"We hand the sounds over to our in-house DJ, Sub-lyme, who mixes them into a blip-flip mash for our upcoming charity jam - Tramplifier. All proceeds go towards a campaign promoting free unicycle access for homelessizzles.
"Between that and all the other webshizzle I bare gotta read, I'm so busy I need my news shot at me in cartridge-size, intravenous chunks, brah. Come on, my nizzles. Let's get this game news guzzling. I need to get some one-wheelers to those well sad homeless guys and that. It'll be hella sick, m'dog."
"What was that? Mate, c'mon. If I wanted to read a big novel I'd find out where my local library thing is. Let's make this fast. Let's keep it real. People don't have time to have their shizzle botched."
+++ ITEM! Peter Molyneux may have withdrawn from the public eye, but his Fable franchise lives on. The forthcoming Xbox One and PC RPG Fable Legends has been announced as a free-to-play title. Players will be able to pay for permanent/premium access to certain elements, either with real money, or pretend cash earned in-game.
"Serious now? Really though? I got so many words swirling round my brain, I want to stick my fingers in my eyes and make them throw up. Guy - you are literally giving me optical bulimia, and that is a well offensive thing of me to say. Do better."
+++ ITEM! According to a survey of US console owners, aged 13+, most chose the PlayStation 4 over the Xbox One because a number of games display in a higher resolution on the PS4 than the Xbone. Presumably because they're idiots, this was even more important to them than the PS4's game library.
"That was only, like, two or three words less than the one before it. Try this: just write your shit, and than just cut out every other word. Simples. Then you won't bore no-one."
+++ ITEM! If you missed the episodic release of the slightly boring Xbox One Halo: Nightfall miniseries, you'll get another chance to watch it from March 17, when it's released on DVD and Blu-Ray.
"That's good. That's tight, brah. But we can make it tighter still. C'mon - I got five mizzles before I gotta get to my Bikram yoga and third-world poetry jam."
+++ ITEM! The PC version of GTA V has once again been delayed, and now won't be released until April 14.
"Yeaaah. That's some sweet gravy, guy."
+++ ITEM! Movie studio Lionsgate has invested in Telltale Games.
"Now you're popping, m'sensei. This is my jelly. This is my phatch."
+++ ITEM! Tomb Raider.