GAMING SPEEDNEWS with "Baz" Feed

'Sup! I'm Baz Feed. You know me: I'm that guy you see wearing the rolled-up hems, and espadrilles with no socks, swaggering along like I own the world. Let's face it: I'm young, I'm dapper, I got swag, I listen to bands you've never heard of - my generation practically do own the world. Why don't you do us a favour, grandad... and strangle yo'self? LOL out loud!

My life is packed. I got an alt.jazz-hop music festival to go to. I gotta get some sort of ambient (but not too boring) playlist together for my cousin's funeral. And I'm only halfway through writing up the business plan for my new pop-up shop that sells aural wind sculptures made out of old vinyl post-punk records. Music from music. It's the Circle of Life, guy.

I don't have time to read each and every thing: I take all my information in list form. Hit me with some game news. GO! Go. GO!

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+++ ITEM! The British Film Institute has revealed that more than £14 million has been invested in new games since the government last year introduced tax breaks for UK-based developers.

• That's too much detail! British Film Insitute? Why not just say "BFI" or "some guys"? Gotta do better. Come on, let's go - I'm reading this while waiting on a skinny flat white! Or an "SFW" as everyone calls them. Sweet.

+++ ITEM! The price of the PS4 has been cut by many retailers to under £300, in the wake of Microsoft doing the same with its Xbox One. Sony has announced an official, temporary, cut to £299.99, but the deal runs out on April 28th.

• Jesus wept, maaan. That was like reading some well boring loser's politics and sociology dissertation. What are you trying to do - tedious me to death?! News? This is more like SNOOZE! Amiright? Let's sex-up this zzzzzzz-o-rama! Sex-xxx-sexxxy-news-time!

+++ ITEM! Games industry market research firm Newzoo is predicting that worldwide revenue from video games will leap almost 10% this year, bringing in around $91.5 billion.

• What is this - game news... or The Annual Conference of Well Boring Shiz? I think my attention-span just self-harmed. Fo' real, bitches.
  

+++ ITEM! New figures show that only 2.4% of YouTube gaming viewing is via official company channels - the remainder comes from unofficial Let's Play videos and that.

• What was that? Why don't you just save us all some time, drool on a sheet of cardboard, and try to pass that off as your so-called news? Make me care. Trim the fat (note to self: gotta get that printed on a t-shirt).

+++ ITEM! The latest patch for Bloodborne has reduced loading times by between "5 and 15 seconds".

• Not interested. Not even played it. I don't have time to play games, unless they're games I can play while riding my long-board (it's got a built-in selfie stick, and a custom decal on the footplate that says "This is not a longboard" - ironic LULZ out loud!).

+++ ITEM! The May update for the Xbox One's Master Chief Collection features the full ODST campaign.

• ODST? What does that stand for - "over-dosing on shizzle time wasting'. 'Cos that's what's happening to me right now. The depth of my engrossment just swallowed a handful of pills, guy. So what? Suicide is well modern.

+++ ITEM! Daniel "Harry Potter" Radcliffe and Bill "Game Over, Man" Paxton have been confirmed to star in the BBC's upcoming GTA drama.

• Yeah, whatever.
  

+++ ITEM! Here's a list of things you can't say on GTA V's text chat.

• Ha ha! That's more like it, guy. "Swastika tits"! Well ROFLMAO out loud! Wait until I use that one at work - they're gonna laugh so hard they'll make me their effing god.