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GRANGE HILL: THE MOST DEPRESSING GAME EVER

21/9/2016

27 Comments

 
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To any gamer who went to school in the 1980s, Skool Daze and its sequel Back to Skool were computer game equivalents of Grange Hill: a TV show that was an unerringly accurate portrayal of contemporary school life.

However, Grange Hill itself was given its own lesser-known multiformat title at the height of the show's popularity - a sort of action-adventure, featuring several of the show's then-characters. 

Here is a look at why it might just have been the most depressing game of all time.
"WINDOWING SYSTEM PROGRAMMED BY JOHN PICKFORD..." And we're already off to a desolate start.
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'GONCH'... a nickname as meaningless as the character was slightly annoying. He is joined on his adventure by 'Hollo' - the partners-in-crime attempting to retrieve a confiscated Walkman from the staff room. This image does a fair job of evoking the bleakness which follows.
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This is no false threat. Gonch's mother does literally kill him, should he return home without the expensive gift: just one of many ways the game can come to a brusque conclusion.
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One of the less depressing locations: an old sewage tank.
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"PICK UP DEAD CAT"
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In keeping with the show from which it is derived, the Grange Hill computer game features a powerful anti-drugs message in the form of a "Shifty Man"...
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...A Shifty Man who proceeds to die abruptly in front of Gonch and Hollo, but not before sowing the seeds of Gonch's own imminent death.
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It's alright: it looks like the dog isn't going to bite Gonch's hand at least. He's going to be able to make it to the Pensioners' Flats as planned...
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Oh. Oh dear. And adding insult to literal injury, the dog is called "Rolf".
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"DRINK WATER"
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Well, at least Gonch didn't die from dysentry.
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And this might be the most austere death in the game - trapped in a wall, as a cannibal pensioner approaches. It's precisely the sort of scene that was strangely uncommon in the TV show...
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FROM THE ARCHIVE:
10 VINTAGE GERMAN ATARI ADS EXPLAINED
GETTING OLD AS A GAMER MEANS YOU SEE THE STRINGS - BY MR BIFFO
EVERYTHING I KNEW ABOUT GRAPHIC DESIGN I LEARNED FROM ULTIMATE PLAY THE GAME
THE ART THAT INSPIRED NO-MAN'S SKY

​


27 Comments
Adam
21/9/2016 12:44:40 pm

Many moons ago I saw Grange Hill: The Musical, which was on at my local theatre (the Queen's in Hornchurch) in the '80s. It was actually written by Phil Redmond, had some of the show's stars (think Gonch was in it), and featured Todd Carty as Tucker returning to the school as a caretaker. As far as I know it never went to any other theatre. I actually quite enjoyed it.

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Mr Biffo
21/9/2016 12:46:19 pm

Whaaaa?? How did I not know about this?

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Adam
21/9/2016 01:04:12 pm

I only went because my school was offering a discount on the ticket price. I've got a souvenir booklet for it somewhere but it would probably take me years to find it. I remember that the kids called each other 'smash-heads' as an insult, and there was a whole song about that. But other than that I recall pretty much nothing. Don't know if there's any film clips of it anywhere. Considering that Redmond himself wrote it, it's surprising that so little happened with it.

John Veness
21/9/2016 02:16:37 pm

http://www.ghfun.co.uk/Hornchurch.htm has a little about it.

John Pickford
21/9/2016 01:01:43 pm

I did not work on this game.

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Mr Biffo
21/9/2016 01:19:58 pm

There is... another John Pickford?!

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Panama Joe
21/9/2016 02:00:46 pm

You can't deny it. That's a John Pickford windowing system if ever I saw one.

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James of the North
21/9/2016 03:06:34 pm

Ahh, the Pickford windowing system...

*eyes glaze over*

RichardM
21/9/2016 01:26:05 pm

Sat and watched a Let's Play of Magicland Dizzy last night as I indicated in comments elsewhere. Took me right back to being 6 or 7 years old and helplessly falling down the well over and over again... You absolutely need to do a few Let's Play videos of Spectrum classics, Biffo (or at least a few more articles like this!).

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Lofty from EastEnders
21/9/2016 01:55:34 pm

I'm very glad I was in EastEnders, and not Grange Hill. However, very many of my 'actor' contemporaries were in both, as is common knowledge. But did you know that there was also an EastEnders game that's very similar to this? Can't remember if I'm in it, mind.

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Stefan Dennis
21/9/2016 02:11:21 pm

Personally, I like uplifting, positive computer games.Whenever I play a new game, I ask myself "don't it make you feel good?"

If it don't make you feel good, I throw the game in the swimming pool at Lassiters.

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RichardM
21/9/2016 02:24:03 pm

What did you make of Neighbours on the Commodore 64, Paul?

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Stefan Dennis
21/9/2016 02:38:37 pm

It don't make me feel good.

Guru Larry link
21/9/2016 03:05:45 pm

You should play the Amstrad version too, there's a massive bug in the game where they programmed the sprite of Gonch the wrong way around, so he moonwalks throughout the entire game!

And they never, ever fixed it! Gonch just constantly walks backwards!

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Ho Lee Fuk
21/9/2016 03:29:14 pm

Gonch is arraram of Chong, which bit racist.

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Acid_Arrow
21/9/2016 04:53:35 pm

This game was a nightmare, I'm sure there was a screen with a loose paving stone that you had to jump over or else you tripped on it and died.

And didn't Mr Griffiths take you to his broom cupboard and broom you to death? Maybe that was something else.

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Mr Griffiths
21/9/2016 05:16:37 pm

I broomed many a child to death. And you're next "Acid_Arrow".

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Mrs McCluskey
21/9/2016 07:33:16 pm

Can I have a word with you in my study Mr Griffiths?

Mr Griffiths
21/9/2016 09:09:01 pm

Oh Mrs McCluskey, don't think I haven't seen you eyeing up my broom..... say the time and I'll be in there to give you good sweeping.

Kara Van Park
21/9/2016 06:32:40 pm

Gonch's photo was taken outside the Crown court before he stood trial for filming up women's skirts in Primark

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Mr. Bronson
21/9/2016 09:41:28 pm

YOU, BOY!!!!!!!!

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Danny Kendall
22/9/2016 08:06:21 am

...

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Bronco Bronson
22/9/2016 09:05:32 am

KEN-DALL!

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Danny Kendall
22/9/2016 09:11:09 am

....

Col. Asdasd
22/9/2016 09:27:41 am

Not as good as Byker Grove for the SNES I'm afraid.

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Dan Whitehead
22/9/2016 09:50:31 am

The paintball bonus game was in very poor taste, I thought.

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Erkan Mustafa
22/9/2016 11:53:06 am

I used to pinch all the chocolate from the tuck shop and take it home.

Reply



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