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GAMES OF MY YEARS: FOOTBALL - by Mr Biffo

10/6/2016

26 Comments

 
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So. Euro 2016 then. <KICKS OFF A COD-REGGAE BEAT>

"I don't like football. Oh no. I love it!"

Except: I don't.

I'm merely ambivalent to football. I've no interest in it, outside of the World Cup. And even then I mostly feign interest just to feel normal. I get loving something, the euphoria, the chance to let off steam by screaming abuse at people. I just don't get why it would ever be football.

Please don't misunderstand: I don't judge you for liking it. I tried to like it myself when I was younger. All the men in my family are seriously into their football (these days, even one of my nieces plays for West Ham's youth team).

I mean, it's such a brilliant tool for conversation when you don't have much else in common with someone, be they taxi drivers, waiters, or cousins. And I'm envious of those who can do the football talk. But I've tried, and failed, to actually like it.

I collected the Panini Stickers. I used to have a Watford FC kit and scarf. I went to see them play half a dozen or so times... but it bored me so much. So very, very much.
I fell out with a mate at one game, because I got so distracted that I tried to liven up the game by throwing his baseball cap onto the pitch.

And, of course, after school I ended up working for Ladbrokes, and then Wembley Stadium. On the ruddy scoreboard, of all things. So, maybe the more the universe pushed me towards football, the more I resisted. Or maybe that's just me romanticising it, and not facing up to the obvious: I just find it dull. And it isn't just football. It's 90% of all sports.

Some years back I went to watch a baseball game in New York (ooh, hark at her). I never knew that they go on for about eight hours. It was so tedious there's little wonder that they blare out rock music every time something happens, no matter how insignificant: they're probably trying to stop the crowd from falling asleep.

But! Football video games... now that's a different matter.  ​
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SIR, PLEASE, WHAT DID YOU PRE-ORDER?
I actually pre-ordered FIFA 17 and the new Kick-Off the other day. It has been years since I've played any football game, and I've rarely not liked them. 

A lot of the attention-to-detail is lost on me, a lot of the language just goes right over my scalp, I don't have a clue who any of the players are... but treating them as a video game works for me. I can enjoy a football game without being a football fan.

Going right back to the Mega Drive... the first many of us ever got to a sort-of-football game on a console was EA Hockey. Not only was it the closest we had to the old kicky-ball-oh at that time, not only was it quite good, but it was also possible to instigate fist-fights between the players: a feature dropped shortly afterwards, when EA signed a deal to brand the flesh of the franchise with the NHL logo.

Championship Manager became a game that we spent a lot of time playing in our Digitiser cubicle, though most of the enjoyment came because you were able to change the players' names. Presumably this feature was intended to allow you to build a team on which you and your friends all played. Instead, we had an Arsenal squad captained by a player called Stink Penis.

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WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY?
When I appeared on Channel 4's Gamesmaster at the rectal-end of 1993, I had to review some Super NES football game, the name of which escapes me.

As with most of the games I reviewed for that show, none of them were the ones I was told to prepare for. Consequently, I'd never played it prior to turning up to the studio, and was given approximately five minutes to form an opinion.

Once shoved in front of the camera, I reacted like a hen facing off with a combine harvester.  I didn't know what the hell I was talking about, and my bloated gob ended up describing the game as having a "Constantly rotating Mode 7 pitch". Which I'm sure wasn't true as that would've been terribly distracting.

Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure I even played it at all - maybe I just watched over someone else's shoulder as they had a go. I dunno. ​And they talk about ethics in games journalism these days...

Whatever that game was called, I know it wasn't Konami's International Superstar Soccer, because I loved Superstar Soccer. That was the one for me, the football game I sunk the most time into.

FIFA was fine if you were a football nerd, but Superstar Soccer had that arcade edge, which made it perfect for football casuals like myself. Plus, if I remember, FIFA came late to the Super NES, and I would've always chosen playing something on the SNES over the Mega Drive.

Yes, that's right: I was biased. I was biased because the Super NES was better.

WHAT ABOUT THESE DAYS THOUGH?
These days, the only football games I own - for now - are on my phone. Flick Kick Soccer I highly recommend, with its procession of one-finger penalties, and an EA-published Chillingo game called Headshot Heroes. Which is fine, but rather unforgiving.

I'm looking forward to Dino Dino's Kick-Off reboot arriving later this month. It appears rather cheap and cheerful, and I'm under no illusions that I'll like it: I was never a fan of the originals. Never knew what I was meant to be doing. Yeah, I know. Amiga heresy.

FIFA 17, on the other hand, I'm hoping to enjoy. I'm intrigued to see how things have changed for the series since the last time I played one, probably 15 or so years ago. I'm betting this: it will have changed quite a lot.

Also, fingers crossed I'll pick up some top football bantz so that I can finally have a conversation with my father that's about something other than the new drive I had put in last year, by some Travellers who just started hacking away at the old one with pickaxes, without me even asking them to.

​I suspect I may have drifted somewhat off topic there. GOAAAAAAAL!!!!
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​TEN ACTUAL FOOTBALLERS WHO MISUNDERSTOOD MY INSTRUCTIONS, AND URINATED IN MY GARDEN
THIS MIRROR'S EDGE CATALYST REVIEW-IN-PROGRESS FEATURES A BONUS MIRROR'S EDGE CAT-O-LIST
PETHERFENNY: A DIGITISER2000 FAIRY TALE
26 Comments
Shemmie link
10/6/2016 12:48:29 pm

If you've not played FIFA since the original SNES release, you're going to be in for a shock.

As a footie fan, I don't know whether to say games have changed for the better, or not, over the years. IMHO, Sensible World of Soccer is the best footie game to have ever been made, and it had naff all to do with actual football. On the flip side, I've played FIFA 15 (which I had fun with) and FIFA 16 (that felt almost too realistic - it focused heavily on the ball bouncing around in midfield a lot... which... is realistic... but... )

The graphics, and the realism are better than ever. obviously. I can almost feel the spit being coughed up onto the grass by virtual players.

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Mr Biffo
10/6/2016 12:51:45 pm

I played some FIFA with my nephews a few years back, so I've been there since it went kind of 3D-y.

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Shemmie link
10/6/2016 12:59:22 pm

I really hope Jon Hare manages to pull something out the hat with Sociable Soccer for obvious reasons, but I didn't know that Dino Dini was doing a Kick Off reboot - I never got into it (same heresy), although I did play his GOAL! game.

Never quite had the right feel to it.

Wicked Eric
10/6/2016 01:11:44 pm

With FIFA you can look forward to playing online and having a child shout at you for scoring 'a sweaty goal'.

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OIKY
10/6/2016 01:35:26 pm

The first few iterations of that EA Hockey game was great, i've been playing NHLPA '93 on my phone (on an emulator) on my daily commute. In fact, sporting games of that era were brilliant, as an 8 year old I had absolutely no idea about anything to do with motor racing, american football, baseball etc but I loved buying and playing the games.

As for football games, I can remember buying every conceivable football or football related title that came out on the megadrive. Dino Dini, World Cup italia 90, Sensible, Pele, The original FIFA... Even on the PS1 there were loads of titles to choose from and they were all ultimately fun and different in their own ways. Nowadays FIFA completely dominates in sales and licensing, there is little point in any other competitor joining because nobody will be interested, even the hardcore ISS/Pro Evolution fans of which I am one dwindle every year (despite a valiant effort from Konami). FIFA is a game representation of what football is like on the TV rather than a game of football itself... I don't think there has been a genuinely amazing fun football all rounder since PES 5/6 on the PS2

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Gustav Hedenborg - Community Manager of Sociable Soccer link
6/7/2016 09:15:41 am

Hi, we're aiming to change that. Football should be fun, fast and easy to learn, but hard to master.

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Adam
10/6/2016 01:39:20 pm

I too have no love of real football, but enjoy a virtual kickabout, and in the day a bit of subboteo. SWOS stands out in my mind. More recently, International Superstar Soccer...or Pro Eco or whatever - on the Wii was good, not least of all for the control system that even an uncoordinated mess like me could use

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Voodoo76
10/6/2016 02:26:32 pm

Euro 96 on the Saturn....... what a pile of shite.

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Wicked Eric
10/6/2016 03:13:49 pm

Worldwide Soccer was the go to football game on the Saturn.

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FancyPants
10/6/2016 02:54:50 pm

Whatever the hell it was that was Digi's predecessor (or maybe even the predecessor to that) "printed" my review of Kick Off. I was pretty pleased until I realised that they had expunged the word "mental" and replaced it with "crazy", which is obviously much more politically correct.

ISS on the SNES - didn't this have more or less zero different game modes? Pretty sure me and my mates used to write down the results of two player games and work out league standings from that. Probably the best football game of all time nevertheless.

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RG
10/6/2016 03:00:12 pm

This might be your cup of tea - a game called "Behold the Kickmen":
http://www.kotaku.co.uk/2016/04/20/a-man-who-knows-nothing-about-football-is-accidentally-making-a-great-football-game

He seems to be having fun making a football game without knowing the rules and / or purposefully getting the rules wrong. eg, round pitch, ref kisses the player for "doing a goal"...

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Retro Resolution link
10/6/2016 03:01:45 pm

"it's such a brilliant tool for conversation when you don't have much else in common with someone, be they taxi drivers, waiters, or cousins. And I'm envious of those who can do the football talk"

I absolutely concur. I firmly believe that my inability to involve myself with football has cost me more than one job - being unable to find common ground in the absense of anything else prevents you becoming part of the group, which can be fatal when a company inevitably goes through a redundancy sweep.

Football as a videogame - that, as you say, is a different matter.
Although never a big fan of the psuedo-isometric or fully 3D Fifa series and the like, I spent countless hours glued to Kick Off and the sublime Sensible Soccer.

I picked up Fifa Soccer 96 on the 32X for peanuts years ago.
Less soccer, more shocker.

I suppose it was too much to expect a good game if they can't even name the sport correctly in the title.

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bit.bat
10/6/2016 03:05:13 pm

To me the more the game resembles the actual sport the less I like it. I mean, you could re-skin some of those early NHL games and called them SUPER 3D PONG X11 and they would still work conceptually.

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Paul Jon Millions
13/6/2016 12:59:22 pm

Totally agree. Been trying to play that NBA game that's free on PS4 just now, and it's all 'realistic' and dull and I have no idea what I'm doing. So fiddly! Same with Pro Evo games. Give me Sensible Soccer or NBA Jam, or some Neo Geo futuresports thing any day.

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Hamptonoid
10/6/2016 07:39:57 pm

The most addictive footy game of all time has to be Roby Baggio Magical Kicks. It's available in many places, like

http://www.myfootballgames.co.uk/game/80/Baggio_s-Magical-Kicks.html

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Willmill82
10/6/2016 08:19:59 pm

Wot no SWOS

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Damon
10/6/2016 09:40:31 pm

Sports are something which I imagine are more interesting to play than watch. Dull, I think, is a word God sent down just for the describing of sporting events.

Though in fairness I find e-sports just as dull and for the same reasons.

I can almost keep an interest in hockey. But it's really only Canada that cares about that.

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Superbeast 37
11/6/2016 08:11:23 am

Can't stand football but I do have fond memories of my Mexico 86 panini sticker book. The excitement of getting the shiny cards - especially the England logo and that weird mascot thing that would probably be branded racist these days!

A lady in work showed me her little lads euro 16 swaps and they are a lot smaller and thinner than the stickers of my day. A lot more expensive too. What a con everything is these days. Everything has gotten smaller, more flimsy and more expensive.

Football games were always best two player. Sensible soccer on the Amiga was amazing.

My brother was mad into football and football games. He used to hammer me apart from one night when he went out and got stoned. I'd bought Actua Soccer on PS1 and I smashed him about 13-0 or something (the score gets better each time I tell it) and I just remember him blinking in disbelief as he couldn't work out how I was beating him. Next morning normal service resumed and I couldn't win.

Id rather have a game of Speedball 2 over any football game if I'm honest.

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Kelvin Green link
11/6/2016 10:00:29 am

I respect your stance on the Amiga, Biffo, but it does mean that you probably missed out on Sensible Soccer, which is the best foot-to-ball game ever. Like you,I'm ambivalent at best towards the actual sport, but Sensi is wonderful; perhaps, as Shemmie says above, because it's not much like actual football at all, more an arcade game with football trappings.

I'm also quite fond of Pro Evolution Soccer on the Wii, because it rejected the traditional control scheme of football games and instead turned it into a sort of real-time strategy. Revolutionary and, of course, ignored thereafter.

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Scott C link
11/6/2016 01:20:45 pm

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AcidBeard
11/6/2016 04:57:52 pm

I had the game I think you're talking about on snes. The pitch was mode 7 from what I can remember and there was an indoor mode as well.

Fuck knows what it was called.

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ben
11/6/2016 09:29:59 pm

Wasn't that Super Soccer?

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Dacanesta
11/6/2016 05:20:48 pm

Wasn't bothered about kick off 2 until some friends raved about it. Saw hoe practice at it can make your good player (as in just watching the little skills involved meant I had something to aim for skill wise). Absolutely brilliant because of the skill level, which wasn't as bad as it first seemed. For this reason it was, despite not being as in depth, much funnier than SWOS. Sorry chaos, loved that game too, but too accessible. Kick off 2 was like anything, eg a musical instrument, whereby you stick with it and then look super cool coz you're brilliant at it through hard work!
And now......FIFA?! Sounding like a zealot now, so basically if you liked ISS (which I too LOVED) then gotta go with pro evo! It's so much better than FIFA........a real gamers, and football fans, game. Yes, yes!

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Spiney O'Sullivan
12/6/2016 10:47:48 am

The thing about Arsenal is, they always try to walk it in.

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Darcy
12/6/2016 05:33:24 pm

I remember sitting at the PC in my parents' garage editing the entire third division in Champ Manager 2, then watching the RNG take control. It was glorious. God was sacked from his position managing a team of saints and holy figures (Jesus in goal, obvs) and replaced with Satan, while Darth Vader, Optimus Prime and Bobby Davro ended up playing for Manchester United.

I did something similar with a PS2 Pro Evo game that came with a player/team editor. Managed to get a pretty stunning likeness of Father Ted in defence, with the Chuckle Brothers on the wings and the Terminator on attack.

But now football games are all Serious Business and I am sad.

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Chris
16/6/2016 02:27:57 pm

Hate football. However, loved Dino Dini's Goal! A mate of mine won, or runner up or whatever, the Game Goal! championships, or something, back in the days when Game were good.

Also: Matchday 2 on the Speccy, and for management games, MPSM on the Speccy I really enjoyed, and also Premier Manager(? - the Gremlin game on the Amiga), neither of which were so in-depth that you needed to know anything about football to enjoy them (also the original Championship Manager I played a lot with the aforementioned friend).

Burn the heretic and all that, but I never got on with Sensible Soccer/SWOS. Could never figure out how to control the bloody ball, my players had a habit of just leaving it behind unless they ran in a strictly and absolutely unwaveringly straight line.

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