (out in December for ninety quid-ish). And you know what? It's slightly better than I expected... and also - get this, ya big cormorant - slightly worse!!!!

While I was surprised to see the inclusion of Final Fantasy VII... I was then equally confused by the lack of Tomb Raider, not least because the franchises are both now stuffed into the baggy, wet, burrow of Square Enix. 

Just as with the Super NES and NES mini, this dwindled throwback is struggling to please everyone. For my money, these tiny retro systems should be seen as the equivalent of those museums-in-a-book (you know: with replica relics, and "flaps" to lift up and that).

I mean let's face it, if you really want to play an old PS1 game, there are plenty of dubious and not-so-dubious ways of doing so. Instead, there's just something nice about having all of a system's most iconic games within one shrivelled recreation. But what's the point if you're not going to include the classics on your Classic?

While managing to feature at least some heavy-hitters, the PlayStation Classic does seem to miss out on a ton of the PlayStation's most iconic, system-defining, titles. I mean, it doesn't even have that famous t-rex demo. You know the one: where you could manipulate a 3D Marc Bolan, and make him fall off a stage. That's a cool reference there for your mums and dads, kids.

Here's the full list of what will be included on the European version:

Battle Arena Toshinden
Cool Boarders 2
Destruction Derby
Final Fantasy VII
Grand Theft Auto
Intelligent Qube
Jumping Flash
Metal Gear Solid
Mr Driller
Oddworld: Abe’s Oddysee
Rayman
Resident Evil Director’s Cut
Revelations: Persona
Ridge Racer Type 4
Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo
Syphon Filter
Tekken 3
Tom Clancy’s Rainbow 6
Twisted Metal
Wild Arms

Below, I offer my suggestions for which of these games should've been replaced with something else...

INSTEAD OF SUPER PUZZLE FIGHTER II TURBO... KLONOA or APE ESCAPE

Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo? Really? That's the best demonstration of the PS1 is it?

Namco's Klonoa: Door to Phantomile was a bit of an aberration on the PlayStation; a cute and colourful Sega or Nintendo-ish platformer. That made it stand out within the PlayStation's otherwise more sombre-hued catalogue. Also: it was good. It was sweet. Let's have some more of that, yeah?

​Equally, Sony's own Ape Escape, which came relatively late in the console's life, felt like an abrupt gear-shift - so much so that the skid marks have yet to fade. Nonetheless, it remains, potentially, the best 3D platformer on the machine.

INSTEAD OF TOM CLANCY'S RAINBOW 6... G-POLICE

The PlayStation version of Tom Clancy's Rainbow 6 was a dirty abomination, and has no place consorting with anything that labels itself "Classic". I'd suggest swapping it out with the Blade Runner-inspired G-Police, a remarkable demonstration of the PS1's power, and a solid shoot 'em up to boot.

What did the "G" stand for?

​"Grumpy".

INSTEAD OF BATTLE ARENA TOSHINDEN... TOMB RAIDER

Battle Arena Toshinden is fine, but if you've already got Tekken 3 on the Classic, you don't really need it. I mean, we get it; the PS1 could do good 3D fighting games. No need to keep reiterating the point.

If you stand a hope of achieving completeness, Tomb Raider has to be on there... even if it does play like a beast, boasting the control system equivalent of a Twitter grammar pedant. If any one game is synonymous with the PlayStation era... it's this.

​But you already knew that.

BOOOOOOBS!!!!

INSTEAD OF REVELATIONS: PERSONA... WIPEOUT

"Oh, I'm so excited that Revelations: Persona is going to be on the PlayStation Classic!" said no-one ever. Wipeout might not be my favourite game - to this day the controls feel lamentably loose - but this isn't about MY favourite games. It's about representing the games which defined the PS1.

Wipeout was a barefaced - and, admittedly, successful - attempt at making gaming all cool and edgy and that, and needs to be on there. Whether I like it or not.

Dance music is cool, yeah? Well, yeah, until you try to re-licence it 20-odd years later...

INSTEAD OF MR DRILLER... CRASH BANDICOOT

Admittedly, we've recently had a Crash Bandicoot anthology released, which demonstrated that those games weren't quite as good as we remembered, but the top-heavy marsupial was as close as the PS1 ever got to its own Sonic The Hedgehog. Plus, as an early outing for Naughty Dog, it deserves to be held aloft among the other PS1 icons and given the "bumps".

INSTEAD OF RIDGE RACER TYPE 4... RIDGE RACER

Ridge Racer Type 4 might be the better game, but Ridge Racer was the game which launched the PS1, and proved that it was a powerhouse. Its chronic lack of tracks somehow didn't seem to matter when compared to the Sega Saturn's Daytona USA, with its polygons that resembled a garden fence in a very high wind.

INSTEAD OF JUMPING FLASH... SPYRO THE DRAGON

This was a tough one. I really love Jumping Flash - and way prefer it over Spyro - but the latter is probably the more fondly-remembered game (indeed, it's getting a remaster). It should be on the PlayStation Classic if only to prove that the machine had much to offer kids as well as cool clubber people who wear their baseball caps sideways and like waving glow sticks and blowing whistles.

REMEMBER: there is nothing more important than "being" cool.

INSTEAD OF ODDWORLD: ABE'S ODDYSEE... LEGACY OF KAIN: SOUL REAVER or SILENT HILL

I never liked Oddworld, so we might as well replace it with a choice of two other games I didn't like either; Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver or Silent Hill. In the case of the later I always felt it undermined its own atmosphere with the stupid hissing radio, while Soul Reaver's gothic aesthetics turned me off so hard that my tube blew out!

You remember at school there was that kid who would do drawings of, like, demons and 3D swastikas and stuff, and everyone would crowd round and go "That's so cool! Draw me one!" and you'd sit there and be muttering like "He's not so good - I can draw better than that, and at least my drawings would be original I'm just not such an attention-seeking show-off like he is" and you'd never let it go and decades later you'd use him by way of a comparison to a video game you didn't like?

Well... that.

INSTEAD OF TWISTED METAL... GRAN TURISMO

This was another tough call. I really loved Twisted Metal, whereas Gran Turismo I found to be profoundly dull. Still, we're not here today to be selfish. Because there's no accounting for taste, plenty of people mistakenly believed that the dry, boring, simulation-esque Gran Turismo was a classic.

So, y'know, here it is. Alright?

INSTEAD OF GRAND THEFT AUTO... PARAPPA THE RAPPER or APE ESCAPE

Grand Theft Auto obviously has its place in PlayStation history, but the original top-down version is more closely associated with the PC. Parappa The Rapper on the other hand is pure PlayStation quirk, and was unlike anything else available. Unlike certain other PlayStation games, it somehow managed to be cool without trying too hard. 

INSTEAD OF COOL BOARDERS 2: TONY HAWK'S PRO SKATER

Why have Cool Boarders 2 when you could have the original Tony Hawk's Pro Skater; a game which became an obsession for many? Once again, it's very indicative of the PlayStation brand itself - aligning with things that people in the mid-90s hilariously thought were edgy. 

Question: is the skateboarding inherently edgy, or would, I dunno, something like feeding a cat automatically become edgy if the person feeding the cat wore big baggy trousers, and had a stupid chin-beard, and played pop-punk sounds while he put the food in the bowl?

INSTEAD OF INTELLIGENT QUBE... VIB RIBBON or BISHI BASHI SPECIAL

Who cares about Intelligent Qube? It was a surprisingly big seller, and it was, y'know, fine for what it was, but it's hardly fondly remembered. At least the experimental Vib Ribbon and the brilliantly bonkers Bishi Bashi Special have stuck in the consciousness.

Bishi Bashi is probably the better game, but Vib-Ribbon is a better example of the PS1's more out-there moments, though the fact that it's best remembered for generating levels using the player's own music CDs, it probably wouldn't work on the PlayStation Classic. I shouldn't have suggested it.

​PLEASE FORGIVE ME.