Sorry you've had to trek all the way out to the sticks to meet me like this. Usually I'd have held our little rendezvous at my Kensington chambers, but the place is being fumigated. Let's just say I wasn't particular about who I encountered on the Heath last Friday. I find that after 12 mint juleps, my quality control goes quite out the window...
Still, we're here now. Can I get you anything? Strawberry daiquiri? A flute of Armand de Brigand 1967? I assure you that my cellar is quite well stocked.
Tell you what - I'll trust you to leave it to my discretion. Drape yourself over the ottoman, and have a browse of these console hardware cosplayers, while I rustle up a concoction that I promise will set our lips a-tingling.
Still, we're here now. Can I get you anything? Strawberry daiquiri? A flute of Armand de Brigand 1967? I assure you that my cellar is quite well stocked.
Tell you what - I'll trust you to leave it to my discretion. Drape yourself over the ottoman, and have a browse of these console hardware cosplayers, while I rustle up a concoction that I promise will set our lips a-tingling.
'X' marks the spot, I like to say. Rather like the spot is blowing me a playful kiss, if you grasp my gist (please... grasp away). This whiskered fox looks a little wracked with consternation over his choice of attire. Perhaps it's the first time he has found himself inside a box.
Don't worry; at least he remembered to stretch a beanie over his head before slipping inside. Tell me, young man - is your micro soft?
Don't worry; at least he remembered to stretch a beanie over his head before slipping inside. Tell me, young man - is your micro soft?
That's an interesting hand gesture, Mr Bond. What are you planning to do with those fingers? Tell you what - I'll shake, you stir, and we'll explore each other's Goldeneyes together. We can give our majesties a right royal secret servicing.
Can you guess my favourite 007? That's right - it's Roger Moore, of course!
"Do you expect me to talk?"
"No, Mr Bond - I expect you to squeal!"
Can you guess my favourite 007? That's right - it's Roger Moore, of course!
"Do you expect me to talk?"
"No, Mr Bond - I expect you to squeal!"
Are you game, boy? Best brace yourself; I intend to give your 'A' something of a pounding. Looking at the specifications of Nintendo's 15cm chunky handheld, I note that the headphone jack was located on the bottom side. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that it's not the first time I've had a jack on the bottom.
Look at the way he's stretching open his cartridge slot for me. Do you think he's got some fluff in there and would like me to blow on the prongs? His companions certainly look equipped for action, but where are R.O.B. - Nintendo's Robotic Operating Buddy - and the Power Glove? Never mind. Instead, how about an R.U.B. from my own powerful glove?
Another complimentary pair, who I'm already dubbing "The Cap" and "The Hair". See how The Cap offers me a cartridge with his limp hand, while The Hair is reaching around to have a fiddle with his D-Pad.
Coincidentally, "The 'D' Pad" is the nickname some have given to my Kensington chambers - where these two fellows are more than welcome to bring their Ds.
Coincidentally, "The 'D' Pad" is the nickname some have given to my Kensington chambers - where these two fellows are more than welcome to bring their Ds.
This grinning bean is poking his face out of the controller like he's up to some mischief. He's decided to conceal himself in a Wiimote - famed for its motion sensing capabilities. Suffice to say, even in that costume I'm more than capable of sensing his motion, if you catch my drift.
I simply cannot wait to take a trip to the arcades with this yeller-feller, for an evening of pills, gobbling, and popping cherries and bananas. Suffice to say, I'm ready to slide a quarter - maybe more - into his slot. Open wide, and say "Aaaah-uh...".
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