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GONNA MAKE YOUR OLD GAMES NEW: TEN OLD GAMES WHICH NEED TO BE BROUGHT BACK

5/9/2016

30 Comments

 
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One of the biggest challenges facing any game publisher is introducing a brand new concept or game world to players.

​This is why we get so many sequels: they're a safer bet than an entirely original IP. And yet there are so many old games which remain unexploited - games which never got a sequel, or franchises which were left to die and/or stagnate.

Here are just ten which could be brought back to do good things.
CRASH BANDICOOT
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Naughty Dog clearly still have affection for Crash Bandicoot, given the original's surprise appearance in Uncharted 4. Admittedly, the company has moved away from such relatively simplistic fare - evolving into the best storytellers in the games industry, no less. However, they're also masters of game structure. I'd love to see how they could apply all they've learned to an unfettered arcade action game. 

Furthermore, in the original games, Crash was just wearing a pair of tattered jeans and some trainers. A new version could do away with those altogether, and have Crash running around in the nude.
ANT ATTACK
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Sandy White's isometric classic never got a sequel. Though other games followed in its wake, few managed to recreate its unique, haunting atmosphere. In some respects, it was the first survival horror game.

Let's see a new Ant Attack, still set in a dusty, crumbling, abandoned city overrun with giant, mutant, ants. The original was possibly the first game where you got to choose the gender of your character. A new version could also allow you to choose how nude the characters are.

You could even see their nude bodies getting dirtier and dustier, the further you get into the adventure. All that dust would really get everywhere. Right up there.
SKOOL DAZE
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Various unofficial Skool Daze remakes have been attempted over the years, but they always seem to simply re-skin the graphics, and miss the point of the original. And that point was this point: a game which made you feel like a naughty boy at a British school.

Bully was alright - and a fair attempt to make a Skool Daze-type game work commercially - but it was so immersed in the world of a private American boarding school, that it was hard for most players to buy into. A new Skool Daze would be set in a proper British school, with working class characters. A struggle against authority for the ages.

Best of all, with modern graphics, you could make all the teachers completely nude, in a properly realistic way. You could show literally everything. No need to hold back at all.
DONKEY KONG
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Donkey Kong Country never sat quite right with me. It was so far removed from the original Donkey Kong that they might as well have called it something else entirely.

​Let's make Donkey the bad guy again, and see a new Donkey Kong game with Mario as the protagonist. Let's set it on a succession of construction sites, as a sort of vertical platformer. At one point, Mario could pause to look down at the city below him with a pair of binoculars.

Surprise: everyone in the city is completely nude!

They could be sunbathing in the nude, or sat spread-eagled in restaurants, or straddling statues, rocking back and forth while grunting. Using modern graphics, we could have a city full of thousands upon thousands of nudes doing these things.
PILOTWINGS
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There have been two Pilotwings sequels - Pilotwings 64 and Pilotwings Resort (on the 3DS) - and there was, allegedly, a second N64 sequel planned, which crashed into the tarmac (ha ha).

​Nevertheless, it remains yet another of Nintendo's many under-exploited franchises, making flying accessible and fun, for those of us who couldn't ever be arsed with a proper flight sim.

Its skydiving has been much emulated/ripped-off over the years, but there's so much Nintendo could still do with the format; nude pilots, nude bystanders, billboards covered with pictures of nudes...
COMIX ZONE
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In some respects, Comix Zone remains Sega's most innovative game; a beat 'em up, which was as much graphic novel as video game.

It's an idea that is ripe for being re-exploited with modern technology; you could make it really feel like you were exploring the pages of comic book. Better still: an entire comic shop; it could be like a Toy Story or Wreck It Ralph.

Your character could make his way from his own comic, through super-hero titles, cutesy, cuddly, bunny comics, and obscure indie books... all full of fully nude characters, striding around in the nude, having conversations in the nude, and rolling around in fountains in the nude.
BLAST CORPS
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One of Rare's finest, which recently gained fresher plaudits as part of the Rare Replay collection, there's so much you could do with the idea on today's systems.

​Basically, think of San Andreas from Grand Theft Auto V. Now imagine smashing your way through that with a variety of trucks and weapons, to clear a path for a runaway nuclear missile carrier.

Now imagine that it wasn't a nuclear missile carrier, but a massive nude man! You could do so much with modern game physics. He could look really fantastic, if you know what I mean... <WINK>
ETERNAL DARKNESS
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Eternal Darkness did things that no other game - survival horror or otherwise - has ever attempted. It broke the fourth wall between game and player, showing your character's descent into madness by tricking the player into thinking their Gamecube had busted, or the TV volume was being turned down and that.

Surely it's about time we messed with the heads of a whole new generation of gamer, by making them think they're nude when they're not?
WORLD OF WARCRAFT
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They've just released another World of Warcraft add-on pack, and while that's all well and good, it continues to drive the impression that the huge MMORPG is a bit of a closed world (of Warcraft). It doesn't invite newcomers, and while the classic art style has become iconic, it's starting to look horribly dated now. 

You would've thought that the release of the WoW movie, earlier this year, would've been as good excuse as any to throw open the doors to new players, but... no. No it was not, apparently. 

Surely a World of Warcraft 2 - which promises a fresh start to new gamers - is long, long overdue? Perhaps you could invite new players to try the franchise by retitling it World of Nudecraft, and taking away the option of armour and clothing.
COMMAND & CONQUER
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I loved Command & Conquer to an absurd extent, but real-time strategy seems to be a genre that is mostly confined to the mobile freemium model. The last C&C game was Tiberium Alliances - a free-to-play browser game - released four years ago, which nobody cared about, or has bothered to remember.

There's one surefire way to make people sit up and pay attention to the series again: graphic nudity, in 4K virtual reality, with surround sound. The troops you control could be more nude than they've been in any other Command & Conquer game, running into battle fully "sky-clad".

There would be no need to hold anything back. You could show it all.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
THESE TEN VINTAGE PHOTOS OF COMPUTER USERS EACH HIDE A HIDDEN TRAGEDY
​
EVERYTHING I KNEW ABOUT GRAPHIC DESIGN I LEARNED FROM ULTIMATE PLAY THE GAME
​
TEN THINGS SEAN MURRAY WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO DO TO HIM, AS FAR AS WE KNOW
30 Comments
Paulvw
5/9/2016 11:12:16 am

My clothes fell off while reading this, unfortunately I was in work.

Reply
Mike Jones
5/9/2016 11:28:08 am

F-Zero is surely also due for a reboot.

Preferably it would include an in-car view, so that we can get a good look at the presumably trouser-less drivers.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
5/9/2016 12:20:01 pm

Please don't encourage any more remakes or remasters this generation, whether nude or not. It's already overflowing with games we've already played but prettier.

Let's encourage more nude -sorry, NEW- IPs.

Reply
Jopijedd
5/9/2016 12:29:09 pm

I'd welcome a new Dizzy game, but not in flippin' 3D or any of that jazz. I could play it on my Amiga. So could you Biffo, if you could stand the smell.

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James of the North
5/9/2016 02:27:52 pm

Did you back the Kickstarter?

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MattL
9/9/2016 12:51:46 am

Zack & Wiki by Capcom was the perfect model for a new Dizzy game.

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Chinnyhill
5/9/2016 12:35:25 pm

Feud. Leave the gameplay and graphics alone as much as possible but add a 2 player head to head option over a network.

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sunteam
5/9/2016 05:29:03 pm

Neud.

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James of the North
5/9/2016 12:37:55 pm

Modern gaming provides many irritations, but I don't think anyone would complain about a day one nude patch.

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Darcy
5/9/2016 12:51:06 pm

What about a remake of "Bad Dudes"? Everyone remembers "Bad Dudes"!

"THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS! ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH NUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT?"

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Barry Blamalow
5/9/2016 03:59:15 pm

Why did you not make a 'BAD NUDES' joke? You had every opportunity and just didn't even bother.

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Barry Blamalow
5/9/2016 04:01:15 pm

I've just noticed you kinda did and I now feel bad.

Scaryduckusss
5/9/2016 12:59:50 pm

Samatha Fox Strip Poker - WITH A TWIST. She puts on more and more clothes until she resembles a scout hut jumble sale. Then you look down and realise you are naked. On the bus.

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jawa
5/9/2016 01:16:41 pm

Skool Daze *is* coming back! A remake is underway for mobile platforms. Link: http://www.eurogamer.net/articles/2016-08-17-classic-spectrum-game-skool-daze-is-getting-an-offical-remake

I don't think it incorporates nude teachers, though.

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favus
5/9/2016 01:40:10 pm

The graphics look foul tho...

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Mr Biffo
5/9/2016 02:31:25 pm

This is partly the point I was making...

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Loopdreams
5/9/2016 01:26:22 pm

Sky Odyssey on the PS2 was a cracking good pilotwings type of a deal. If they announced a sequel for the playstation virtual reality hat thing I would be powerless to resist.

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Dr Kank
5/9/2016 04:08:39 pm

I'd like to see Peter Molynude release a new version of Theme Park.

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Doc Strange
5/9/2016 11:17:01 pm

Winner!

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
5/9/2016 04:14:52 pm

All these nude options better include nude-specific body sliders during character creation: boob size, nipple thickness, nipple puffiness, nipple colour, flaps fatness, butthole tinge, clithood density... it's such a faff having to go on NexusMods to find exactly the right combination of CBBE mods to get the desired look for adequate nudity, and that's before you get into the dark side of male mods (priapism/non, and cut/un)

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Patrick Stewart
5/9/2016 06:15:22 pm

I could see EVERYTHING!

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Chris Wyatt
5/9/2016 09:26:35 pm

Guitar Hero: Nude Edition

Featuring Iggy Pop, Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Meat Loaf

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darbotron link
5/9/2016 10:12:11 pm

I love this article. Genuinely thought provoking and ridiculous at the same time - as if Nintendo would ever do nudity!

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TheExcession
6/9/2016 12:52:43 pm

We definitely need a nude remake of Jet Set Willy, if only to make the game's title more literal.

Just think about Macaroni Ted nude though... Mmmm?

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FEoD link
6/9/2016 09:40:53 pm

Wasn't there and actual World Of Nudecraft that had to change it's name? Maybe it was "Whorecraft"... I'll be honest I was too busy looking at the blue lady beewbs to read the words...

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Keith Sinclair
7/9/2016 02:21:58 pm

A new pilotwings would make my underwear fill with dirty man excitement.

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Mr Matt
7/9/2016 09:34:19 pm

Hidden, Nude & Dangerous

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Kelvin Green link
7/9/2016 09:48:17 pm

The world needs a new Turrican.

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Si
8/9/2016 07:44:36 pm

I am not ready to see the Commander's conkers.

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Random Reviewer
12/9/2016 02:55:26 am

What about a revamped Micro Machines? Keep the same(ish) graphics and you could have hundreds of courses. Including one where you move further and further down an ever larger series of pink ovals until you realise the course is, in fact...

A fat man's folds.

Reply



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