Father! Father! Why must you place this moussaka over my face? Father, please – not so hard! I can feel the china bowl beneath the mush. It is impacting 'pon my maw, and I am getting hot aubergine inside my nostrils…
Look, everyone – it’s me! Gossi the Dog, the country's favourite talking dog, fresh from the set of my brand new TV special, Barkmasters! I may not be able to totter around on my hind legs like a drunk Ewok, but I've returned to the fore with some long overdue gaming gossip. Come - “goss-sip” from my cup, and take a “slander” at my dirty laundry.
Other gaming gossip sites can’t hold a “s-candle” to these idle rumours! Bark! NOAH'S BARK! Please… please, no! Why must I always be placed inside the iron lung, father?
Look, everyone – it’s me! Gossi the Dog, the country's favourite talking dog, fresh from the set of my brand new TV special, Barkmasters! I may not be able to totter around on my hind legs like a drunk Ewok, but I've returned to the fore with some long overdue gaming gossip. Come - “goss-sip” from my cup, and take a “slander” at my dirty laundry.
Other gaming gossip sites can’t hold a “s-candle” to these idle rumours! Bark! NOAH'S BARK! Please… please, no! Why must I always be placed inside the iron lung, father?
G*ME
A little bird told me that a certain “Mr X” from the Richmond branch of this soulless high street favourite has been trading phlegm with a regular customer in the stock room. A fellow member of staff burst in last week to find them getting wet and clammy on a big stack of Assassin’s Creed: Unity. When confronted by his colleague, Mr X is said to have risen onto his haunches and scuttled off into a vent.
For the next few hours, staff and customers could hear Mr X banging and chattering above their heads. He was eventually coaxed out using a specially-designed lure, consisting of a Morbid Angel t-shirt and a photograph of Yaya Han.
Onlookers told me he was so overcome with remorse that he immediately went onto 4Chan to resign, threaten suicide, and post misogyny.
A little bird told me that a certain “Mr X” from the Richmond branch of this soulless high street favourite has been trading phlegm with a regular customer in the stock room. A fellow member of staff burst in last week to find them getting wet and clammy on a big stack of Assassin’s Creed: Unity. When confronted by his colleague, Mr X is said to have risen onto his haunches and scuttled off into a vent.
For the next few hours, staff and customers could hear Mr X banging and chattering above their heads. He was eventually coaxed out using a specially-designed lure, consisting of a Morbid Angel t-shirt and a photograph of Yaya Han.
Onlookers told me he was so overcome with remorse that he immediately went onto 4Chan to resign, threaten suicide, and post misogyny.
C*MPUTER EXCH*NG*
What’s that you say? “Ms Y” from the Barnsley store has been stealing from the till? Word is, her workmates at this public toilet-style games retailer have been suspecting her for some time, but their distrust was compounded last week when she rocked up to a staff outing wearing a pair of expensive fashion shoes, contrived from the hollowed-out carcasses of a couple of old octopi.
As she slipped and flopped her way around the bowling alley, buying drinks for everyone and squirting ink, speculation ran out of control. Things came to a head when "Ms Y" was confronted by a co-worker regarding her wild spending. She is said to have dropped to her knees and slithered inside the body of an air hockey table.
For the next few hours, people could hear her wailing and knocking from inside. She was eventually lured out using a photograph of Maru the cat, and a Domo figure painted to look like Daddy Cool.
Onlookers told me she was so overcome with remorse that she immediately went onto Reddit to resign, threaten suicide, and post feminism.
What’s that you say? “Ms Y” from the Barnsley store has been stealing from the till? Word is, her workmates at this public toilet-style games retailer have been suspecting her for some time, but their distrust was compounded last week when she rocked up to a staff outing wearing a pair of expensive fashion shoes, contrived from the hollowed-out carcasses of a couple of old octopi.
As she slipped and flopped her way around the bowling alley, buying drinks for everyone and squirting ink, speculation ran out of control. Things came to a head when "Ms Y" was confronted by a co-worker regarding her wild spending. She is said to have dropped to her knees and slithered inside the body of an air hockey table.
For the next few hours, people could hear her wailing and knocking from inside. She was eventually lured out using a photograph of Maru the cat, and a Domo figure painted to look like Daddy Cool.
Onlookers told me she was so overcome with remorse that she immediately went onto Reddit to resign, threaten suicide, and post feminism.
TOY* R US
Word on the grapevine (or should I say "apevine"?) is that a worker at this warehouse-esque retail giant has been secretly raising a family of Barbary apes in the games aisle of its Colchester store. His fellow workers have suspected "Mr K" for some time, due to his shifty demeanour, banana-like smell, and the unusual noises emanating from the Wii U section in which he works.
However, he has been keeping the macaques hidden using a clever system of mirrors, projectors, gauze and distraction; whenever somebody got close to discovering his secret, "Mr K" would start banging two pieces of coal together.
However, things finally came to light last week when "K" made the mistake of over-feeding his simian friends with Morrisons' own brand chicken noodles and Nobbly Bobblies. Gripped with nausea, the shrieking Barbary apes erupted from their camouflaged kennel and started vomiting and jumping on customers.
When confronted about his actions, "Mr K" is said to have slumped against a shelf of Lego, and started rolling around the store at high speed, making a barely-audible lowing sound. He was eventually encouraged to stop by being presented with a custom Doctor Who Minecraft set, and a Nicholas Cage meme he'd never seen before.
He immediately went onto the Buzzfeed comments section to resign, threaten suicide, and share '18 Signs You're Turning Into Ed Sheeran' with his friends.
Word on the grapevine (or should I say "apevine"?) is that a worker at this warehouse-esque retail giant has been secretly raising a family of Barbary apes in the games aisle of its Colchester store. His fellow workers have suspected "Mr K" for some time, due to his shifty demeanour, banana-like smell, and the unusual noises emanating from the Wii U section in which he works.
However, he has been keeping the macaques hidden using a clever system of mirrors, projectors, gauze and distraction; whenever somebody got close to discovering his secret, "Mr K" would start banging two pieces of coal together.
However, things finally came to light last week when "K" made the mistake of over-feeding his simian friends with Morrisons' own brand chicken noodles and Nobbly Bobblies. Gripped with nausea, the shrieking Barbary apes erupted from their camouflaged kennel and started vomiting and jumping on customers.
When confronted about his actions, "Mr K" is said to have slumped against a shelf of Lego, and started rolling around the store at high speed, making a barely-audible lowing sound. He was eventually encouraged to stop by being presented with a custom Doctor Who Minecraft set, and a Nicholas Cage meme he'd never seen before.
He immediately went onto the Buzzfeed comments section to resign, threaten suicide, and share '18 Signs You're Turning Into Ed Sheeran' with his friends.
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