"I'm Barry Feed. I'm young. I believe I'm sexy. I've got no attention span. You gotta move fast to keep me interested. Lists... Lists! Lists that tell me about myself, and bullet-point news. This is how I digest things now.
"Hurry! Hurry up with your game news - my microwave chicken pad thai is nearly ready, and my unicycle won't ride itself around the office! HURRY UP!!!! MOVE, PEOPLE! ENGAGE ME!!"
"Way too many words. Faster. C'mon! I got other websites to read!"
+++ ITEM! Alright, alright! How about... Nintendo's flagship customer rewards program, Club Nintendo, will be gradually closed down throughout this year, finally ending in September.
"That was more or less the same number of words! You're blinding me with detail. Must do better!"
+++ ITEM! Oh god... Ok. Right. Everyone who pre-orders the PC version of Grand Theft Auto 5 - due in March - will be given one of 11 free games from Rockstar's back catalogue.
"You're losing me here. Clock is ticking. C'mon! Keep my interest!"
+++ ITEM! Borderlands 2 and Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel are coming to next gen systems in a special HD bundle, including all DLC. 5,000 limited edition box sets come with a remote controlled Claptrap robot.
"What's going on? That's more words than all the rest! Words are boring. But you got me for another 30 seconds while my organic chai latte cools down."
+++ ITEM! Old LucasArts games now available on GOG.
"That's more like it! Now we're getting somewhere!"
+++ ITEM! Sony has applied a 10% discount this week to all Playstation Network users who were affected by the service's Christmas - "
"Wait. Forget it. You lost me. I've been on this website way too long. I'm off to post pictures of skinny jeans on Tumblr. You're dead to me."