We believe it was Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche who said that we are naught but gusts of fart-wind from the bum-passage of time.
Frankly, we all change as we get older - getting fatter, or thinner, more wrinkled, and greyer, and dead-er. Unfortunately, few of us are video game characters, who, through the benefit of being fictional creations, are subject only to the whims of pop cultural tastes and improvements in gaming technology.
With this in mind, we present five of gaming's biggest icons, and examine in ghastly detail how they have changed between their first appearances and today.
Frankly, we all change as we get older - getting fatter, or thinner, more wrinkled, and greyer, and dead-er. Unfortunately, few of us are video game characters, who, through the benefit of being fictional creations, are subject only to the whims of pop cultural tastes and improvements in gaming technology.
With this in mind, we present five of gaming's biggest icons, and examine in ghastly detail how they have changed between their first appearances and today.
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
 THEN - 1991 |  NOW |
THEN: Sonic was cute, a Mickey Mouse-esque corporate mascot of a challenger to Nintendo's Mario. His cuddly little pot belly and cheeky grin displayed scant evidence of the "attitude" that Sega insisted he had. Also, look at his right arm: it appears to be a solid tube of rubber, more elastic tentacle than bone and tendon. Lastly, those oversized shoes look like slippers - we struggle to conceive how he could walk in them, let alone run at supersonic speeds.
NOW: Sonic has slimmed down significantly since getting older: he's a good three feet taller than he was, his bulbous, swollen head no longer larger than his body. The pot belly is gone, replaced by a taut torso. Also, he now appears to be wearing coloured contact lenses, and a trendy neck scarf, of the type favoured by awful people and 1980s German exchange students. His spikes are more wayward, less defined (or deliberately tousselled for a 'fresh-out-of-bed' look). He's clearly a teenager: he's got bandages on his ankles to hide the self-harm scratches.
NOW: Sonic has slimmed down significantly since getting older: he's a good three feet taller than he was, his bulbous, swollen head no longer larger than his body. The pot belly is gone, replaced by a taut torso. Also, he now appears to be wearing coloured contact lenses, and a trendy neck scarf, of the type favoured by awful people and 1980s German exchange students. His spikes are more wayward, less defined (or deliberately tousselled for a 'fresh-out-of-bed' look). He's clearly a teenager: he's got bandages on his ankles to hide the self-harm scratches.
LARA CROFT (TOMB RAIDER)
 THEN - 1996 |  NOW |
THEN: Improbably proportioned, a male-designed fantasy vision of 'girl power' - a tiny waist (a look only achievable by having a few ribs removed), gravity-defying breasts, pouty lips, and microscopic hot pants. Lara's hideous, blank-faced approximation of femininity even became a cover star of The Face and Loaded.
NOW: More realistically proportioned, Lara's dropped a few bra sizes in the intervening years, and learned that a pair of cargo pants are far more practical attire for scrabbling around in tombs. She hasn't lost her pout, but her adventures are at least now scripted by a woman... so we are no longer allowed to question the psychological subtext of an interactive adventure in which a young, beautiful woman gets beaten up, repeatedly killed, and psychologically tortured by men.
NOW: More realistically proportioned, Lara's dropped a few bra sizes in the intervening years, and learned that a pair of cargo pants are far more practical attire for scrabbling around in tombs. She hasn't lost her pout, but her adventures are at least now scripted by a woman... so we are no longer allowed to question the psychological subtext of an interactive adventure in which a young, beautiful woman gets beaten up, repeatedly killed, and psychologically tortured by men.
MARIO
 THEN - 1981 |  NOW |
THEN: Originally named Jumpman - for he was a man who jumped - Mario's hat and dungarees were already there from the beginning (although, fascinatingly, he originally wore red dungarees with a blue sweater). Techincal limitations meant that he was yet to don his trademark white gloves, and his footwear and hair were the same blue shade as his undershirt.
NOW: Mario has changed very little in the intervening years, short of becoming more photorealistic, thanks to advances in gaming tech. We can now see clearly that he has light brown hair, though his upwardly-waxed moustache is a deep, inky black. Still described as an Italian plumber, we speculate as to how recently he last unblocked a Neapolitan toilet.
NOW: Mario has changed very little in the intervening years, short of becoming more photorealistic, thanks to advances in gaming tech. We can now see clearly that he has light brown hair, though his upwardly-waxed moustache is a deep, inky black. Still described as an Italian plumber, we speculate as to how recently he last unblocked a Neapolitan toilet.
GERALDO of REVERA (THE WITCHER SERIES)
 THEN - 2007 |  NOW |
THEN: The Witcher's protagonist was a goofy-looking sort, with his Roman nose, pursed lips, and dead-eyed stare. And with that lank, platinum-blonde hair, he's clearly something of a Lucius Malfoy fanboy. For pity's sake... THEY'RE CHILDREN'S BOOKS!!!
NOW: Wisely, Gestalt has grown a beard to hide much of his funny-looking face, and the streaks of grey now showing in his hair suggest that he was bleaching it before. What a massive twat he is.
NOW: Wisely, Gestalt has grown a beard to hide much of his funny-looking face, and the streaks of grey now showing in his hair suggest that he was bleaching it before. What a massive twat he is.
MASTER CHIEF (HALO SERIES)
 THEN - 2001 |  NOW |
THEN: Master Chief's look has remained remarkably constant. His initial, slightly out-of-focus armour can be attributed to the limitations of the Xbox, rather than any sartorial choice, or our progressive cataracts. Nevertheless, his outfit was certainly a brighter shade of green in those early days, suggesting he was more at home camouflaging himself in ball ponds, rather than jungle combat situations.
NOW: We've no idea whether Master Chief's Spartan armour is some sort of exoskeleton, or life-support system, or just that bulky because it looks sort of cool. Regardless, his faceplate has clearly been given a buff with some Brasso, given how shiny it has become. Perhaps it's a tactical attempt to blind his opponents.
NOW: We've no idea whether Master Chief's Spartan armour is some sort of exoskeleton, or life-support system, or just that bulky because it looks sort of cool. Regardless, his faceplate has clearly been given a buff with some Brasso, given how shiny it has become. Perhaps it's a tactical attempt to blind his opponents.
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